Some Funnies

[Howard]

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

[hrpearce]

Originally Posted by Howard

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

His funeral announcement was in the next local paper.

[motto (RIP)]

Looking in the mirror his wife exclaimed 'My boobs are sagging, my bottom's sagging, I've got love handles, my face is wrinkled and I've got a turkey neck. Tell me something nice'. To which he replied 'nothing wrong with your eye sight'.

David

[Howard]

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

[lynx42]

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box

[motto (RIP)]

Seeing the discussion in regards to petrol cookers reminded me of an old joke that some may not have heard before.
A not so sharp paratrooper was falling to earth with an unopened chute when he saw a soldier coming up toward him. As he got closer he yelled 'Know anything about parachutes?' As he went past the fellow yelled back. 'Nah! Know anything about petrol stoves?'

David

[lynx42]

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Jason,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Jason included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Jason.