Some Funnies

[Little Jo]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock..... I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Cheers

Tony

[Howard]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, what really happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, what did happen to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the fXXk happened to Stanley?"

[lynx42]

The Aussie Version of Creation




In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for Sailing, footy matches, going to the beach,and BBQs.


He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming, SailingClick Me! and BBQs on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.


On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer Garlic for "Pork" (which he would invent on Day4)
And wood forYacht Masts, BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Fourth Day God created animals Pigs and Cows
and crustaceans, chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to make use of all these wondrous creations - Sail Yachts, go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to Crew on his Yacht, go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the Sailing Boats, twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of Roast Pork, grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.

Well - almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to Anti Foul, bury the chop bones, clean up the mess and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, polish the boat, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good - it was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

MATE!! IT WAS ALL AUSTRALIAN!!!!!

[aj.lec]

Stuck in a Traffic Jam

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.

They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about five litres.'

--

[lynx42]

This on is not a 'Funny'. but is very interesting, I was not sure where to put it.

Check it out .

The new money in China has brought new wealth to many and they go and buy a motorcycle or car and take to the roads. This is the result.

http://pop.6park.com/life2/messages/24007.html

[Bruce MacMillan]

An American walks into a Glasgow pub and says, "I'll give anyone 500 dollars if they can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.

One man even leaves the bar.

A little while later the bloke that left comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 pints up on the bar the bloke downs them all in 8 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he gets suspicious and asks, "When you left the bar there for a minute, where did you go?"

Guy answers, "I went to the pub next door to make sure I could do it first."

[aj.lec]

“I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story..”

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)... Queensland’s famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! (For you overseas people a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10 deadliest snakes, Australia has 5 of them.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in its mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog out of his mouth and put it into my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on with my fishing with the frog as my bait.

A little while later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.