Slow day on the forum....

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

SO I thought I would post a joke or two...


The Bartender was observing two men who were sitting next to each other
> at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't
> help but think, from listening to you,that you're from Ireland."
> >
> > The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
> >
> > The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you
> be?"
> >
> > The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
> >
> > The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what
> street did you live on in Dublin?"
> >
> > The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
> Street in the old central part of town."
> >
> > The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!!
> >
> > And to what school would you have been going?"
> >
> > The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Monica's of course."
> >
> > The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
> what year did you graduate ?"
> >
> > The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
> >
> > The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
> I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar
> tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own
> self."
> >
> > About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits, and orders a beer.
> >
> > Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and
> mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
> >
> > Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
> >
> > "The Kelly twins are drunk again!
>

[Garry Shipton (RIP)]

Good one Al.
A new farm laborer in Ireland is working his first job out in the field beyond the hedge line when he spots a funeral cortage wending it's way up the lane adjacent.He notices two hearses one behind the other passing by with a single line of one hundre d men,one behind the other, of mourners passing by.Being curious,he wanders over to the hedge,opens the gate,doffs his hat to his chest, as the cortage passes.When the second hearse passes,he falls in line next to the lead mounners.Out of curiosity he asks tha gentleman wearing a tophat who he's burying in the first hearse,He replies"Me mother-in law".Again,after a while out of curiosity the farm hand asks,"How did she die"? The gentleman says "The doberman".Our lad exclaims,"Let the saints preserve her soul".They wander along further ,then the laborer asks,"Who is in the second hearse"?The gentleman replies,"My wife".The laborer then asks,"How did she die if you don't mind me asking"?The gentleman replies,"The doberman".The laborer replies,"May the saints preserve her".Finally,the laborer can't take it any mre and asks,"May I borrow the dog"?The gentleman replies,"Get in line".

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Garry...
Watch out for this magic beer....

A guy walks into the bar and grabs a stool beside a guy at the bar drinking a beer..
To make conversation ,he asks what he is drinking...
The guy replies..."Magic beer"...
The new guy says "Magic Beer...???,never heard of it..."
The guy says ..."Ya...It's new....watch"...
So he takes a big slug of beer and goes over to the window,opens it and jumps out,flys around the building and flys back in the window..
The new guy is flabergasted and asks the bartender...."Give me one of those beers that he is drinking...
So the bartender gives him a beer and the guy grabs it and drains it and walks over to the open window and jumps out ...and falls five stories to his death...
The bar tender leans over to the first guy drinking at the bar and says....
"You are such an asshole when you're drunk,Superman...."

[Garry Shipton (RIP)]

N/T

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally posted by Garry Shipton
N/T

Garry..
Here is one for all us crusty old farts ....just to let the young 'uns who's boss...


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa ,
taking her
> faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
>
>
> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles
> discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading
> rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
>
> The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing
some
> bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the
> bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about
> to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
> leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
>
>
> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a
look of
> terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!",
says
>the
> leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
>
>
> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby
> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him
> heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something
> must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
beans
> and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
>
> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here,
> monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving
> canine!
>
>
> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back
> and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,
the
>dog
> sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them
> yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says.
>
>
> "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another
> leopard!
>
>
> Moral of the story...
>
>
> Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome
youth
> and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience............

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally posted by Alex Blair
Watch out for this magic beer....

Starting to repeat yourself, eh? What was it you said about old farts?

H.

[mike mckinley]

hey alex.....regards old farts...you forgot the most important addage," older the bull, stiffer the horn" mike

[Barry Churcher]

Ma'am," said the police office, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do
have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh dear, oh dear, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get
home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein
loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. That's
considered animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
instructed the officer.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter
with the law.

"Calm down dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" queried Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...

[Barry Churcher]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they sometimes take the
apples from the ground, which are not as good, but easy. The apples
at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are
amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have
already been picked!

Now Men.......

