Some Funnies

[cliff]

A friend sent me this....

Wish I could think this fast...

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

[Howard]

I have a feeling this may have ben posted before, but a quick quick search of the forum proved fruitless. So, here I present...
Rural Australian Computer Terminology
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

[Howard]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen: an old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

[Keith Webb]

No comment. Really.

[Keith Webb]

Here's a golden oldie:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach

when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a

booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried

to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one

wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge

to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord

said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the

supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific

and the concrete and steel it would take! It will

nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,

but it is hard for me to justify your desire for

worldly things. Take a little more time and think of

something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker

thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand

women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's

thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why

she cries, what she means when she says nothing's

wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied,









'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Mike K]

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)



According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers.... and then there are educators!!!

[Tony Smith]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Here's a golden oldie:
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach ........
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; ......and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment

Poor bloke must have given up riding in the end:

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Tony Smith

Poor bloke must have given up riding in the end:

Bet that's not the first time something like this has occurred.

Has it happened to anyone else?