Some Funnies

[Kuno]

Recently in Bristol / UK:

[Ganmain Tony]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia 's third language

Kookaburra plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica ... No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported into the USA legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Australian drops to 115 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 4532 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.







I Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares Me!

[aj.lec]

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

‘Janie, do you have a story to share?'


''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Keith Orpin]

I like this one !

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,"
she explained." It excites him to no end every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

[lynx42]

Subject: FW: Paddy Murphy's Babies!
>
> Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
> Upon arriving, the Nurse says
> 'Congratulations, your wife has had quins - 5 big baby boys.
> ' Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a Willie on me like a
> chimney.
> ' The nurse replies,
> 'You'd need to get it cleaned because the babies are all black.'