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally posted by Hanno Spoelstra
Starting to repeat yourself, eh? What was it you said about old farts?

H.

Hanno

You are a linguist...maybe you will relate to this...

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his
date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his
own car and a D.A. hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother
answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready
yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's
cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're
planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just
go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go
out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to
Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue
really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her
little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that
she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts
his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have
a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy
Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The
Twist!"

[chris vickery]

A biker goes into a bar with a monkey and pulls up a stool at the bar.

The bartender informs the biker that he doesn`t allow pets in the bar, let alone a monkey.

The biker tells him that he is a good monkey and won`t cause any trouble and if he does he`ll gladly pay for the damages.

Reluctantly the bartender agrees and fetches the biker a beer.
In the meantime, the monkey does what monkeys do; he is up and down the bar, swinging off the lights and generally being a pain in the ass.

Suddenly, the monkey spots a couple guys playing a game of pool. Over he goes to the pool table, jumps up, steals the cue ball and eats it. Of course the pool players are mad and yell at the bartender about the misbehaving monkey.

The bartender is furious and gives the biker proper hell about his monkey and the fact that he ate the cue ball. The biker says, no problem, here`s $50 for the ball and we`ll get out of here. Sorry for the trouble...

Well. about two weeks later the same biker goes back into the bar with his monkey.

Upon seeing the duo, the bartender expresses his dislike for the biker and his monkey and the fact that he doesn`t want them in his bar.

The biker convinces the barkeep to let him and the monkey stay for one beer because its really hot out and they are dying for a drink.

He reassures the bartender that the monkey will behave and, if like last time he causes any trouble he`ll pay up and leave immediately.

The monkey sits on the bar for a while and doing what monkeys do, he starts into mischief again.

This time he is going up and down the bar, playing with the stirsticks, eating the bar nuts etc.

Suddenly he spots a beautiful woman drinking a fancy drink with a cherry in it.

The monkey then runs over to her, steals the cherry, stuffs it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it!

All the patrons are horrified at the monkey`s manners and the bartender says it is the most disgusting thing he has ever seen.

To which the biker replies, " well, thats nothing, after the incident with the cue ball he checks everything for size first..."

Originally posted by Alex Blair
Hanno

You are a linguist...maybe you will relate to this...

. . . . . . . . . . .and a D.A. hairdo.

McSpool is certainly very good with even colloquial English, I think this may have him foxed though.

I may be very impressed though. . . . . . . . .



R.

[Jon Skagfeld]

Guy walks into a bar, with an alligator over his shoulder.

Sez to the barkeep "Do you serve Catholics here?"

Upon an affirmative response, the guy sez...

"Give my alligator a Catholic, and I'll have a rum and coke."

Oh, well...guess I'm bound for pergatory.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

This morning on the 401,

I looked over to my
left and there was a
WOMAN !!


in a brand new


VOLVO

doing 65 mph


with her
face up next to her


rear view mirror


putting on her eyeliner.


I looked away


for a couple seconds

and when I looked back she was

halfway over in my lane,

still working on that makeup.


As a man,


I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;

I dropped
my electric shaver,

which knocked

the donut

out of my other hand.
In all
the confusion of trying

to straighten out the car

using my knees against
the steering wheel,

it knocked


my cell phone

away from my ear

which fell

into the coffee

between my legs,

splashed,

and burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

ruined the damn phone,

soaked my pants,

and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers

[John McGillivray]

Definition of Heaven:

Where all the police are British,
Where all the cooks are French,
Where all the mechanics are German,
Where all the lovers are Italian
And everything is organized by the Swiss.

Definition of Hell:

Where all the cooks are British,
Where all the mechanics are French,
Where all the police are German,
Where all the lovers are Swiss,
And everything is organized by the Italians.


Another definition of Hell:

Where you must spent eternity surrounded by 70 virgins. I can not think of a more fitting punishment for suicide bombers.

[Jordan Baker]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me."

[Ponysoldier]

Hooooooooo rah
Patrick