An Australian View of Australians

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Was given this elsewhere (by another Aussie) and thought it a bit amusing. Apparently it's making the rounds down there through email...

WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think.The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next?? Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

You are, I am, we are Australian.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

...and then there's THIS view of Australians...



Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!

First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?

First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you bruce?

(Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael)

Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?

First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.

Everybruce: G'day!

Michael: Hello.

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

Michael: No, it's Michael.

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

Everybruce: Amen!

Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.

Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?

Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.

Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!

Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce: Crack tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?

Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter?

Michael: No!

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

Everybruce: No Poofters!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,

Everybruce: No Poofters!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven,

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

Everybruce: Amen!

(And now all four Bruces launch into the Philosopher's song)

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could drink you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.
And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

[Dana Nield]

I was going to post that, Geoff, but you beat me. I'd still post it, but it may be considered....

SPAM

SPAM

SPAM

SPAM

[Bob Potter]

And THIS is what separates us from the Third World: the ability to laugh at ourselves. I am more afraid of those who cannot laugh at themselves than I am of anybody else. Could you imagine what Saddam would do if Steve Martin did a send-up of him? No, better, John Cleese as Saddam? With the bloke who played Manuel in "Faulty Towers" as Tariq
Aziz?

A.B.: OK, we gave the stuff the Saddam, but not the 10,000 pounds of whatever it is nobody can account for. MY point was we have never used the stuff on anybody: he uses it on his own people.

I don't know. I think we should have banned the long bow. Then maybe we would not be where we are now.

Bob

[David_Hayward (RIP)]

apart from Australia Australians are to be found congregating in large masses in and around Earls Court in west London [West Kensington], and in days of yore in Randy Sheila wagons or VW Campers in an and around Australia House in The Strand. Once the tour of Europe was finished you see, the Aussies [Queenslanders it seems to the teeth] used to flog their VWs to earn the ticket home and in so doing amassed parking tickets as well!

Yes I remember the very first showing of The Bruces on BBC1 as I was and am an avid Monty Python fan. I went with my brother to The Drury Lane Theatre to see the Monty Python Stage Show, and enjoyed all the four letter words that could be put in that were excised for TV.

[Keith Webb]

Jif - I'd say thats reasonably accurate but it misses out on a key ingredient - and dare I bring it up (so to speak) on this august forum, but the missing ingredient is... VEGEMITE!

You guys should try it as a replacement for Maple syrup - just smear it on everything whilst consuming your malt and barley sandwiches. Mmmmmm

And David, I once sold a Kombi outside Australia House (back in 78).

As Jif knows, I'm a devoted Python fan as well and do recall a night in Zephyr when you guys all sang...

"Oh I'm a umberjack and I'm O.K....."
You may also recall I filmed the event after you people had had ample amounts of the amber fluid too.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Originally posted by Keith Webb
You may also recall I filmed the event after you people had had ample amounts of the amber fluid too.

Good god, you didn't.............

[Dana Nield]

The only reason that Canadians are the 'Chosen People' is maple syrup.

And CMPs. Err....

The two reasons that Canadians are the 'Chosen People' is maple syrup and CMPs. And Hockey.

Okay, so the Three reasons that Canadians are the 'Chosen People' is maple syrup, CMPs and Hockey. And an almost fanatical devotion to Don Cherry.

Right! Nevermind! I'll post another message.

Cardinal Biggles

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball
Good god, you didn't.............

Oh, yes I did!
And good fodder it is for a DVD special feature indeed...

[David_Hayward (RIP)]

Keith, I bet I saw you when I was working in Cork Street, between Bond Street and Savile Row, off Piccadilly..I used to go to the Law Courts and the Inland Revenue etc. daily. I see that our local supermarket sells Vegemite...the first the Brits ever heard of it was when Men At Work were chundering over a Vegenite sandwich. This prompted the query as to what the stuff was.

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by David_Hayward
Keith, I bet I saw you when I was working in Cork Street, between Bond Street and Savile Row, off Piccadilly..I used to go to the Law Courts and the Inland Revenue etc. daily.

Ahhh so you were the one I used to see ....
Pity I didn't know you then - I had a collection of CMP pictures with me even in those days!

[David_Hayward (RIP)]

Can you remember that each State had their own office/shop in the The Strand, except for NT? They had Tooths, Reschs, Castlemaine XXXX, Swan, Fosters, and probaly Vegemite as well in the windows to show off Aussie products. Now we get British-brewed Fosters and XXXX and after a few tubes can sing "The Bruces' Song".

