Some Funnies

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Now this is a man's BBQ!!!!


BBQ RULES
It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine......
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[Keith Webb]

With one omission I have corrected. I know there are other military colours but this one no man should leave out.

[Ganmain Tony]

World survey



Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

· In Eastern Europe they didn't know the meaning of the meaning of "honest";

· In Western Europe they didn't know the meaning of "shortage";

· In Africa they didn't know the meaning of "food";

· In China they didn't know the meaning of "opinion";

· In the Middle East they didn't know the meaning of "solution";

· In South America they didn't know the meaning of "please";

· In the USA they didn't know the meaning of "the rest of the world";

· In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[aj.lec]

Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind
to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father
and supported many charities.


One day the evil brother died. Then,
after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to
heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life.


One day he went to God and asked,
"Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him
here in heaven."



God replied, "As you know, your brother
led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.
He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied.
"But, I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.
"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother
gazed into hell. Before long, he saw his brother
sitting on a bench.



In one arm he held a keg of beer,
and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and
he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the
other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.

The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

[colin jones]

We always here the rules from the female side, now here's they are from the male side.
1. Breast are for looking at and thats what we do. Don,t change it.
1. Learn to work with the toilet seat. We don,t complain when its down.
1. Saturday sport is like a full moon or the changing of the tide. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport and we never think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want and lets be clear on that.
Subtle hints don't work
strong hints don't work
Obvious hints don't work
Just say it?
1. yes or no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thats what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for!
1. A headache for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor!
1. If you think you're fat you probably are so don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be taken 2 ways and 1 of them makes you sad
then we meant the other one.
1. You can eitherask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not
both. If you know the best way then do it yourself!
1. Christopher Columbus did'nt need directions and niether do we.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched and we will do that.
!. If we ask whats wrong and you say nothing then we will act that way
cause its not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to then expect an
answer you don't want to hear?
1. When we go somewhere what ever you wear will be O.K.
1. Don't ask what we're thinking unless you want to discuss sex, cars or sport
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape cause round is a shape!

Thanks for reading and yes I will be sleeping on the couch but thats Ok. Its
just like camping?

Please pass this on to men and give them a laugh then pass it on to women and give them an education?

[Ganmain Tony]

We are a cultured lot, even appreciate poetry......