Some Funnies

[motto (RIP)]

Got this in an email today.
The teacher asked the class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work the daddy did.
The children very excitedly scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.
'Tommy, why do you look so sad?' asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet and replied, 'My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar.' The other children remained silent as Tommy continued. 'Sometimes he doesn't come home and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes he sells his body for other men's pleasure.' There were gasps around the classroom.
The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders and asked, 'Is all that true, Tommy?'
'No, not at all, Miss. He really plays cricket for England but I was too embarrassed to say.'

[Little Jo]

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

Cheers

Tony

[Little Jo]

The Latrine Holding Tank Is Full
(Thule Greenland)

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes seven more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind for me?

Cheers

Tony

[colin jones]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.....

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time.'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Keith Webb]

Rush hour in Australia

[RHClarke]

Justified?

[oldlithgow]

[lynx42]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Rush hour in Australia

Meanwhile in Australia!!

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There is a shortage of parking areas.(or something.)

[Tony Wheeler]

President Calvin Coolidge

The 30th President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, was not nicknamed 'Silent Cal' for nothing. He was well known for being a man of few words. Whilst seated at a dinner party next to poet and satirist Dorothy Parker, Parker said to him,

"Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."

Coolidge replied, "You lose".

When Coolidge died in 1933, Dorothy Parker remarked, "How can they tell?"



Winston Churchill

Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."

Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."



Pope John XXIII

Wit and a sense of humour are not normally used to describe pontiffs. However, Pope John XXIII had a rich sense of humour and when a journalist asked,

"How many people work at the Vatican?"

The Pope replied, "About half".



Mahatma Gandhi

The leader of the Indian independence movement paid a visit to England in 1931. Whilst there, a reporter shouted out,

"What do you think of Western civilization?"

Gandhi instantly replied, "I think it would be a good idea".



Edna Ferber V Noel Coward

Playwright Noel Coward bumped in to his old friend novelist Edna Ferber who was wearing one of her tailored suits. Coward looked her over and said,

"Edna, you almost look like a man."

Ferber looked Coward over and said, "So do you"



Alfred Hitchcock

During the beginning of filming Alfred Hitchcock's drama film 'Lifeboat', actress Mary Anderson asked Hitchcock,

"What is my best side Mr Hitchcock?"

Hitchcock dryly responded, "You're sitting on it, my dear."