Some Funnies

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fuc*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

[cliff]

Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says: 'You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window.'

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says, 'What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!'

'No, no.. it's true...' said the first man, 'let me prove it to you.' He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man , who is astonished.

'Oh my God, I saw that with my own eyes! But that must have been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!'

'No, I'll prove it again,' says the first man as he jumps.

Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully convinces his dubious fellow drinker to try it. 'Well, what the hell,' the second guy says, 'I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!'

He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... . Then his body hits the sidewalk... .. Splat!!!!!

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and says.....

'You know, Superman, you're a real a**hole when you're drinking.'

[Ganmain Tony]

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
> I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
>
> I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
> was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
> coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought
> to myself, they've lost the plot!!
>
> I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
> check her balance, so I pushed her over.
>
> My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
> local pet shop and they were $100!!! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can
> get one cheaper off the web.
>
> Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
>
> Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
> "What's the matter?" I asked.
> "I've got the big C,"he said.
> "What, cancer?"
> "No, dyslexia."
>
> I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
> move.
>
> I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked up. The driver
> was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
> myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
>
> On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking
> doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our
> country?'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A paraprosdokian sentence consists of two parts where the first is a
figure of speech and the second an intriguing variation of the first.

They're used typically for humorous or dramatic effect.

- Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

- Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.

- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

- The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!

- Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


- I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

- Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

- There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

- You're never too old to learn something stupid.


- Sometimes my mind wanders and other times it goes away completely.

- Never complain about growing old, far too many people have been denied that privilege.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

This is for Keith..at least a fitting memory of JIF,s visit to OZ..I'm sure he had these moments,,..Maybe Keith could confirm...#15

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[gjamo]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

[Phil Waterman]

My Kids sent me this one and I thought others might enjoy.

[colin jones]

A tour bus driver was taking a number of pensioner's on a day trip when a little old lady handed the driver a handfull of peanuts. The driver accepted them with thanks and slowly ate them while driving. Ten minutes later, again she handed him another handfull which he gratefully received. Ten minutes later, another handfull and the driver said," if you keep giving me all you're peanut's, you won't have any for you're selves"! she replied," we can't eat them as we don't have any teeth too chew them with"! The driver was rather puzzled and said! "So why do you buy them them"
She replied, "We just like to suck the chocolate off."
Colin.

[Keith Webb]

This link was sent to me by my wife...

You need to scroll down to the user comments. I should warn that this is a bit on the 'off' side of humour.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk

[colin jones]

Keith, did you think perhaps she is trying to tell you that she does'nt like hairy coconuts. I would only worry if she sends you a link for "Anal Bleaching"
Colin.

[cliff]

Football Boots


Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick! You're in my cupboard now!!'

[Hanno Spoelstra]

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

.......and this is why the Chinese own us!

"Business is Business"

Note: In the same vein as in "Warning Objects May Be Larger Than They Appear" - this is a joke!

[Darrell Zinck]

CANBERRA: Wednesday 09 May 2012


A Royal Australian Air Force Pilot serving in the Defence Department narrowly escaped serious injury yesterday when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience.


After mounting his horse unassisted, the horse immediately began moving.


As it galloped along at a steady and rythmic pace, the Pilot, who has not been named, began to slip sideways in the saddle.


Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane, the Pilot could not get a firm grip.



He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse.



The horse continued on, seemingly oblivious to the slipping rider.



Finally, losing his grip, the rider attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.



However, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.



Moment's from unconsciousness and possible death, to his great fortune a Royal Australian Navy Chief Petty Officer (shopping nearby at K-Mart), saw his prediciment and quickly unplugged the ride.

regards
Darrell

[lynx42]

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.

But her mummy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
A man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'
She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,'
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mum.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's always with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.

You see, he was an Aussie soldier
And died, just this, past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
And taught, Australians to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose.


And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far.

Anon.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Pope and Stephen Harper are on the same stage in the Maple Leaf Gardens in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Harper and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Harper replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[cliff]

can anyone tell me so I can get the point of Alex's joke!!!!

[easo]

Enjoy, Easo

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In the Australian Defence Force, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:
1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: ‘This is the way we have always ridden dead horses.’
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse’s performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as ‘living-impaired.’
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Finally Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[Ganmain Tony]

Tough day at the office was it Easo?

Loved it, very good

[lynx42]

Easo, No.15 was missing a few words. Should have had (see: Julia Gillard).

[Keith Webb]

Someone was saying Hitler was not so bad because he killed Hitler. Then someone else chimed in to remind the first person: "Yeah, but he also killed the guy who killed Hitler."

[Private_collector]

wheelchair.jpg
Some people have too much time on their hands!
Careful!.jpg
While others are FAR too optomistic..........or stupid.
d_fukmi.jpg
Oh dear!
incoming.jpg
Never too early to start training, I guess.
tourdeass.jpg
This is WRONG in so many ways

[Keith Webb]

Tony - perhaps your last post of funnies would be better posted to the funnies thread to prevent further bloating of this one.

[Private_collector]

Are you calling me fat?

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Private_collector

Are you calling me fat?

Ha ha.. never!

[Keith Webb]

How to catch a Canadian:



Source

[Phil Waterman]

Hi All

This just came up on another auto forum

http://i.minus.com/iR8GA7JUb1KZ5.gif

Cheers Phil

[Keith Webb]

Make sure you don't have a mouthful of coffee near your keyboard when you watch this. Hard to believe the same city to have produced the Beatles could also have this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8hmi...layer_embedded

[hrpearce]

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

[gordon]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

I've been there, it's like that. Nice people tho'

[Richard Farrant]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Russian pedestrians are tough people.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1...l=0&showinfo=0

Thanks for that Robert, the last place I would wish to go for a motoring holiday