I think the esteemed Ballington-Winn will be excited by this latest, and not to be missed, promotional offer from those frightfully nice people from the Beltring Hop Farm and W&P Show;

"Run by enthusiasts for enthusiasts. . . ." it says, but not what they're enthusiastic in, however, I'm sure it must be old army trucks as the enclosed entry form says:

"Over 3000 Military vehicles and tanks" I must be senile, as you all keep telling me, since I thought I read "Almost 4000 vehicles" for this year, not getting smaller surely. Some huge number of people must be getting forms very early since Ballard and I have only just got ours.

"1000 trade stands. . . ." I am senile since that was 1250 recently I thought, but as you all know I am a complete idiot anyway.

Apparently, the entry form says the show running enthusiasts need £25 which is Can$56.15 to take your truck and you get a full 2 free adult and child passes for this and a "campsite pitch". Should you need extra passes these are only £30 (Can$67.38 to you), the only difficult bit is that apparently "Due to new licensing laws" you need to define the type of camping, perhaps our resident MLU HSO can clarify.

In a generous move you can take a support car too for another £25 (Can$56.15) but you mustn't have these anywhere near your truck.

In a considerate and philanthropic gesture, late entries after 1 July are only £50 or Can$112.30

Apparently the site speed limit is 5mph but I am unclear if this also applies to minors on quad bikes and drunks as it doesn't say exactly; and no transference of fuels is allowed either so I must have dreamed about Mr Gas-Axe Brown's T55 Tiger being fuelled from, and by one of the organising enthusiasts.

Mr McSpool will please note that "Vehicles are not permitted to leave the site between 9am and 5pm on show days" so you really must get organised for this "very relaxed, informal event with a minimum of rules and restrictions", make sure you have your shopping done outside show hours then, and take steps to ensure the ferry/airline/train/taxi you use complies accordingly so that you don't arrive or have to leave in breach of the curfew hours.

McSpool will also note that "a one-way system will be in operation and all vehicles must abide by this", I know this is difficult for you continentals used to driving on the wrong side of the road but you really must try harder.

Very sensibly you may not bring any pyrotechnic or blank rounds, which means someone can forcibly expel bodily gas in the small hours exactly like a thunderflash report which is a very impressive capability and will upset Ballard greatly; also all weapons brought on site must comply with our "CURRENT UK legislation" so be cautious of early demils. (ie. if any part moves). Apparently you cannot carry any weapon around the site but I assume the enthusiast organisers have thought of this and should you buy one from one of the 1000 dealers then secure transport will be provided; however, rest assured that with extreme kindness should you ignore these sensible rules then expect "not to be re-invited to attend."

I see there is a contact number for the show's mobile latrine suppliers should you wish to hire your own privately; but I'd not put too much moment on this since it is patently obvious that the organising enthusiasts will ensure that the exhibitors are carefully and properly provided for with plenty of toilets kept excellently serviced by judicious application of the facility fee with care and dedication.

Apparently the two nights of special entertainment are by advance ticket only, I regret I cannot find the price anywhere in the documents that landed on the mat this morning but I sure it will be a most acceptable pittance of a token gesture only since this is again "Run by enthusiasts for enthusiasts. . . . ."

Oh, excuse me, where was I; yes the offer you especially can't miss Geoff. Amongst this prodigious and professionally presented glossy paper, there is to be a Beltring Book !!!!

Co-written by Mr.R.Cadman with one other; it says this will be published on 1 July 2004 and contain "15 pages of full text", "around 400 photographs", together with "facts and figures" which I look forwards to so I may be unconfused about these, and "photo captions wherever possible". There is a call for photos on the glossy flyer so I hope you will all rally-round so that the 400 pictorial insertions can be made.

An absolute snip at £29.99 or Can$67.36 and even more so as its post free in the UK and generously only an extra fiver for overseas if you order now making just a measly £34.99 or Can$78.59; in your position Geoff you really should have two and keep one for best.

But here's the gem of an opportunity to elevate the status of our much-loved MLU to the pinnacle of all things MV, you can have a whole, full colour page for the absolutely piffling sum of £350 which is only Can$786.08, a mere bagatelle to your esteemed personage I'm sure, but to ensure a commensurate full page insertion I am sending you separately two and sixpence as a donation.

You need to move fast, apparently its "first come, first served (as pages are limited)" and I can fully understand this with 15 pages of full text to include as well. Better get to it esteemed Mr. MLU, only movement brings victory.

R.