[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Jif...
If any of these apply ,you may be on the road to recovery...

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &
fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around
the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced
teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly
or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your
face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding
the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
your buddy who works in the next office. Vodka vapor is seeping
out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste
crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your
ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

>> Indubitably
>> Innovative
>> Preliminary
>> Proliferation
>> Cinnamon
>>
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

>> Specificity
>> British Constitution
>> Passive-aggressive disorder
>> Loquacious Transubstantiate
>>
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

>> Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
>> Nope, no more booze for me
>> Sorry, but you're not really my type
>> Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
>> Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.