Some Funnies

[Phil Waterman]

How about mounting one of those inflatable Sherman decoys they made, on a cart? Inflate it part with helium and you could have a "0" added weight.

Cheers Phil

[Darrell Zinck]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything


regards
Darrell

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

[lynx42]

Buttercups and Golf balls...

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty
yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
thrashing just about every buttercup
in the patch..

All of a sudden . . .. POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm
Mother Nature!"

"Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?" Just for doing
what you have done,
you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better
still, you won't have any butter
for your toast for the rest of your life .. As a matter of fact, you'll
never have any butter for anything the
rest of your life!"

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where
are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the clump of pussy willows."


Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


You're going to love Dad's reply:






'Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?'

[lynx42]

MY GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE:-

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit, or to repeatedly beat the Shit out of something


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to your rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in
about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack, or the RACV.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-shit off your boots.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
and oil leaks

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-
and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to always cut hoses12mm too short.

[Howard]

An aussie History Lesson

Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.
The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labor.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement.
Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as pooftas. Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.
Modern Laborites and Union leaders like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish - but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare. Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Laborites.
Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX. They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women. Liberals are big game hunters, forestry workers, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.
Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Laborites - just to piss them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
I'm going to have another beer and light the BBQ.