who's commin to visit the land of oz next

Max Hedges · #1 08-09-05, 14:04

There has been a good deal of talk about this great southern land, and I reckon it's about time to organise a trip down under. Next March would be a good time to come, book early so we can let our wives how many they have to cook for.I'm shore accommondation can be aranged, you still have room on the floor at your place Keefy, how you going Bob, got ya house built yet.
Max

Tony Smith · #2 08-09-05, 20:57

I'll take up your offer, Max! (Well, your block of land is south of here!) I have in my possesion a certain item you might like to barter for! Hope to get down there before March, though.

Max Hedges · #3 08-09-05, 23:56

Anyone commin to stay has to bring a gift. I like the way you think Tony.
By the way I found some treasures for you to look at next time you come this way
Max

PS all Canadians have to bring crown royal at least 2.5 litres at a time

Bob Moseley (RIP) · #4 09-09-05, 00:25

Hi all
We should be in residence by X-Mas this year and open for any visitors. For all you over-sea-ers, get yourself to Corowa.
Bob

Max Hedges · #5 09-09-05, 03:41

It would be a good time for Jiff and Karmen to visit . We could organise a trip, a few get togethers, BBQ's, etc etc, seeing such things a Sydney Lake Eyre, Uluru, Canberra and various other scenery and I suppose you might get to see all the old things we've all collected. This way you could travel and see a fair variety for very little cost.

Max

cliff · #6 09-09-05, 03:49

yes we could bring them up here to Queensland as well and I can show Geoff my pet 'huntsman' sp***rs.

Jon Skagfeld · #7 09-09-05, 06:25

If I visit, may I wear my size 58 slouch hat?

#8 09-09-05, 06:34

Quote:

Originally posted by Max Hedges
It would be a good time for Jiff and Karmen to visit . We could organise a trip, a few get togethers, BBQ's, etc etc, seeing such things a Sydney Lake Eyre, Uluru, Canberra and various other scenery and I suppose you might get to see all the old things we've all collected. This way you could travel and see a fair variety for very little cost.

Max

Ah

... how sad

That's mega dollars to get there and back .... but wait ... I've yet to check my lotto numbers for tonites draw

I somewhow know that a trip to visit all of you folks would be a high point (many many high points) in my life ... and I may even make pets of the camel spiders

Know ... if ever it becomes a possibility, I'd love to come visiting, and I'd even be gentle with my frying pans ... as long as I had Tim Tams and Vegemite ... and Aussie hospitality

I wish ........................................

Ma

Max Hedges · #9 09-09-05, 08:20

All you would have to find is the air ticket and some small change the rest is free if you don't get the hint so just get saving as it's amazing what a bottle of crown royal will do to Aussies, as it's just not available out here just like your beloved tim tams.

Jon
plan for next March as your just as welcome to come and drive a Bltiz to corowa

Max

alleramilitaria · #10 09-09-05, 08:57

are the yanks invited?

Max Hedges · #11 09-09-05, 10:06

Yes to all countries you should know we take anyone. My ancestors came out as convicts.

Max

alleramilitaria · #12 09-09-05, 10:08

so did my wifes, and she never hears the end of it

Tony Smith · #13 09-09-05, 14:42

Quote:

Originally posted by Jon Skagfeld
If I visit, may I wear my size 58 slouch hat?

No, anyone stepping off an International flight is automatically given one to keep in their own size by Customs and Immigration, along with a stamp in their passport and a shot of Sp***r venom antidote.

Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) · #14 09-09-05, 22:25

In line with the Creepy Crawlie thread, I ran across this today. Instructive....

Quote:

An Abridged Natural History of Australia (or The Second Way a Wombat Kills)

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical high-speed launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture, they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, how d'ya like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings

"G'Day!"

"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

"She'll be right."

"And down from Kosioskco, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.

Thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"

Max Hedges · #15 10-09-05, 01:51

Non Australians if you receive tim tams in the mail it is a trap to make you come and visit this country as there are additivies that people have become addicted to and makes them want for tim tams so much that they just have to come down under to buy their own supply. If any one is scared off by what Jiff writes about this country, some of which is true, I don't see what you are all scared about these things are nothing to what really happens, just come and enjoy and see for yourself.

Correction on the Wombat he just eats roots and leaves. I woudln't even worry about the beer either, it's the rum that really bowls the Cnandians over, just ask any that have tried it.

Max

cliff · #16 10-09-05, 02:15

Quote:

Originally posted by Max Hedges
I woudln't even worry about the beer either, it's the rum that really bowls the Canadians over, just ask any that have tried it.

Max

LOL and I have Bunderberg rum factory just up the road from me as well

cheers
Cliff

PS> I could comment about the wombat who eats...etc etc etc but it may get edited real quick

#17 10-09-05, 05:26

Oh dear oh crap ... I shouldn't think that Ma

's ittie bittie wee self and

is enough to stand up to this particular huge-fat-n-heavy-lookin-wombat-ish-hairy-beast

... although perhaps it likes Vegemite and Tim Tams?

Max Hedges · #18 10-09-05, 05:46

Karmen, up north they have a wombat called the hairy nosed wombat, all these different wombats to find and what about the echidna

Max

zemsi · #19 10-09-05, 05:54

Wow, what an excellent idea! Everybody who could get an airline ticket should do it. Max, Keefy and Salesman Bob are really awesome "landlords". They'll show you all around the CMP places, and perhabs you'll get even a ride in Max's Bren Gun Carrier! The Aussies are the best accomodation providers and tour guides! So, don't miss this chance of your lifetime!

The topic for Corowa 2006 is "Scout Cars and Armored Vehicles", think even Half Tracks are expected.

