Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

Dating in 1965

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1965 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced Tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Really?" Fred replied; eyebrows rising.

"Oh yes," the mother continued. "When she goes
out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!" Fred said as he began
thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a poodle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids!" her mother called as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"It's 'The Twist', Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

"The freakin' dance is called the Twist!”

[Keith Webb]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

’Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.

’What’s going on here, people?’ asks the officer. ‘I’m making love to me wife,’ the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

’Oh, I’m so sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’

’Well, needer did I,’ says Paddy, ’til ya shoined dat bloody light in her face!!!

[Keith Webb]

They have some very good signs from time to time.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Keith ..
Here is one for you...


Two traffic police officers on patrol near North Berwick were involved in an
unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1, Great
North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a
vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the
speed was recorded at over 300 mph.

Their radar gun then suddenly stopped working, and the officers were not
able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree-tops revealed that the radar had in
fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a
low-flying exercise over the Scottish/English borders, approaching them from
the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff compl
aint to the RAF Liaison office . . .

Back came the reply in true, laconic, RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this
incident"

"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado jet
in question, had detected the presence of (and subsequently locked onto)
your hostile radar equipment, and had automatically sent a jamming signal
back to it, which was why it stopped working"

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft, had
also 'automatically' locked onto your equipment"

"Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what
it was, and quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, managing
to override the automated defense system, before the missile was launched
and your hostile radar installation was destroyed"

"Good Day"...................

[aj.lec]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING


MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found Shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Hudson

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away? This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Police were called.

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least:

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.

One of the clerks passed out.

[aj.lec]

And they say revenge is sweet...........

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, you are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

[Ganmain Tony]

Robot barman

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot barman.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global
warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.



The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another
drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100."



Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holden’s, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.



Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"



The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says...real slowly...





"So...............ya gonna vote for Kevin again???"