Some Funnies

[hrpearce]

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

[gordon]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

I've been there, it's like that. Nice people tho'

[Richard Farrant]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

Thanks for that Robert, the last place I would wish to go for a motoring holiday

[Luke R]

JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny....


NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 Kms

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.



After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

... and very lucky! Sheesh....

[Hans Mulder]

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get towork on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded, areal credit to the company and, obviously, demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it and,finally, he called Charley into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-upjob, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good! You are a team player. That's what I like to hear. Yourcoming in late is odd, though. I know you're retired from the ArmedForces. What did they say when you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"