Some Funnies

[Darrell Zinck]

AWOL Private Returns After Seven Years With Box Of Grid Squares

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Pvt. Steven Gerner disappeared seven years ago, officially listed as AWOL. His family, friends and Army buddies all assumed he’d had an accident or lost his nerve and no one ever expected to see him again. He returned yesterday, only to find himself arrested by Military Police. What happened in between is a tale too implausible to be disbelieved.

Pvt. Gerner joined the Army in 2004 out of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona. He reached his first assignment, to the infantry, in 2005, eager to please and wanting to belong.

“Well, it was my first day, and I guess I was pretty nervous and not really sure of what to do,” said Gerner. “Before I had even reported in to the first sergeant, a sergeant, and two specialists walked up to me. Of course, I did what I was trained to do, and immediately snapped to the position of parade rest and gave them all the greeting of the day.”


He continued: “After that, they started laughing and talking among themselves about ‘this gay-ass slick-sleeve saying good morning,’ whoever that was. Before I knew it, the Sergeant was in my face and told me to find a box of grid squares. I tried to explain I didn’t know where to find that! Hell, I didn’t even know where the unit supply office was, but he didn’t relent.”

Soldiers new to units often become the subject to pranks that are as old as the Army itself. Often, these pranks involve seasoned soldiers sending the new Private on a quest for objects that don’t exist. Chem light batteries, exhaust samples, frequency grease, and muzzle blast have been sought after by well-intended, yet unaware, junior soldiers.

Former Sgt. Zachary Willburn, who sent Gerner to find the box of grid squares, took a break from “smoking flavored tobacco” to speak with Duffel Blog by phone from his home in Boulder, Colo..

“Yeah, Gerner. That guy went AWOL his first day after I told him to get some grid squares. I’ve never seen someone take off so fast. Me and the other guys had a pretty big laugh, but, uh, we kinda expected him to come back a few minutes later. I never saw him again after that,” said Willburn. “After a few days, they officially marked him as AWOL. We all though he deserted because we were heading to Iraq in a month.”

Gerner claims to have found the elusive box of grid squares in a remote region in the Himalayan Mountains. “At first, I spent about a year traveling across the United States, Canada, and then South America. After I couldn’t find it in Colombia, I almost gave up hope–you can find anything in Colombia. That’s when I caught a flight to the Middle East. I figured, it’s the cradle of civilization; if this exists, it has to be there.”

When asked how he was able to afford the airline tickets, Gerner explained, “Apparently when they marked me AWOL they never stopped my pay, so I just used what I had at the time to move around. I also got tax free pay and combat pay while my unit was in Iraq for 18 months. I filled out travel vouchers through the Defense Travel System over the course of the last seven years, but I still haven’t seen any of that money.”

While he ultimately found the mystical box, Gerner relates some dark times during his journey. “Once, I was making my way across Iraq and ran into a pretty crazy firefight. The other soldiers were screaming at me, telling me to ‘get inside the wire,’ whatever that means, but I told them I had to go find a box of grid-squares or my Sergeant was going to kill me. They all started laughing until some stuff started falling out of the sky and blowing up, I think they might have been the air-launched improvised explosive devices that I heard about at Basic Training.”

Gerner’s quest had a happy ending, after one final twist.

The official report released from Gerner’s unit states that he returned to his unit Friday morning with an odd-shaped box, after being marked AWOL seven years ago to the day. The current company commander, Capt. Gregory Schwarz, was stunned.

“Private Gerner was arrested for desertion, but the interviewing JAG officer released him as soon as he heard his story. He won’t be receiving Non-Judicial Punishment, or a Court-martial for being AWOL, as it has been found he was simply following orders. Truthfully, he was officially separated from the Army after his six year contract was up.”

Schwarz elaborated, “In light of his actions, a review board has found in his favor and will be upgrading his Dishonorable Discharge to an Honorable Discharge. He has also been awarded the Iraq campaign medal with two stars, the Global War on Terrorism Expeditionary medal, and the Afghanistan Campaign medal with one star, as we found in our investigation he traveled through all of these areas while looking for this box.”

“Gerner was also awarded four Army Commendation Medals due to his unit being deployed four times during his 7 year journey,” he added.

Gerner’s mother was ecstatic at the news of her son’s return.

“I’m so proud of my baby boy. We were so worried while he was gone. I guess I’ve always kind of known my son was destined for great things, ever since that large black recruiter with the sunglasses on told me when he was just a child, ‘he’s the One.’ I didn’t know what he meant at the time, but now it’s all so clear.”

His recruiter, Sgt. First Class Stokes, recounted of his meeting with the then 18 year old shortly before he signed his papers, sealing his fate. “He asked me about Iraq. I said, ‘unfortunately, no one can be told what Iraq is. You have to see it for yourself.'”

Even though his journey was harrowing at times, Gerner expresses nothing but fond memories of his time in the Army, especially when he searched in Tahiti for three years.

https://www.duffelblog.com/2013/01/a...-grid-squares/



regards
Darrell

[lynx42]

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at
6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong
play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[lynx42]

Two Aussies were out hunting in the Outback, and suddenly came across a huge hole in the ground. They were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole! I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old Blitz gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

So they picked up the Blitz gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted to three and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They stared at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old stockman sauntered up. "You blokes didn't happen to see my goat, by any chance?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred kilometres an hour and jumped head first into this hole!"

The old stockman said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old blitz gear box! . . ."

[lynx42]

Two Aussies were out hunting in the Outback, and suddenly came across a huge hole in the ground. They were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole! I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old Ford Blitz gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

So they picked up the Ford Blitz gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted to three and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They stared at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old stockman sauntered up. "You blokes didn't happen to see my goat, by any chance?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred kilometres an hour and jumped head first into this hole!"

The old stockman said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old Ford Blitz gear box! . . ."

[colin jones]

Paddy and Murphy fancied a pint but only had 1 pound between them. Paddy went off and bought a sausage and Murphy says "are you mad" now we're skint! Come on says Paddy, follow me. They go into a pub, order two pints and drink them before they have to pay. Paddy shoved the sausage through the zipper of his trousers and tells Murphy to get down and suck it.
The Barman went absolutely berserk and throws them out then after ten more pubs and ten more pints Murphy says.. "I can't do this anymore, my knees hurt and i'm pissed.
How do you think I feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.!!

[Tony Smith]

A beautiful woman walks into a bar. She saunters up to a man who is sitting by himself in the corner.

The man is taken aback by the fact that such a stunning woman is approaching him. She sits down next to him and whispers to the man: “For $200, I’ll do anything you want.”

The man raises his eyebrows, saying: “Anything?”

“Anything.” She nods.

The man slides his hand into his wallet and pulls out $200 cash. He slams it on the table and says to the woman, “Here. Rebuild the engine in my CMP.”

[Richard Farrant]

Originally Posted by Tony Smith

A beautiful woman walks into a bar. She saunters up to a man who is sitting by himself in the corner.

The man is taken aback by the fact that such a stunning woman is approaching him. She sits down next to him and whispers to the man: “For $200, I’ll do anything you want.”

The man raises his eyebrows, saying: “Anything?”

“Anything.” She nods.

The man slides his hand into his wallet and pulls out $200 cash. He slams it on the table and says to the woman, “Here. Rebuild the engine in my CMP.”

and did she ???

[lynx42]

Should the U.S. Build Trump’s Mexican Wall?

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it,

But the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenteritis’ had sort of a gut feeling about it,

But the Neurologists thought Trump had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception,

While the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"

While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,

While the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing

And the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,

But the Urologists were off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,

And those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington!