Some Funnies

[Eric Korhonen]

Newfoundland Declares War on the USA.




President Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Obama replied, "This is indeed important news ! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Obama paused. "I must tell you Archie that we have one million men in our army waiting to move on my command."

"Holyjeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"



Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Obama asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that we have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased our army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard t'underin' bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Obama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that we have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. Our military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased our army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Obama . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGoXf...layer_embedded

[Ganmain Tony]

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple: Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

“As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on, back and forth.

“Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails, and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:


Rebecca (PINK)
Bill (BLUE).


THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much, her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Bill)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Bill)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

(Bill)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh, no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A$$h@le.

(Bill)

B*tch!

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

(Bill)

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.


(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.



So did I LOL Ganmain Tony

[Keith Webb]

This is good.



Source

[Lang]

I think my previous heading was too "subtle" and possibly offensive to those who did not enlarge the thumbnail so : Wee Willy out for an airing on the Queen's visit!

[cliff]

Mathematical Logic


This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint.....it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, but it is the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

[Keith Webb]

Love it when things are reduced to basics:

[lynx42]

http://videosift.com/video/A-Most-Wo...he-Hanky-Panky

Have a laugh.!!!(I hope no-one is offended).

[Yeo.NT]

How do you double the worth of your restoration project? Fill up the petrol tank.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by lynx42

http://videosift.com/video/A-Most-Wo...he-Hanky-Panky

Have a laugh.!!!(I hope no-one is offended).

Only in Montreal Canada do we have such talent..Bravo..!!

Ursula Martinez - Hanky Panky @ Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal.

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Only in Montreal Canada do we have such talent..Bravo..!!

Ursula Martinez - Hanky Panky @ Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal.

It was my wife who showed me this some time ago - My jaw hit the ground.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

It was my wife who showed me this some time ago - My jaw hit the ground.

You sure it was your jaw...
Here is a little entertainment for you..A neat project for the Corowa show using old CMP parts...and Carrier parts..

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=RobaJKGMMiE
Alex
Happy Easter (The Easter Bunny in drag..)

[aj.lec]

That is one time you would not want a hose to rupture

[Paul Singleton]

The Esso near me had some troubles with their sign today. I hope it's not a sign of things to come!