Some Funnies

[lynx42]

Do you know why our Government is in the shape that it's in! How could anyone be this DUMB? I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just got to spread it around.

This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication of how much trouble our country is in.

A Canberra airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:

1. I had a politician Julie Bishop ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. I ask you, on an aeroplane?

2. I got a call from a Queensland politician (Katter) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to CapeTown . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,” I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Queensland”. Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cooktown is in Qld, Capetown is in Africa.” His response, silence.

3. Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, “don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

4. I got a call from a politician’s wife Landra Reid who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No” She said, “But they look so close on the map”.

5. Aide for a cabinet member Janet Napolitano once called and asked if she could rent a car in Sydney. I pulled up the reservation and noticed she had only a 1-hour layover in Sydney. When I asked her why she wanted to rent a car, she said, “I heard Sydney was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

6. Independent(Wilkie)called last week. He needed to know how it was possible that his flight from Sydney left at 8:30a.m., and got to Perth at 8:33a.m. I explained that Sydney was three hours ahead of Perth , but he couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told him the plane went really fast, and he bought that.

7. Former Federal Treasurer Joe Hockey called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said,”No, why do you ask?” He replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I think that's very rude.” After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. I was dying laughing. I came back and explained the city code for Fraser Island is (FAT - Fraser Air Terminal),the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. Senator Bronwyn Bishop a former Speaker of the House and a serial travel extravagant (at taxpayers’ expense) called to enquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”


9. I just got off the phone with a Labour politician, Peter Garrett who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.”

10. Peter Slipper, Queensland Snoozetician called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane.
He said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty.”

11. Mary Landrieu, Kevin Rudd's aide called and had a question about the documents she and her boss needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this, she said “Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express”

12. Former Prime Minister Julia Gillard called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said. “Are you sure that's the name of the town?”
“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied Ms Gillard. After some searching, I came back with, “I'm sorry, I've looked up every airport
code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
Julia said, “Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don't mean Buffalo, do you?” The reply, “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

[Darrell Zinck]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through”.

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”.

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get
through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to peroxide blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

[lynx42]

This oldy has just resurfaced, I reckon I heard it 55 years ago.

An Irish Mother’s Letter Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can’t read very fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in 7 days, up she comes. Your loving Mother, P.S. I was going to send you 5 pounds, but I have already sealed the envelope."

Regards Rick.

[lynx42]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan..