Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

Discovered by my wife on one of her fora.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .... . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs; I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[aj.lec]

Subject: The Lithgow Cow



>
> The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people
> did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200.
>
> They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced
> lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided
> to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They
> would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the
> bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever
> the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what
> approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could
> not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the
> Vet, who was very
> wise, what to do.
>
> They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our
> cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
> When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. An attempt from the
> side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a
> minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?"
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
> bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we
> got the cow in Lithgow?"
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Lithgow"
>

[Tony Smith]

The Pope came to Australia for World Youth Day.

After visiting the small town of Dubbo for a large outdoor Mass, he was in high spirits. He said to his personal driver: "What a marvellous day this has been. The Mass was well attended, my sermon went down very well and it's such a lovely day for a Sunday Drive. Give me the keys and let ME drive for a change."
"But your Holiness, I can't do that! I'd lose my job and couldn't bear the guilt if anything went wrong!"
"Nonsense, what could go wrong out here? There's no-one around for miles, and I really feel like a drive. It's been years since I had the pleasure of a drive in the country."
"But your Holiness", said the Driver "If you haven't driven for years, do you still have a licence?"
"Look, I haven't forgotton how to drive, and these big wide, straight country roads wouldn't present a problem even for Me! For Heaven's sake, give me the keys!"
The Driver looked up the road, then looked down the road. There didn't seem to be any traffic about, and the roads were wide and flat. What could go wrong? And besides could he really deny the Holy Father?
"OK Father, but please promise me you'll be careful."

The Pope grabbed the keys with glee and leapt in the front, while the Driver reluctantly got in the back. The Pope gently pulled away, fussing about with the mirrors and controls. "Yes, yes, it's all coming back to me now! What fun! As his confidence grew, his speed slowly crept up and up, until the Driver cried in alarm from the back seat "Holy Father! Have mercy! Please slow down, your doing over 140!" The Pope just grinned and said: "Yes, isn't she a beauty, my son? Whoo-hoo!"

At that point, the Pope noticed a Police Patrol car pull out from behind a billboard with it's lights flashing. The Driver wailed "That's it! I knew this would happen. You aren't even licensed, and now you'll get done for speeding! Oh, Mea Culpa, what will happen to me?" The Pope said "Just quit your whinging. Raise the privacy screen and don't say a word. I'll be able to talk the Officer out of giving me a ticket."

After the Pope pulled over, the Policeman sauntered up to the window of the Limo and said " Driver, you were recorded travelling at a speed in excess of ..... OH MY GOD! IT"S YOU!!" In the back, he could see a shadowy figure clutching some Rosary Beads and genuflecting like crazy, while rapidly muttering a prayer. He hurried back to his patrol car and got on the radio. "Hey Sarge, it's Wilson. I've got a situation here and don't know what to do. I've pulled over a driver for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."
"Why not, Wilson? Just issue the fine."
"But Sarge, it's someone really important!"
"Who, the Mayor?"
"Nope, bigger!
"Who, the Police Commisioner?"
"Nope, bigger."
"The Prime Minister?"
"No, the Big One. I think I've pulled over God, because He's got the bloody Pope as his chauffeur!

[aj.lec]

sorry about that tony I forgot you were down that way .My nephew sent it to me and he lived in lithgow for a While
I doubt if the dubbo police would recognise the pope or care either way .They are pretty savage and would book him anyway

one for the Canadians -if you know this bloke its probably a good idea to avoid him on the road

Subject: Alberta Driver

Must of been a green light that kept him/her going, i think!!
Now here's one tough Dodge truck. This happened in Vernon , B.C

The driver hit the left turn light at 48th Ave. And 27th St. shearing it off at the base, and then kept driving on about 2 km to Squires Four Pub.

Where he stopped for more beer!! How pissed do you have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a lamp standard?

(Notice that there is an Alberta plate on the truck. No one said anything about a smart driver.)

The truck was towed about 2.5 km, with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and bent bumper,

To the Vernon Towing yard, where it took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the pole free.

[aj.lec]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish

you were married, or wish you weren't married, this

is something to smile about the next time you see a

bottle of wine:


Sam was driving home from one of his business

trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly

Navajo man walking on the side of the road.


As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped

the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.



With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.



Resuming the journey, Sam tried in vain to make

a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old

man just sat silently, looking intently at

everything he saw, studying every little detail,

until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sam.



'What in bag?' asked the old man.



Sam looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's

a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'


The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.


Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:


'Good trade.'