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  #1  
Old 26-06-08, 14:07
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Location: Ottawa ,Canada
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Wink Gotta like it..

DATING IN 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with h e r saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

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  #2  
Old 30-06-08, 13:04
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hrpearce hrpearce is offline
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Posts: 1,958
Smile

The latest development in brest implants is to incorporate Ipod's into them costing between $400 and $800 depending on cup size and speaker selection. This should stop women complaining that men just stare at their brests and don't listen to them.
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  #3  
Old 01-07-08, 11:20
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aj.lec aj.lec is offline
Andrew
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: N.S.W AUSTRALIA
Posts: 1,623
Default Qantas Aircraft engineers

In case you need a laugh:
>>>>> Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
>>>> school certificate to fix one.
>>>>>
>>>>> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe
>>>> Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
>>>>> The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
>>>> form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
>>>>>
>>>>> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
>>>>> Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
>>>> pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
>>>>> recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>>>>>
>>>>> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
>>>> an accident.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>>>>> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>>>>>

FAVORITES
>>>>> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>>>>> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Something loose in cockpit.
>>>>> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>>>>> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>>>> descent.
>>>>> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>>>>> S: Evidence removed.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>>>>> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>>>>> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>>> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>>>>> S: Suspect you're right.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>>>>> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Aircraft handles funny
>>>>> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Target radar hums.
>>>>> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Mouse in cockpit.
>>>>> S: Cat installed.
>>>>>
>>>>> And the best one for last..................
>>>>> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
>>>> pounding on something with a hammer.
>>>>> S: Took hammer away from midget.
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  #4  
Old 01-07-08, 13:55
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
"Mr. Manual", sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ottawa ,Canada
Posts: 2,916
Wink Canada Day Jokes...

Canada Day jokes ..

Good..

A Saskatchewan police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old
boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR
TRAP AHEAD' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)



BETTER:


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Edmonton, AB.A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo of handcuffs.



BEST:


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan RCMP
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

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  #5  
Old 01-07-08, 21:58
Rob Beale Rob Beale is offline
C8AX Ambulance (NZ), UC1*
 
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Location: Gisborne, New Zealand
Posts: 388
Default The Pope's visit

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean
for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach at Whanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.

As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up alongside with two men wearing All Black jerseys. Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who the hell was that, bro?' 'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.' 'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know bugger all about shark fishing .........

Is the bait holding up okay bro, or do we need to get another Aussie?

Rob
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  #6  
Old 04-07-08, 10:31
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hrpearce hrpearce is offline
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Talking

Sent to me in Eail.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg !cid_001d01c8d82c$b630c7f0$0205a8c0@Kent.jpg (84.8 KB, 102 views)
File Type: jpg !cid_001e01c8d82c$b630c7f0$0205a8c0@Kent.jpg (39.3 KB, 98 views)
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  #7  
Old 04-07-08, 16:34
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
"Mr. Manual", sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ottawa ,Canada
Posts: 2,916
Wink True Ontarians...

THE RULES OF RURAL ONTARIO ARE AS FOLLOWS

Listen up City Slickers !

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 21/26 goes east and west, Hwy 6/10 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in Rural Ontario waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat biscuits & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. OHL and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Leafs and Habs, and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17.. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges, They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Canadian Forces. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. 2 inches of ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and Tractors with Snow Blowers will have you out the next day.
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  #8  
Old 04-07-08, 19:39
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)'s Avatar
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
former OC MLU, AKA 'Jif' - sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,400
Default

Shucks Alex, ya brought a tear to me eye...
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  #9  
Old 04-07-08, 20:19
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Location: Ottawa ,Canada
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball View Post
Shucks Alex, ya brought a tear to me eye...
Thanks Jif..happy fourth to you...Thought you would like these..By the way..Read rule 1 and apply..
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  #10  
Old 09-07-08, 21:06
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Darrell Zinck Darrell Zinck is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Brunswick
Posts: 867
Default

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key
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  #11  
Old 09-07-08, 22:13
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)'s Avatar
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
former OC MLU, AKA 'Jif' - sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 5,400
Default

Gee Darrell, sounds like some of the Armour types I know...
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  #12  
Old 10-07-08, 03:45
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Darrell Zinck Darrell Zinck is offline
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Location: New Brunswick
Posts: 867
Default

Hiya Geoff

Jeez, now you're just giving dogs a bad name!!!

regards
Darrell
("I say, Driver, could you turn the turret air-conditioning down a touch? There's a odd looking dust covered chap outside who apparently is trying to tell me something!!")

Last edited by Darrell Zinck; 10-07-08 at 03:50.
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  #13  
Old 20-07-08, 21:31
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
"Mr. Manual", sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ottawa ,Canada
Posts: 2,916
Wink Mess Dress....

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They
took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question
him.Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why
do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red
material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that
the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are
shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't
panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

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  #14  
Old 25-07-08, 04:47
Reginald Hoey Reginald Hoey is offline
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Posts: 2
Smile My Try

One for the New Zillinders...
How they make Vodka
Reg.
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  #15  
Old 26-07-08, 20:19
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Ken Hughes Ken Hughes is offline
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Location: Dunedin New Zealand
Posts: 374
Thumbs up

Ha Ha Ha,a bloody good one Reg.
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  #16  
Old 30-07-08, 13:08
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Howard Howard is offline
"Sid and Errol's Dad"
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ganmain, Australia
Posts: 1,438
Exclamation Groan...

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.' !
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pe p e when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe.. Go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis MI amigo... What ees it?
'Pepe.. . Ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees


Eees a Ham Bush.
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F15 #12
F15A #13 (stretched)
F60S #13
C15A #13 Wireless (incomplete)
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  #17  
Old 07-09-08, 14:21
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
"Mr. Manual", sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ottawa ,Canada
Posts: 2,916
Default Irish power....

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Strewth" says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'

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  #18  
Old 16-09-08, 10:55
Sally Ann Sally Ann is offline
She Who Must Be Obeyed
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Gaspesie, QC
Posts: 28
Default

The Four Cats



Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'


CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies.......


drank the milk......


sh*t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......


put in for Workers Compensation............... and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............




AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

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  #19  
Old 17-09-08, 03:18
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
"Mr. Manual", sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ottawa ,Canada
Posts: 2,916
Wink Perfect Husband..

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '£290,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back
on the market. They're asking £2,950,000' for it.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a
pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

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  #20  
Old 17-09-08, 17:03
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Hanno Spoelstra Hanno Spoelstra is offline
MLU Administrator
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 14,868
Default

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift.

That's why they call it 'present'
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  #21  
Old 10-02-09, 18:41
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
"Mr. Manual", sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ottawa ,Canada
Posts: 2,916
Default Women Drivers...

Just posted on the News net..
She was probably on the donut run ...

OPP officer charged

ORILLIA, ON, Feb. 10 /CNW/ - The Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) has
charged a member of the OPP for driving a police vehicle while on duty in
excess of the posted speed limit.
On January 31, 2009 Brant County OPP stopped the unmarked OPP vehicle on
Highway 403 for driving 165 km/hour in a posted 100 km/hour zone. The
subsequent investigation found that the officer was not within the lawful
execution of her duties at the time.
Detective Constable Heidi Fischer was charged with Driving 50 km/hour or
more over the posted speed limit, contrary to Section 172 of the Highway
Traffic Act.
The officer's driver's licence was suspended for the required 7 days and
the OPP unmarked vehicle was impounded for 7 days.
Detective Constable Fischer is a 4 year member of the OPP posted to
Provincial Operations Intelligence Bureau at General Headquarters in Orillia
and will appear in Provincial Offences Court in Brantford on March 24, 2009.




For further information: Inspector Dave Ross, Deputy Director, Corporate
Communications Bureau, Phone: (705) 329-6874
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  #22  
Old 10-02-09, 22:01
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gjamo gjamo is offline
Graeme Jamieson
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Williamstown Vic Australia
Posts: 599
Default Times like this we need a chuckle

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
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  #23  
Old 13-02-09, 20:24
Keith Webb's Avatar
Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
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Default And for the Obama fans, from Stupid videos dot com

Obama beat box.

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/ju...bama_Beat_Box/

Before watching make sure you don't have a mouthful of coffee near your computer.
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  #24  
Old 13-02-09, 20:53
Col Tigwell Col Tigwell is offline
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Default Only a jewish mother

Took her little tacker to the beach.

There is all dressed up in his new sailor suit, paddling around at the edge of the water.

Suddenly a big wave comes in and sweeps him out to sea.

Mother jumps to her feet, looks up to the sky and says "please lord help me".

Another big wave comes in, a deposits a very crumbled boy at her feet.

Mother looks up to the sky again and says "he had a hat on when he left".

Regards

Col
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  #25  
Old 14-02-09, 16:26
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)'s Avatar
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
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Default

NSFW but funny as hell!

http://www.theonion.com/content/vide...tupid_piece_of
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  #26  
Old 15-02-09, 20:36
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Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
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Default I've never seen it but...

I've heard there is a little bad language on The Sopranos

Somebody had a LOT of spare time on their hands.

Loved the Sony one Jiff!
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42 FGT No8 (Aust) remains
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  #27  
Old 15-02-09, 20:44
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Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
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Default Sopranos

I managed to get about this far through..
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Picture 5.jpg (24.2 KB, 110 views)
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42 FGT No8 (Aust) remains
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  #28  
Old 02-03-09, 22:39
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)'s Avatar
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
former OC MLU, AKA 'Jif' - sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
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Default Canadian Driving Habits

98% of Canadians say "OH SHIT!" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say,

"HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"
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  #29  
Old 03-03-09, 09:12
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Tony Smith Tony Smith is offline
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Location: Lithgow, NSW, Australia
Posts: 5,042
Default

With the Global Financial Crisis causing failures in the Financial sector, Banks around the World were approaching their Governments for assistance and handouts. The Australian Government offered help for smaller banks wishing to merge and amalgamate to improve their resistance to collapse.

Thinking this was a good way to pick up some quick cash, the CEOs of the Sperm Bank and the Red Cross Bank go to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and ask for $50mil in assistance.

He replies: "You're joking, aren't you? You 2 are a pair of Bloody Wankers!"
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  #30  
Old 07-03-09, 11:16
Keith Webb's Avatar
Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
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Default Beatles Penny Lane literal version

Penny Lane

There's also a Strawberry Fields one.
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