Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this..
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

[aj.lec]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked
as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia ..

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

[lynx42]

A CATTLE DOG STORY

Julia Gillard called Kevin Rudd into her office one day and said "Kevin, I have a
great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters"..

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Kevin.

"Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM
Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll
really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we
really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Kevin.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from
Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they
were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and
up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Rudd and Gillard stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding
now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at
their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old
stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail
with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the
other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He
walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and
went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and
lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the
dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar
with two arseholes"...

[lynx42]

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once
more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some
reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??
The prostitute replies, 'Well, Pops, you're doing about three knots.
Three knots? he asks. What's that supposed to mean?
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back!'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"...
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first FUC*ING time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[lynx42]

Coming soon to your military hospitals around the world!

The Prostate Exam:
[]
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment
of a prostate test by the British National Health Service,
a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco !

[cliff]

guys some of these jokes are getting very very borderline for this site. Please try and be a bit more conservative with your jokes!