Aussie humour
 

Spitfire...
 

Keith..
What can you tell us of this one..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDD5xfAxhXo&NR=1

:kangaroo :remember :support :drunk:

Re: Spitfire...
 

That one was discovered a few years ago - not sure what has happened to it since.

The 'archival' footage in that clip is a shot of the prototype K5054, the Mk VIII when Col Pay owned it and a shot of a pilot in a Hurricane. The crocks however are real, and a real threat.

Dead Duck
 

Subject: Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "£150!", she cried. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now £150."

Choice, eh Bro!?
 

An Aussie traveler was lost while touring New Zealand's South Island. He happened upon a small town Pub & went in to ask for directions. However, he soon found that it wasn't often a non-local was seen in town, and soon it was him that was answering their questions.
"Where ya from, Bro?" asked one local
"Sydney, Australia" he said with pride
"And what do you do with your self, Bro?"
to which he replied "I'm a taxidermist"
"So you drive a cab then, Bro?"
"No" he said, grinning to himself. "I mount and stuff Animals"
The Barman said "Let me buy you a beer, you should have said that you were one of us, eh, Bro"
:sheep: :sheep:

Sheep Station, west of the never-never
 

Jacki-Jacki stormed his way into the Boss' office.
"Boss, I am very angry with you!"
"What seems to be the problem, Jacki?"
"My Missus just had a Baby & the little beggar is white! You is the only white fella on this sheep station, and there ain't no other white fellas for 600 miles! I'm gunna hafta kill ya!"
"Hold on Jacki" said the boss. "Things like that happen in nature all the time! We have 2000 sheep, none of the rams are black, but look! Every now and again we get a black lamb, don't we?!"
Jacki hung his head... "OK Boss, you win. I won't say nothing about my Missus if you don't say nothing about my sheep..."

a bloody good laugh, howard. good onya mate

The missing missus
 

A bloke rings 000 ( 999, 911 )

"Hello is this the Fire Brigade, I'd like to report my wife missing."

Fireman " Mate this is the Fire Brigade. We don't find missing persons, we put out fires. You want the Police.

Bloke " No I don't....last time this happened I rang them and they found the bitch!"

Pedr

Two 90 year old Diggers sitting on a park bench;
Digger 1, do you remember that medicine they gave us in the army to take our minds off women?
Digger 2, yes why?
Digger 1, well I think it's starting to work. :smoker:

And the preacher stayed...
 

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that

will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.... no one wants

him to leave



Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and

proclaims .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new

Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their

children!"



The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.



Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says ... "If

the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also

establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his

children!"



More sighs and loud applause.



Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher

stays .... I will give him sex!"



There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say

that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead

with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his

wife replies, . "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he

said, "Screw the Preacher!"



:sheep: :drunk: :kangaroo :remember :support

An oldie
 

One for Nigel...
 

Three Scots and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."



:doh: :remember :drunk: :D

Animated gif
 

This is just an experiment to see whether this animation works...

Quite tiring just watching it isn't it?

Re: Animated gif
 

Done already

TAC HQ - How to post photos

http://www.mapleleafup.org/forums/at...=&postid=65219

Pedr

Sorry couldn't resist posting this one. I just got it in an email a few min ago.

An elderly priest lay dying in a Canberra nursing home and he asked if John Howard and Kevin Rudd could visit his death bed. Both politicians seeing they could make headlings agreed to visit. When they arrived John asked the priest why he had requested them to be his final companions. The priest answered I have lived my life as close to the Lords as I could, amen said John, amen said Kevin. Now in death I want to go as my Lord between two lying thieves. :devil:

LMAO @ Hanno!!!

This is going to go places, I assure you... :D

RED ...
 

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD


Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees
The big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
And this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
Again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,
I'm trying to poop!"


:remember :drunk: :doh: :support

Or
 

This from the book "Great Australian Railway Stories" by Bill 'Swampy' Marsh.

