Some Funnies

[lynx42]

Easo, No.15 was missing a few words. Should have had (see: Julia Gillard).

[Keith Webb]

Someone was saying Hitler was not so bad because he killed Hitler. Then someone else chimed in to remind the first person: "Yeah, but he also killed the guy who killed Hitler."

[Howard]

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

[Howard]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No, not really" I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer".

[Luke R]

Got this off another forum

[lynx42]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said, "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me
to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.


"Should I tell her the war is over?
_____

[lynx42]

I am very good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally
on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite
movie EVER!
DO NOT cheat and scroll down to the movies. Do YOUR math, THEN compare the
results to the list of movies at the bottom
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits
together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies
below:
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Top Gun
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Hang 'em High
9. The Gillard Farewell Speech of 2013
10. The Manchurian Candidate
11. The Pretender
12. Shrek
13. The War Wagon
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. The Sands Of Iwo Jima


Now, isn't that something?