Lmaorofpmp

Well ... laughter is always good for the soul, right? Here are some quotes of Questions lawyers have actually asked and their Answers. What a hoot

Karmen
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Subject: FW: Fw: Court humour

A few new ones...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
that you have forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for apulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.!
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere.

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

Hi Kartmann
Very amusing. Reminds me of an occasion when I was giving evidence.

Defence Solicitor - Mr. Moseley I suggest to you that you are lying
Me - No sir (spelt cur)
DS - You are lying
Me - No sir

Anyway this went on for several more questions and the solicitor then said

DS - You must remember you are on oath on the Bible
Me - Yes I realise that, however I do not lie on the Bible.

At that exact moment there was a massive peel of thunder outside and you can imagine the reaction in the Court. Suffice to say I won the case.

Bob

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

There are variations on this question but you should get the gist.

Do you often beat up your wife?

Either a yes or no answer still gets you in the S@%T.

Bob

[Tony Smith]

Hmmm, also reminds me of a chap at work who wanted the day off because he was seeing the Doctor the next day and said he needed to study for his blood test.

Originally posted by Bob Moseley
Hi Kartmann
Very amusing. Reminds me of an occasion when I was giving evidence.

DS - You must remember you are on oath on the Bible
Me - Yes I realise that, however I do not lie on the Bible.

At that exact moment there was a massive peel of thunder outside and you can imagine the reaction in the Court. Suffice to say I won the case.

Bob

Timing IS everything isn't it?

Originally posted by Tony Smith
Hmmm, also reminds me of a chap at work who wanted the day off because he was seeing the Doctor the next day and said he needed to study for his blood test.

I'll have to remember this one ... it might come in handy someday