Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'

He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth.

Let's see if we can see the Lord..'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.... Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

[aj.lec]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an

intellectual way.


Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the

fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.

Schitt, Inc.They had one son, Jack.



In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious

couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla

Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.



Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were

living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.



Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced

the *Schitt-Happens* nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were

Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.



Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.



Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.



Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt