Some Funnies

[hrpearce]

The latest development in brest implants is to incorporate Ipod's into them costing between $400 and $800 depending on cup size and speaker selection. This should stop women complaining that men just stare at their brests and don't listen to them.

[aj.lec]

In case you need a laugh:
>>>>> Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
>>>> school certificate to fix one.
>>>>>
>>>>> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe
>>>> Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
>>>>> The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
>>>> form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
>>>>>
>>>>> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
>>>>> Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
>>>> pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
>>>>> recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>>>>>
>>>>> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
>>>> an accident.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>>>>> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>>>>>

FAVORITES
>>>>> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>>>>> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Something loose in cockpit.
>>>>> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>>>>> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>>>> descent.
>>>>> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>>>>> S: Evidence removed.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>>>>> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>>>>> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>>> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>>>>> S: Suspect you're right.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>>>>> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Aircraft handles funny
>>>>> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Target radar hums.
>>>>> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Mouse in cockpit.
>>>>> S: Cat installed.
>>>>>
>>>>> And the best one for last..................
>>>>> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
>>>> pounding on something with a hammer.
>>>>> S: Took hammer away from midget.