Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

With one omission I have corrected. I know there are other military colours but this one no man should leave out.

[Ganmain Tony]

World survey



Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

· In Eastern Europe they didn't know the meaning of the meaning of "honest";

· In Western Europe they didn't know the meaning of "shortage";

· In Africa they didn't know the meaning of "food";

· In China they didn't know the meaning of "opinion";

· In the Middle East they didn't know the meaning of "solution";

· In South America they didn't know the meaning of "please";

· In the USA they didn't know the meaning of "the rest of the world";

· In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[aj.lec]

Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind
to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father
and supported many charities.


One day the evil brother died. Then,
after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to
heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life.


One day he went to God and asked,
"Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him
here in heaven."



God replied, "As you know, your brother
led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.
He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied.
"But, I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.
"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother
gazed into hell. Before long, he saw his brother
sitting on a bench.



In one arm he held a keg of beer,
and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and
he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the
other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.

The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

[colin jones]

We always here the rules from the female side, now here's they are from the male side.
1. Breast are for looking at and thats what we do. Don,t change it.
1. Learn to work with the toilet seat. We don,t complain when its down.
1. Saturday sport is like a full moon or the changing of the tide. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport and we never think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want and lets be clear on that.
Subtle hints don't work
strong hints don't work
Obvious hints don't work
Just say it?
1. yes or no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thats what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for!
1. A headache for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor!
1. If you think you're fat you probably are so don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be taken 2 ways and 1 of them makes you sad
then we meant the other one.
1. You can eitherask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not
both. If you know the best way then do it yourself!
1. Christopher Columbus did'nt need directions and niether do we.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched and we will do that.
!. If we ask whats wrong and you say nothing then we will act that way
cause its not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to then expect an
answer you don't want to hear?
1. When we go somewhere what ever you wear will be O.K.
1. Don't ask what we're thinking unless you want to discuss sex, cars or sport
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape cause round is a shape!

Thanks for reading and yes I will be sleeping on the couch but thats Ok. Its
just like camping?

Please pass this on to men and give them a laugh then pass it on to women and give them an education?

[Ganmain Tony]

We are a cultured lot, even appreciate poetry......

[Keith Webb]

Only the dog knows...

[gjamo]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"