Some Funnies

[Howard]

So I go to the pharmacist. "A packet of condoms, please"
"Certainly, Sir. What size?"
"Erm... Small"
"Here you are Sir, that's $4 including tax"
"Don't worry about the tax, I'll tie 'em on with a bit of string"

[lynx42]

Rules for Kicking' Arse:

Rules for the Non-Military
Make sure you read #10

Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great country has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military...

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem- kick their arse.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the Australian Flag in protest - kick their arse.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make Australia great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their arse.

4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing dress uniforms or Jungle Fatigues (DPCUs), telling others that you used to be ‘SAS’. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your arse kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an arse-kicking (children are exempt).

6. Next time the Australian Flag passes by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. This includes arrogant politicians who think someone may be offended. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe arse-kicking.

7. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*),'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your arse kicked.

8. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its arse kicked.

9. It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

AND
10.
ONE LAST THING:
If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve to get your arse kicked!

I sent this to you, Not because I didn't want to get my arse kicked BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME AND I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE OFFENDED AND ARE PROUD TO BE AN AUSTRALIAN AND WILL FORWARD THIS ALSO.

THANK YOU

WE LIVE IN THE LAND GIRT BY SEA, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE AND HONOURABLE!

IN GOD WE TRUST

If you don't stand behind our troops, PLEASE feel free to stand in front of them!

[Keith Webb]

Photoshopped but still amusing.



From bits and pieces.

[RHClarke]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said “If you get in, I’ll give you a lollypop.” The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops.” She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!” Finally, the girl turned and said “Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford CMP, YOU ride in it!!!”

[Mike K]

> .Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
> As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
>
> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
>
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
>
> I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
>
> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
>
> And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
>
> As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
>
> Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
>

[Mike K]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!



The husband, being a normal man, replied,



"I am on the toilet, what should I do?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

[Howard]

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

[Howard]

A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.

[cliff]

Howard & Dianaa can I ask you not to make jokes about this situation please as I for one do not think this tragic situation is one for jokes!

[Howard]

Originally Posted by cliff

Howard & Dianaa can I ask you not to make jokes about this situation please as I for one do not think this tragic situation is one for jokes!

Sorry, Cliffy, Did not mean to offend anyone!
Please accept my apologies.
H

[Lynn Eades]

This is after all a thread of funnies. We don't all see things the same.
With all respect to you and the people that are the subject of these jokes, I think you need to let it all wash past you, and move on to the next one. Laughter is good for us, but it is usually at someones expense.
Smile my friend.

[Private_collector]

Some people have too much time on their hands!

While others are FAR too optomistic..........or stupid.

Oh dear!

Never too early to start training, I guess.

This is WRONG in so many ways

[Keith Webb]

Tony - perhaps your last post of funnies would be better posted to the funnies thread to prevent further bloating of this one.

[Private_collector]

Are you calling me fat?

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Private_collector

Are you calling me fat?

Ha ha.. never!

[Keith Webb]

How to catch a Canadian:



Source

[colin jones]

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your ****ing next !!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Man walks into Dymocks and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small penis's?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!!"

Colin.

[Phil Waterman]

Hi All

This just came up on another auto forum

http://i.minus.com/iR8GA7JUb1KZ5.gif

Cheers Phil

[Keith Webb]

Make sure you don't have a mouthful of coffee near your keyboard when you watch this. Hard to believe the same city to have produced the Beatles could also have this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8hmi...layer_embedded

[hrpearce]

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

[gordon]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

I've been there, it's like that. Nice people tho'

[Richard Farrant]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

Thanks for that Robert, the last place I would wish to go for a motoring holiday

[Luke R]

JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny....


NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PRFFERRPD HOURS:
1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 Kms

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.



After landing my new job as a Bunnings "Greeter" - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
"Good morning and welcome to Bunnings."
I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

... and very lucky! Sheesh....

[Hans Mulder]

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get towork on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded, areal credit to the company and, obviously, demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it and,finally, he called Charley into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-upjob, but your being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." "Well good! You are a team player. That's what I like to hear. Yourcoming in late is odd, though. I know you're retired from the ArmedForces. What did they say when you came in late there?" "They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

[sapper740]

Here's a joke making the rounds in the U.S.

Question:

What's the difference between Morsi and Obama?

Answer:

One is the corrupt, despotic leader of a crumbling nation, the other is the former president of Egypt.

;>)

[Howard]

I'm sure you northerners will enjoy this.
it wouldn't be too hard to Australianise it, either!
http://safeshare.tv/w/PKYPTOarUx
H

[Phil Waterman]

Originally Posted by Howard

I'm sure you northerners will enjoy this.
it wouldn't be too hard to Australianise it, either!
http://safeshare.tv/w/PKYPTOarUx
H

Great little video about Canadian vs American Beer sent in by and Australian.

Thanks Howard got a real chuckle out of that.


Cheers Phil

[Little Jo]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.

"Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."The entire congregation held its breath."I just want to tell my wife the word is Sternum."