Some Funnies

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I'm wondering if Chris has hopped up his Ford.CMP...

Swiss court fines speeding millionaire $290,000
AP


Thu Jan 7, 10:47 am ET

ST. GALLEN, Switzerland – A Swiss court has slapped a wealthy speeder with a chalet-sized fine — a full $290,000.

Judges at the cantonal court in St. Gallen, in eastern Switzerland, based the record-breaking fine on the speeder's estimated wealth of over $20 million.

A statement on the court's Web site says the driver — a repeat offender — drove up to 35 miles an hour (57 kilometers an hour) faster than the 50-mile-an-hour (80-kilometer-an-hour) limit.

Court clerk Heidi Baumann-Becker said Thursday the unidentified driver can appeal the decision, handed down in November, to the Swiss supreme court.

The Blick daily newspaper in Zurich reported the fine was more than twice the previous Swiss record of about $107,000.

Chris..was this you..??

[Keith Webb]

This made me laugh.

[aj.lec]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

Slim,

Tall,

38D breast,

24" waist and

34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Submitted by Henk Minne:

Marrying a woman from Canada

The first man married a woman from Houston ,Texas. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[Jon Skagfeld]

Originally Posted by Hanno Spoelstra

Submitted by Henk Minne:

Hanno: It's so difficult to type when tears of laughter are still streaming down my cheeks.

This would be particularly true if he married a Newfoundlander!

Good one.

[Brian Gough]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brian

[aj.lec]

Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this,

but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.


He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'


The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'


The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'


Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'


When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,


'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'


Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ....it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40.