[Keith Webb]

What a brilliant piece of writing!

Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir...

Edmund: Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where
babies come from.

Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on,
right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must
have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right?
and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is:
How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of
affairs?

Edmund: Do you mean "How did the war start?"

Baldrick: Yeah.

George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire-
building.

Edmund: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe,
while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in
Tanganyika. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame
on the imperialistic front.

George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. (aside, to Baldick) Mad as a bicycle!

Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an
ostrich 'cause he was hungry.

Edmund: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got
shot.

Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.

Edmund: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it
was too much effort *not* to have a war.

George: By Gum? this is interesting; I always loved
history -- The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives,
all that.

Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs
developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the
Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two
vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way
there could never be a war.

Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?

Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

George: What was that, sir?

Edmund: It was b*ll*cks.

Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing.