Some Funnies

[lynx42]

A true story from Associated Press.


Anyone want to take a shot at the odds of this ever happening again?

For those who have served on a jury, this one is something to think about.
Just when you think you have heard everything!
Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would
attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science (AAFS),
President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped
from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a
note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window,
which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware
that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to
protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able
to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was
threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the
trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the
window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old
man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr.
Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been
accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the
son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,
loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder
even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He
had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to
engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story
building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through
the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

[Bill Murray]

This popped up on one of my automotive sites today.
Quite entertaining but NSFW.

Bill


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKef1JFpiCA

[lynx42]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ-8xj8CUZw

[Little Jo]

Hi All

Here is one for our Scottish members.

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on
to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee
wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat
on, lassie."


'She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice. Are you
taking me tae the pub with you?"


'Nay," Jock replied
"I'm turning the heater off while I'm oot.'

Cheers

Tony

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Bill Murray

This popped up on one of my automotive sites today.
Quite entertaining but NSFW.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKef1JFpiCA

Very funny! Did you know they were already planning and scheming this from the beginning?

image.jpg

[lynx42]

Want a god laugh? Look at this ebay for sale advert and read the questions and answers at the bottom of the advert. Look at the price too. Some people are not understanding the humour.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Barn-find-ki...-/182183637723


NEW BARN FIND KIT

Add thousands to your classic cars value! Sometimes when your selling a car you need to put in some elbow grease and really present it in the best way to attract buyers and capitalize on your investment.

This amazing product is guaranteed to work on all makes and models. (*note offer not valid for JD Camira, 1st Generation Hyundai Excel, Saab 9000 turbo and AU series 1 Falcon Forte, face it your not getting your money back when you sell any of those).

Put that bucket and sponge away, what we have here is your ticket to financial freedom.

[Darrell Zinck]

Hi

A coupla good ones:

regards
Darrell

[lynx42]

TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
(You're going to love this................................)
.
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'

[lynx42]

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.

One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC.

Regards Rick.

[Garry Shipton (RIP)]

Imagine,it took a week to remember this one told by my friend Bob Murphy,ex Black Watch,who showed up,as a surprise,from Newfoundland-and I quote

"A little Newfie is sitting at the bar at Happy Hour,minding his own business,sipping his drink,when in walks a big burly yank,who as he passes him,gives him a chop to the left side of his neck,The Newfie hits the floor.The big yank looks down and says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."The little newfie picks himself up and sits on his stool.The big burly yank decides to go to the bathroom,and,as he passes,gives the newfie the chop to the right side of his neck.AS he picks himself up the yank says,"That's a judo chop from Japan.While he's away,the little newfie leaves.About a half hour later,all of a sudden,the big yank goes down off his bar stool.AS he leaves the little newfie pauses at the bar and says to the bartender,"Bay Jesus bay,when the lad comes too,just tell him that was a crowbar from f--kin Canadian Tire."

dammit Garry bay .... I jest wet me wee bittie drawers and so did the The Old Incontinant Sunray reading this!!! LMAOPMPROF

[gordon]

http://people.clemson.edu/~camann/hornguy.wmv

Originally posted by Vets Dottir
MASTER KEITH ... SUNRAY has promised to feed me SPAM AND EGGS for supper tonght ... I'll tell you all about the experience afterwards

Promises, promises : I'm still waiting for this SPAM AND EGGS meal! Perhaps today?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally posted by Garry Shipton
Imagine,it took a week to remember this one told by my friend Bob Murphy,ex Black Watch,who showed up,as a surprise,from Newfoundland-and I quote

"A little Newfie is sitting at the bar at Happy Hour,minding his own business,sipping his drink,when in walks a big burly yank,who as he passes him,gives him a chop to the left side of his neck,The Newfie hits the floor.The big yank looks down and says,"That's a karate chop from Korea."The little newfie picks himself up and sits on his stool.The big burly yank decides to go to the bathroom,and,as he passes,gives the newfie the chop to the right side of his neck.AS he picks himself up the yank says,"That's a judo chop from Japan.While he's away,the little newfie leaves.About a half hour later,all of a sudden,the big yank goes down off his bar stool.AS he leaves the little newfie pauses at the bar and says to the bartender,"Bay Jesus bay,when the lad comes too,just tell him that was a crowbar from f--kin Canadian Tire."

Garry
That reminds me ...

Double Decker
Two bowling teams, one of all Newfies and one of all Nova
Scotians chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling
tournament in Moncton.
The NS team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Newfie
team rode on the top level.
The NS team down below really whooped it up, having a great
time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything
from the Newfies upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate. When she reached the
top, she found all
the Newfies frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the
road clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The Nova Scotian asked, "What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Newfies
looked up at
her, swallowed hard and whispered,
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."

[Garry Shipton (RIP)]

Al,going to a 50th birthday tonite at Winston Churchill Pub for my wife's sister.My sister-in -law from Scarborough Ont will be there.By the way,she's a NEWFIE!!!!!

[Jon Skagfeld]

The bar is empty except for an Oriental and Jew.

They both have evil in their hearts, and glare angrily at each other.

Suddenly, the Jew springs to his feet, rushes to the Oriental's table and hammers him a good one.

The dazed Oriental asks, as he picks himself off the floor...

"What the Hell was that all about?"

The Jew answers, "That was for the Korean War."

The Oriental says "But why hit me?...I'm Japanese"

The Jew mutters, "Aw, all you slitty eyed buggers are all the same to me."

Time passes. Each extra shot of booze fuels the Oriental's passion, until...

Up he leaps, dashes to the Jew's table and, with a "Hai Kai", smashes the Jew in the face.

The dazed Jew asks, as he picks himself off the floor...

"What the Hell was that all about?"

The Oriental answers, "That was for the Titanic".

Confused, the Jew says "But the Titanic hit an iceberg".

To which the Oriental says..."Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg...all you guys are the same to me".

[Garry Shipton (RIP)]

Originally posted by Garry Shipton
Al,going to a 50th birthday tonite at Winston Churchill Pub for my wife's sister.My sister-in -law from Scarborough Ont will be there.By the way,she's a NEWFIE!!!!!

Way to go Al.Told the sister-in law from Scarborough the joke.Now she's pi--ed off.She's demanding to know WHY there was no driver on the upper deck of the doubledecker.I was into my 5th Molson Dry,didn't have the heart to explain it to her.

Originally posted by Jon Skagfeld
The bar is empty except for an Oriental and Jew.

They both have evil in their hearts, and glare angrily at each other.

Suddenly, the Jew springs to his feet, rushes to the Oriental's table and hammers him a good one.

The dazed Oriental asks, as he picks himself off the floor...

"What the Hell was that all about?"

The Jew answers, "That was for the Korean War."

The Oriental says "But why hit me?...I'm Japanese"

The Jew mutters, "Aw, all you slitty eyed buggers are all the same to me."

Time passes. Each extra shot of booze fuels the Oriental's passion, until...

Up he leaps, dashes to the Jew's table and, with a "Hai Kai", smashes the Jew in the face.

The dazed Jew asks, as he picks himself off the floor...

"What the Hell was that all about?"

The Oriental answers, "That was for the Titanic".

Confused, the Jew says "But the Titanic hit an iceberg".

To which the Oriental says..."Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg...all you guys are the same to me".

Still in fine form, you are, Master Skagfeld!

K.

[Howard]

This one was just emaild to me...
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went & worked on his Blitz.

(OK so I changed it a bit...)

BTW, 12 months yesterday since joining the MLU. My boss would like to thank the MLU community for the drop in productivity over the last year or so.

[Howard]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt
them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it
feels like when I'm driving."

Originally posted by Howard
BTW, 12 months yesterday since joining the MLU. My boss would like to thank the MLU community for the drop in productivity over the last year or so.

Happy 1st anniversary ... and tell your boss I said "You're Welcome"

[Tony Smith]

Two cars were in a bad accident on a lonely country road. A man crawls out of one mangled wreck, while a beautiful woman gets out of the other.
The Man says: "Crap look at the cars! They're write offs!"
The Woman says (while tousling her hair): "Yes, but we're completely unhurt. What a thrill, I feel so alive and aroused! It must be a sign that we were destined to meet, perhaps to fall in love and live happily ever after".
Man: "I never thought about it like that. How lucky are we then?"
Woman: "And look! Even though our cars are nothing but mangled wrecks, this bottle of whiskey has survived unbroken. Another good sign, we should toast our happy future together."
She pours him some a large glass, and he says "Cheers!" and gulps it down.
Man: "Aren't you going to toast our happy future together?"
Woman:" No, thanks. I'll wait until the Police arrive."

[Barry Churcher]

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The
guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer.
The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the
Gestapo. So, the officer calmly tells him of the red light
violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning
the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit
terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride,
figuring "battleship mouth and rowboat ass".

The tirade goes on with the cop saying nothing. When he finishes
writing the citation he puts an AH in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator
for his signature.

Angrily, the guy signs the citation, tearing the paper and, when
presented his copy, points to the AH and demands to know
its meaning. The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses,
gets in the guy's face and says, "That's so when we go to court
I'll remember you're an asshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The defendant has such a
bad record he is about to lose his license, and has hired an
attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to
seeing the man run the red light. Under cross-examination, the
defense attorney questions him:

Q Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you
issued my client?

A Yes, sir. This is the defendant's copy; his signature and
mine; same number at the top.

Q Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
citation you don't normally make?

A Yes, sir. In the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an AH, underlined.

Q What does the AH stand for, Officer?"

A Aggressive and hostile, sir.

Q Aggressive and hostile?

A Yes, sir.

Q Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?

A Well, sir, you know your client better than I do

[Darrell Zinck]

Two fish are in a tank...........................


............................one looks at the other and says, "How do you start this thing?".


regards
Darrell

[Howard]

Two elephants walked over a cliff...
Boom Boom.

[Howard]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff..."
"And before he could say 'F**k!' the rottweiler got him!"

[Ozzie John & Fiona]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some week ago for being smart and funny , while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers, suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way into the desk . He slapped his ticket down onto the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS"
The attendent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these paople first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM" Withont hesitating, the attended smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please , may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughtout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS, If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14."
With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendent, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

[Howard]

Fun with Google

[Howard]

Almost sounds like a true story...

A United States Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally posted by Howard
Almost sounds like a true story...

A United States Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

Howard..
To embelish your theme...


Terror Alert


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides.

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.