Some Funnies

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.


They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
Merry Christmas

[Tony Smith]

DON'T WASH YOUR HAIR WITH SHAMPOO IN THE SHOWER

It is so good to finally get a health warning that is useful.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runsdown my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

'FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.'

No wonder I have been gaining weight!


Well, I have thrown out that shampoo, and I am going to start showering with Sunlight dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads:

'DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE'

Problem solved! If I don't answer your emails, I'll be in the shower!

[Howard]

Originally Posted by Tony Smith

... If I don't answer your emails, I'll be in the shower! ...

I hope you don't have the same problems as This bloke!

[Phil Waterman]

Hi All

This was just sent me for our club newsletter, wondering if we should include it as a club activity? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnqUyz3R4sA

Cheers Phil

[Little Jo]

A true blue bushie! Always tells the truth and states the obvious!
The Great Australian Drover


Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

[Howard]

So I go to the pharmacist. "A packet of condoms, please"
"Certainly, Sir. What size?"
"Erm... Small"
"Here you are Sir, that's $4 including tax"
"Don't worry about the tax, I'll tie 'em on with a bit of string"

[lynx42]

Rules for Kicking' Arse:

Rules for the Non-Military
Make sure you read #10

Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great country has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military...

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem- kick their arse.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the Australian Flag in protest - kick their arse.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make Australia great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their arse.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing dress uniforms or Jungle Fatigues (DPCUs), telling others that you used to be ‘SAS’. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your arse kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an arse-kicking (children are exempt).

6. Next time the Australian Flag passes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. This includes arrogant politicians who think someone may be offended. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe arse-kicking.

7. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*),'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your arse kicked.

8. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its arse kicked.

9. It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

AND
10.
ONE LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your arse kicked!

I sent this to you, Not because I didn't want to get my arse kicked BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME AND I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE OFFENDED AND ARE PROUD TO BE AN AUSTRALIAN AND WILL FORWARD THIS ALSO.

THANK YOU

WE LIVE IN THE LAND GIRT BY SEA, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE AND HONOURABLE!

IN GOD WE TRUST

If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

[sapper740]

Here's a joke making the rounds in the U.S.

Question:

What's the difference between Morsi and Obama?

Answer:

One is the corrupt, despotic leader of a crumbling nation, the other is the former president of Egypt.

;>)