Some Funnies

[gjamo]

ROTFL
A classic Alex but you just know he is gunna get even.
Graeme

[Keith Webb]

A no-armed man named Alexei Blairski goes into a church and asks if he can get a job there. The man he talks to says, "The only job we have is the person who tells our bell ringer when to ring the bell every hour." Alexei Blairski accepts the job.
The next day on his first day of work, he tries to find the man to tell him it's two o'clock. When he cannot find the man, he panics and rings the bell by banging his forehead against it. Only afterward does he realize that the man he was looking for was on the other side of the bell tower. Unfortunately, the man is so surprised, he falls off the tower and onto the street below.
By some miracle, he survives. After pushing his way through a crowd that had gathered around the man, the town mayor comes to the man and asks: "Who did this to you?" The man responds, "I don't remember his name, but his face rings a bell."

Now as extra punishment read these 6 times out loud:

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
Skip it.

Did you hear the joke about the airplane?
It's way over your head.

Did you hear the joke about the river?
It's water under the bridge.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because his mum threw a fridge at him.

Have you heard they have proven that plants can communicate feelings? It can't speak, but when you squash a grape it gives a little wine.

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Interrupting cow.
-Interrupting cow wh--?
-MOOO!

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Orange.
-Orange who?
-Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Hanno..

here is a defense the next time the fuzz stops you..tell them you are too big to fit in their puny little cells..LOL

Dutch lawyer: 'giant' client too big for jail
AP


By TOBY STERLING, Associated Press Toby Sterling, Associated Press – Fri Jan 28, 8:15 am ET

AMSTERDAM – A Dutch lawyer is attempting to get his client out of jail with an unusual argument: he's too tall and fat for his cell.

"He is a giant of a man, there's no way you cannot realize that as soon as you see him," said Bas Martens in a telephone interview Friday.

Martens said his client, 2.07 meters (about 6 feet 10 inches) tall and weighing 230 kilograms (500 pounds), is in a 10 square meter (12 sq. yard) cell.

The prisoner, identified under Dutch privacy laws as Angelo M., began serving an 18-month sentence for financial fraud in September.

Martens sought a court order at a hearing Thursday for Angelo to serve out his sentence under electronically monitored house arrest.

He said the prison facilities — Angelo's bed and the low toilet in his cell — are too small and so painful that his conditions violate European human rights law.

"He's not trying to escape his punishment: he suffers pain every day," Martens said.

Representatives of the prison in Krimpen aan de IJssel, in the country's southwest, could not immediately comment.

Martens said they argued in court that the prison adheres to national standards and they had made efforts to accommodate Angelo's needs.

But Martens said measures such as extending his bed with a piece of wood and giving him an extra mattress weren't good enough.

Court spokeswoman Paula Keuning said judges' written ruling is due on Feb. 8.

[lynx42]

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my son asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

He suggested I go down to theElderly CitizensClub and meet people of my own age.

I did this and when I got home last night I told him that I had joined a Parachute club.

He said "Are you friggin nuts?You're almost 63 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

Bloody oath I am and I proudly showed him that I even had a membership card.

He said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to the" Prostitutes Club", not a "Parachute Club!"

Shit! I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week?

Bugger me. Life as a pensioner is not getting any easier.

[gjamo]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,

you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill

with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[hrpearce]

Two 90 year old Diggers sitting on a park bench;
Digger 1, do you remember that medicine they gave us in the army to take our minds off women?
Digger 2, yes why?
Digger 1, well I think it's starting to work.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that

will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.... no one wants

him to leave



Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and

proclaims .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new

Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their

children!"



The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.



Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says ... "If

the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also

establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his

children!"



More sighs and loud applause.



Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher

stays .... I will give him sex!"



There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say

that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead

with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his

wife replies, . "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he

said, "Screw the Preacher!"

[Keith Webb]

*Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary*

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


*Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary*

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to d1sgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now..

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Three Scots and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three Englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Keith Webb]

This is just an experiment to see whether this animation works...

Quite tiring just watching it isn't it?

[Pedr]

Originally posted by Keith Webb
This is just an experiment to see whether this animation works...

Done already

TAC HQ - How to post photos



Pedr

[Jordan Baker]

Sorry couldn't resist posting this one. I just got it in an email a few min ago.

[hrpearce]

An elderly priest lay dying in a Canberra nursing home and he asked if John Howard and Kevin Rudd could visit his death bed. Both politicians seeing they could make headlings agreed to visit. When they arrived John asked the priest why he had requested them to be his final companions. The priest answered I have lived my life as close to the Lords as I could, amen said John, amen said Kevin. Now in death I want to go as my Lord between two lying thieves.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

LMAO @ Hanno!!!