#20 10-09-05, 07:04

Quote:

Originally posted by Max Hedges
Karmen, up north they have a wombat called the hairy nosed wombat, all these different wombats to find and what about the echidna

Max

Hey Max,

We already have hairy nosed wombats here ... Ohhhh and oooooops

... my mistake .... those are our pet racoons

:

Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) · #21 10-09-05, 07:23

Quote:

Originally posted by Vets Dottir
Hey Max,

We already have hairy nosed wombats here ... Ohhhh and oooooops ... my mistake .... those are our pet racoons:

HER pet raccoons... bitey buggers they are, but they like Karmen because she feeds the little bastards...

Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) · #22 10-09-05, 07:40

Quote:

Originally posted by Max Hedges
Non Australians if you receive tim tams in the mail it is a trap to make you come and visit this country as there are additivies that people have become addicted to and makes them want for tim tams so much that they just have to come down under to buy their own supply. If any one is scared off by what Jiff writes about this country, some of which is true, I don't see what you are all scared about these things are nothing to what really happens, just come and enjoy and see for yourself.

Correction on the Wombat he just eats roots and leaves. I woudln't even worry about the beer either, it's the rum that really bowls the Cnandians over, just ask any that have tried it.

Max

Try as you might me ol' trout, you can never "bowl me over"... an' I'll have tea in my rum in the morning, thank you...

DaveCox · #23 10-09-05, 08:44

If I ever get to sit on a 'plane for three bloody weeks and journey to Oz I'd have to stick to the cities - which would mean missing the best bits of the country!
I can handle spiders, they don't scare me, but snakes - AAARRRGGGHHH - I even have problems with the little non-venemous grass snakes we have in the UK - when I took the kids to the zoo I was in & out of the reptile house in less than a minute and looking for somewhere to have a smoke!
The only good snake is one that's been treated to both barrels of a 12-bore loaded with 'swan-shot'.....

Keith Webb · #24 10-09-05, 10:55

Quote:

Originally posted by DaveCox
If I ever get to sit on a 'plane for three bloody weeks and journey to Oz I'd have to stick to the cities - which would mean missing the best bits of the country!
I can handle spiders, they don't scare me, but snakes - AAARRRGGGHHH - I even have problems with the little non-venemous grass snakes we have in the UK - when I took the kids to the zoo I was in & out of the reptile house in less than a minute and looking for somewhere to have a smoke!
The only good snake is one that's been treated to both barrels of a 12-bore loaded with 'swan-shot'.....

Hi Dave
Despite my pics of a tiger snake on the dashboard, you really have to try hard to fins a snake - they're not exactly slithering hither and thither so thickly you can't avoid stepping on them... but on the other hand, if you DO want to see them you can!
If you come to Corowa and spend your time inside a Ferret you'll be pretty safe!
Incidentally the tiger snake was rather relaxed - in fact it had completely lost interest in it's surroundings thanks to getting stuck in some bird netting the day before.

zemsi · #25 10-09-05, 12:43

@Dave

Who has told you that you'll see snakes in Aussie???

I just slepped 7 nights under the stars in a swag in the Northern Territory between Darwin and Broome and never saw a snake. Haven't seen so far any (been travelling for 2 months around Aussie). The snakes are pretty rare. If you make a lot of noise they disappear as fast as the can.

So, there's nothing you'll have to be scared about!

Aussie Swagman
Chris

cliff · #26 10-09-05, 13:15

Quote:

Originally posted by zemsi
@Dave

Who has told you that you'll see snakes in Aussie???

I just slepped 7 nights under the stars in a swag in the Northern Territory between Darwin and Broome and never saw a snake. Haven't seen so far any (been travelling for 2 months around Aussie). The snakes are pretty rare. If you make a lot of noise they disappear as fast as the can.

So, there's nothing you'll have to be scared about!

Aussie Swagman
Chris

No you may not have seen them but I bet plenty saw you Chris

cheers
Cliff

Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) · #27 10-09-05, 13:35

Quote:

Originally posted by cliff
No you may not have seen them but I bet plenty saw you Chris

cheers
Cliff

Cliffy.... I just figured you out! You're yet another Aussie shyte-stirrer, aren't you? Same pot as Tony, Max and the rest of those loonies! Crikey. What did I do to deserve you lot??!! Penance for past sins?

Speaking of idiocy, milady and I were listening to Celtic music until I went to bed at approx 2:30 this morning... I woke up in a panic at 0645 thinking 'I'm going to be late for work', then didn't realize it was Saturday until I was sitting here in front of the computer wondering why I was so damned tired... sheesh. Going back to sleep in a minute.

Chris, just for your general fund of information, Oz has sp****s big enough to drag you out of that swag and into their burrows as a playtoy for their millions of babies...

cliff · #28 11-09-05, 00:43

Quote:

Originally posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball
Cliffy.... I just figured you out! You're yet another Aussie shyte-stirrer, aren't you? Same pot as Tony, Max and the rest of those loonies! Crikey. What did I do to deserve you lot??!! Penance for past sins?

LOL I've been found out

cheers
Cliff

Max Hedges · #29 11-09-05, 04:59

Thought we best explain that when the phrase " eats roots and leaves" is used it means ,eats has sex and then leaves in other words uses you. So be careful of those wombats as they are a sneaky lot. We had one girl from Canada ask at the local pub which team do you root for, so obviously there is a different meaning to the word over there.

Max

PS Jiff are you in charge of bookings for next March downunder

Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) · #30 11-09-05, 10:23

Quote:

Originally posted by Max Hedges
PS Jiff are you in charge of bookings for next March downunder

Y'see, Max, there's this little thing called "money". As it stands now, I ain't got enough of it. Keep ya posted, though.