"So what's yer name?" asked the train driver.
"Charlie, Sir."
"I don't address my firemen by their Christian name, son. Give me your surname."
"Darling, Sir"
"Okay, Charlie, start shovelling..."
:yappy: :yappy: :yappy: :yappy:

One More
 

An Arab who had run out of water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Fat ass...!!
 

Keefy....
Was your fat ass the inspiration for this...??


Australia's Favourite Underwear Company Breaks the Guinness Book of World Record - The Biggest Men Underwear
SYDNEY, Nov. 6 /CNW/ - In an effort to secure a position in the Guinness
World Records book, aussieBum will unveil what is believed to be the "Worlds
Largest pair of men's underwear".
Measuring in at 15.5 metres wide and 11 metres high, with a waist
circumference of 32 metres, the mammoth pair of undies is the size of the
front of a three-storey building. It includes 300 metres of fabric, 500 metres
of wide-width elastic, 5000 metres of cotton and a 1.5 x 6 metre logo. The
giant underpants weigh a whopping 180 kg.
The aussieBum World's Biggest Undies have been built with the help of
aussieBum's long term business partner, Italian firm Eurojersey, a major name
in the international textiles industry. Eurojersey put its faith into the
project by generously donating 300 metres of Sensitive(R) fabric. The
incredibly soft, light and easy-to-handle nature of the Sensitive(R) fabric
helped aussieBum achieve this challenge.
Click on the following links to view some behind-the-scenes footage of
the production of the undies:

(youtube version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GbOfLka_IE

(High res version)
http://aussiebumvideo.com/rss/forcedownload.php?
file=promo1_bigundies_aussiebum.mov

The underwear will be unveiled in the world-famous Royal Botanic Gardens,
overlooking the Sydney Harbour, with the Opera House and the Sydney Harbour
Bridge as a backdrop.

<<
Date: Thursday November 8 - Guinness World Records Day!

Time: 10.00am sharp

Venue: Sydney Harbour - Royal Botanic Gardens
Fleet steps at Mrs Macquarie's Chair
>>




For further information: pictorial and editorial opportunities please
contact: John Scott, E: john@johnscottpersonalpr, T: +61 409 177722; Claire
Delzechi, E:claire@aussiebum.com, T: +61 2 9560 2626; For further information
about EUROJERSEY and the Sensitive(R) fabric, please contact: AD MIRABILIA -
Fulvia Concetti, concetti@admirabilia.it, Tel +39 02 4382191; Vittoria Valle
valle@admirabilia.it, Tel +39 02 4382191



:remember :support :drunk: :kangaroo :yappy: :D

Irish Hallow'een...
 

An Irish Hallowe'en Story


Carpe Diem
Khufu

This story happened a while ago in Dublin ,
and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to
realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on .
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw
a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where
through the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other...

"Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it!!!!


:D :drunk: :thup: :support :remember

Lawyer joke...
 

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our
research shows that even though your annual income is over two million
dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
something back to your community through the United Way ?" The lawyer
thinks
for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my
mother is dying after a l ong, painful illness and she has huge medical
bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way
rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer,
"my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and
is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way
rep
begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your
research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car
accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of
whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an
array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely
beaten,
says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So...if I
didn't
give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"



:remember :support :drunk: :D :yappy:

RCAF Training Aid............
 

Thought I would share this RCAF Training Aid with you...

It may be a little beyond the "Boys In The Barn" all except Grant ,who will give the lads some tech tips on the finer things in life..

http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

:drunk: :remember :support

What? I think it's funny as hell!!!

regards
Darrell

A new element discovered
 

Evolution has produced an element that has become clearly identifiable
in the past decade or two.

Recent hurricanes and petrol issues are proof of the existence of a
new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause
more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of
moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons:blink: :blink:

One of My Favs
 

Lest we Forget
 

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bickies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite Anzac biscuits.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.
"F#ck off" she said, "They're for the funeral."