Some Funnies

[Howard]

An aussie History Lesson

Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.
The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labor.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Labor movement.
Some of these labor men eventually evolved into women. They became known as pooftas. Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.
Modern Laborites and Union leaders like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish - but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare. Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, government workers - state and federal, personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff, and group therapists are Laborites.
Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX. They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women. Liberals are big game hunters, forestry workers, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.
Laborites produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Laborites - just to piss them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
I'm going to have another beer and light the BBQ.

[aj.lec]

I like it
You forgot to add that they cant get a majority vote so once again have to get in to bed with greens backdoor Bob and take it as they are doing to the country accordingly
So in the line of this

5 Passengers 4 Parachutes...

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one.The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, "I'm the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped

The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag!”

[lynx42]

Excellent history lesson, Howard.

[Hans Mulder]

In Canada, the Liberals are a whole different bunch... Substitute Conservatives for Liberals and substitute Labour with Liberals/NDP/Green and you've got Canada figured out.

[Lang]

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing....

Youre okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing shes going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...

You sigh in relief because its all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But then .... Wait a minute....

A picture is worth a thousand words....

[Hans Mulder]

oooh...that's gotta hurt...

[Howard]

There is a bit more than a year until the election, an election that will decide the next Prime Minister of Australia.
The person elected will be the Prime Minister of all Australians, not just the Coalition or Labor.
To show our solidarity as Australians, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.
It's time that we come together, Liberal/Nationals, and Labor/Green alike.
If you support the policies and character of the Liberal party, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Julia, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you, may God bless you, and God bless Australia.

[Bob Carriere]

.... is driving a CMP with only one headlight showing half a** support ...

Bob

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Lang

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing....

Youre okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing shes going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...

You sigh in relief because its all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But then .... Wait a minute....

A picture is worth a thousand words....

A friend of mine owns a Volvo and I pointed out the dangers of letting his wife go out with it.

His reply was: "that's why I never wash my car!!"

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

[aj.lec]

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Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and hadvarious bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.

The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.

And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."