This is going to go places, I assure you...

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD


Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees
The big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
And this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
Again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,
I'm trying to poop!"

[Howard]

This from the book "Great Australian Railway Stories" by Bill 'Swampy' Marsh.

"So what's yer name?" asked the train driver.
"Charlie, Sir."
"I don't address my firemen by their Christian name, son. Give me your surname."
"Darling, Sir"
"Okay, Charlie, start shovelling..."

[Howard]

An Arab who had run out of water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Keefy....
Was your fat ass the inspiration for this...??


Australia's Favourite Underwear Company Breaks the Guinness Book of World Record - The Biggest Men Underwear
SYDNEY, Nov. 6 /CNW/ - In an effort to secure a position in the Guinness
World Records book, aussieBum will unveil what is believed to be the "Worlds
Largest pair of men's underwear".
Measuring in at 15.5 metres wide and 11 metres high, with a waist
circumference of 32 metres, the mammoth pair of undies is the size of the
front of a three-storey building. It includes 300 metres of fabric, 500 metres
of wide-width elastic, 5000 metres of cotton and a 1.5 x 6 metre logo. The
giant underpants weigh a whopping 180 kg.
The aussieBum World's Biggest Undies have been built with the help of
aussieBum's long term business partner, Italian firm Eurojersey, a major name
in the international textiles industry. Eurojersey put its faith into the
project by generously donating 300 metres of Sensitive(R) fabric. The
incredibly soft, light and easy-to-handle nature of the Sensitive(R) fabric
helped aussieBum achieve this challenge.
Click on the following links to view some behind-the-scenes footage of
the production of the undies:

(youtube version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GbOfLka_IE

(High res version)
http://aussiebumvideo.com/rss/forcedownload.php?
file=promo1_bigundies_aussiebum.mov

The underwear will be unveiled in the world-famous Royal Botanic Gardens,
overlooking the Sydney Harbour, with the Opera House and the Sydney Harbour
Bridge as a backdrop.

<<
Date: Thursday November 8 - Guinness World Records Day!

Time: 10.00am sharp

Venue: Sydney Harbour - Royal Botanic Gardens
Fleet steps at Mrs Macquarie's Chair
>>




For further information: pictorial and editorial opportunities please
contact: John Scott, E: john@johnscottpersonalpr, T: +61 409 177722; Claire
Delzechi, E:claire@aussiebum.com, T: +61 2 9560 2626; For further information
about EUROJERSEY and the Sensitive(R) fabric, please contact: AD MIRABILIA -
Fulvia Concetti, concetti@admirabilia.it, Tel +39 02 4382191; Vittoria Valle
valle@admirabilia.it, Tel +39 02 4382191

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

An Irish Hallowe'en Story


Carpe Diem
Khufu

This story happened a while ago in Dublin ,
and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and
without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to
realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on .
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw
a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where
through the
window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as
the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other...

"Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it!!!!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
"Our
research shows that even though your annual income is over two million
dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
something back to your community through the United Way ?" The lawyer
thinks
for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my
mother is dying after a l ong, painful illness and she has huge medical
bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way
rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer,
"my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and
is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way
rep
begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your
research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car
accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of
whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an
array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely
beaten,
says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So...if I
didn't
give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Thought I would share this RCAF Training Aid with you...

It may be a little beyond the "Boys In The Barn" all except Grant ,who will give the lads some tech tips on the finer things in life..

http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

[Darrell Zinck]

What? I think it's funny as hell!!!

regards
Darrell

[Keith Webb]

Evolution has produced an element that has become clearly identifiable
in the past decade or two.

Recent hurricanes and petrol issues are proof of the existence of a
new chemical element. Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A
minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause
more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of
moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an
element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons

[RHClarke]

http://www.pinetree.net/humor/thermodynamics.html

[Howard]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bickies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite Anzac biscuits.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.
"F#ck off" she said, "They're for the funeral."

[Jordan Baker]

Leopard Tank does a "pitstop"

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zl6uaq7DTdg&feature=related

[Howard]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like ......night? ?
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember,half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
9. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
10. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
11. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
12. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
13. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened
14. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[Keith Webb]

Howard the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers called 'pullets' and eight or ten cockerels, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any cockerel that didn't perform went into the pot and was replaced. This took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his cockerels.

Each bell had a different tone so Howard could tell from a distance, which cockerel was performing so now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite cockerel was Kevin and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Howard noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all, so he went to investigate.

All the other cockerels were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.

The pullets, hearing the cockerels coming, would run for cover but, to farmer Howard's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Howard was so proud of Kevin, he entered him in the Ganmain Fair and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was that the judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?

[lynx42]

Excellent Keith, Just Excellent.