[Bob Potter]

You have no right to complain, sir. British-brewed Fosters is certainly better than Coors-brewed Castlemaine or (forgive me, Maple Leafs) Canadian-brewed Fosters. When I first discovered Fosters here in the States it was imported from Oz. Now, alas, it is not. The state of the world . . . .

Bob:

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by Bob Potter
You have no right to complain, sir. British-brewed Fosters is certainly better than Coors-brewed Castlemaine or (forgive me, Maple Leafs) Canadian-brewed Fosters. When I first discovered Fosters here in the States it was imported from Oz. Now, alas, it is not. The state of the world . . . .

Bob:

Bob and David, if you come here you can try the real thing brewed in good old OZ yourselves!

We have a HUGE variety of brews for you to sample - really tremendous ales from breweries such as the Tasmanian Cascade and the South Aussie Coopers to name but two.

[David_Hayward (RIP)]

You can still get imported Aussie beer here. I have also sampled Canadian beer as well...and I love their Canadian Club. I have to say that the Brit-brewed Fosters etc. is not a patch on the real thing.

[Bob Potter]

One of my former students spent a year studying at the University of New England (I think) in west Oz. On her way through the airport on her way home, she bought be a mixed six of Australian 12 oz. tubes. I cherish them for very special occasions. I still have some cans of Oz Fosters from years back.

I'd love to visit but I am not sure we Yanks are exactly the flavor of the month nowadays.

Bob

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by Bob Potter


I'd love to visit but I am not sure we Yanks are exactly the flavor of the month nowadays.

Bob

Bob,
Whilst there are a vocal number of anti-war people here (as in your country). let me tell you CMP people of any nationality will always be welcome here.

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

Hi Bob Potter

And to reinforce what Keith said, you come down here and between Keith and I and our contacts we could arrange a brewery tour of Australia for you. You'll need plenty of travelling time but not much money as the exchange rate is very much in your favour. And once you get sick of beer Australian made wine is the best in the world, especially the reds.

Come on down.

Bob

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Originally posted by Bob Moseley
.....And once you get sick of beer Australian made wine is the best in the world, especially the reds.

A lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines. This is a pity as many fine Australian wines appeal not only to the Australian palate but also to the cognoscenti of Great Britain.

Black Stump Bordeaux is rightly praised as a peppermint flavoured Burgundy, whilst a good Sydney Syrup can rank with any of the world's best sugary wines.

Château Blue, too, has won many prizes; not least for its taste, and its lingering afterburn.

Old Smokey 1968 has been compared favourably to a Welsh claret, whilst the Australian Wino Society thoroughly recommends a 1970 Coq du Rod Laver, which, believe me, has a kick on it like a mule: 8 bottles of this and you're really finished. At the opening of the Sydney Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an hour.

Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is Perth Pink. This is a bottle with a message in, and the message is 'beware'. This is not a wine for drinking, this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.

Another good fighting wine is Melbourne Old-and-Yellow, which is particularly heavy and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.

Quite the reverse is true of Château Chunder, which is an appellation contrôlée, specially grown for those keen on regurgitation; a fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

Real emetic fans will also go for a Hobart Muddy, and a prize winning Cuivre Reserve Château Bottled Nuit San Wogga Wogga, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

[David_Hayward (RIP)]

I have worked in French vineyards, and there is no question that the Aussies are in the 22nd Century so far as wine making is concerned. There is a nice vineyard just up the road from here....one of the biggest in the UK in the past. They did a very nice white, and then a red, and a sparkling white. I asked the guy that ran it, Wellow Vineyard by the way, where was the farthest north vinyeard he knew of. He said that he had an enquiry from Scotland! The local vines are grown on south-facing slopes as per northern France or Germany. However there are quite a few round now. With global warming this migration northwards will continue, and Australia will be re-located to the British Isles. We will be chundering on Vegemite-flavoured wines eaten with Roo Steaks and giant prawns on barbies or even kens!

Just noticed in our local supermarket that they sell Canadian Cheddar. That reminded me that Canadian wines are very good as well.

Oh! The guy who played Manuel is Andrew Sachs. Andrew was a Jewish refugee from Nazi Germany as a child.

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

Hi gals and guys

I continue to be trooly trooly (to quote the words of a revered Australian icon, Kylie Mole) amazed at the broad-ranging instant expertise continuously being demonstrated in this forum. The latest topic, Australian Wine, is no exception. Amongst other things I have learnt to my astonishment, is that Canada produces wine. I wasn’t aware the grapevine could be cultivated in permafrost. The baume content of these grapes must produce some brilliant vinegar. I do know that Australia possesses some of the oldest vineyards in the world as the majority of the French ones have been wiped out by phylloxera hence causing them to replant. The French, also because of the superior Australian wines, placed an embargo on names such as Champagne and Bordeaux to stifle competition.

And I learnt a new word, cognoscenti. Although I must admit I had to consult the dictionary that was imported into Australia in case we ever heard a new word.

But Geoffrey, what impacted most on me was your bepraising dissitation on our most sacred wines. Obviously samples of these must have been smuggled out of Australia, much like some of our rare military vehicles, for world consumption.

And readers of this post, this invaluable evaluation has embedded (lookee lookee us Colonials even learn new buzz-words) in my mind an image of our Sunray, sitting in a dimly candle-lit corner of a wine bar, listening to the world famous Australian jazz trumpeter James Morrison, whilst gently caressing the subtle bouquet of the Coq du Rod Laver.

Bob

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

I forgot the most important thing with my last post.



Bob

[Keith Webb]

...to come to Corowa next year. Corowa as the Year of the Blitz documentary explains) is located in the heart of one of many Australian wine growing regions with tens of wineries within an easy CMP drive - and most do cellar door sales and tastings...
And the Year of the Studebaker (in post-production) features a scene of vineyards shot from a moving Stude driven by our own Mark Sierant.

[Richard Farrant]

Originally posted by Keith Webb
...to come to Corowa next year. Corowa as the Year of the Blitz documentary explains) is located in the heart of one of many Australian wine growing regions with tens of wineries within an easy CMP drive - and most do cellar door sales and tastings...

and some very good Ports to be had..................

Richard

[DaveCox]

And when you Aussies have shot all the 'roos how are you going to carry on making chunder - fodder for export to the less discerning amongst us?

( Yes you'll need the national copy of the dicshonairy again!)

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by DaveCox
And when you Aussies have shot all the 'roos how are you going to carry on making chunder - fodder for export to the less discerning amongst us?

( Yes you'll need the national copy of the dicshonairy again!)

Found this reference:
From Peter McCarthy, Australia: ?A common Australian euphemism for vomit is chunder, as you undoubtedly know. Is the derivation watch under? This was supposedly shouted out by upper-deck passengers on emigrant ships, before vomiting over the rails to the peril of those below. As an explanation, it sounds a bit too cute. And how long has the word been around? I don?t remember it at all prior to its use in the Barry McKenzie comic strip by Barry Humphries in the 1960s. Perhaps we Australians are the victims of another Humphries practical joke??

Barry Humphries AKA Dame Edna was, with Philip Adams responsible for the movie "The Adventures of Barry McKenzie" based on a comic strip in Private Eye - worth catching if you like the Strine language at it's best (or should that be worst?)

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

Be careful mate. Your last post could shatter the illusion that we got no learning and could actually know things. And as for having a go at our national copy of the dicshonairy I reckon we's good we got a book. Whadya reckon mate eh?

Obb no Bbo no ah got it Bob :

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by Bob Moseley
Be careful mate. Your last post could shatter the illusion that we got no learning and could actually know things. And as for having a go at our national copy of the dicshonairy I reckon we's good we got a book. Whadya reckon mate eh?

Obb no Bbo no ah got it Bob :

Could be right there, Bob.

Meanwhile one of my favourite quotes from Bazza:

"I'm gunna get full as a catholic school and spew all over the lottayers!"

Or words to that effect...

My, we're a cultured lot downunder, aren't we?

During the Korean War our battalion 1 RCR was to be relieved by 3 RAR. Their advanced party came up with their funny rifles. After the daily platoon "O" group I asked the Ausie rep where his Owen gun was. He said "The company commander would not let us bring them, he said you Bastards would steal them".

[Keith Webb]

There's a bloke who hails from Adelaide who has made a study (and a book) on the Aussie back yard. He has an interesting website



http://www.ibys.org/

Worth a good look for some philosophy I'm sure a lot of you will identify with.