Some Funnies

[Howard]

A truckie went in to a 'house of ill repute', slapped $500 down and said "Give me your oldest hag & get me a burned chop.
The Madam said "For $500 you can have the best!"
The truckie replied "I'm not horny, I'm home sick!"

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[Darrell Zinck]

Rules for the "Non" Military

For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand.Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:*

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.


2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the Canadian Flag in protest - kick their ass.


3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.


4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms or Jungle Fatigues, telling others that you used to be 'Special Forces,
Pretendingto be a soldier might have been okay when you were seven years old Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).


6.If you witness someone calling the * Reserves* 'non-military', Inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.


7. Next time the National flag marches by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.


8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Canadians, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief(CinC). TheGovernor General (for those who didn't know) is our CinC Regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked.


9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying It! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick your ass!


10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me- if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass!


11. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), * 'Grunt' (*Army*), Hairy Bags' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other.
Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.


12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of t he military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families.. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get it's ass kicked..'


*'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.'

'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.'

'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.'

'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.'


*AND ONE MORE::


13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national anthem in other language than French or English - KICK THEIR ASS.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped it."

The priest said, "Rubbing against one another is the same thing as putting it in. You are not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50.00 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his Hail Mary's and walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money into the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the money against the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

[Keith Webb]

Only in USA or perhaps North America?

A farmer’s divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off', she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[Howard]

Condom factory burns down in New Zealand:
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Hillen, its the hilth Munister here.* Sorry to bother you at thus hour bit there is an umerguncy!!* I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.* It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.
PM:* Shut !!* The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.* W' ill be ruined.*
Hilth Munister:* We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?
PM:* No chence.* The Poms will have a field day on thus one.
Hilth Munister:* What about Australia?
PM:* I'll call Kivin Rudd.* Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms.* 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE:* MEDIUM

[Rob Beale]

A young Aussie bloke was traveling through Europe on his OE.
He was getting concerned at his lack of success with the opposite sex, so asked his Commonwealth cousins for some help.

The Canadian said he knew a young girl from his country, and sent him over to meet her, and a short time later the boy from Oz returned with a bright red slap mark on his cheek.

So they asked him what happened, and he said he asked her: “Do ya screw?” and she slapped him!

The Kiwi said to him, “Look mate you have to sweet talk them, ask them about their favorite pets, books they’ve read or movies they’ve seen, and things they like to do”.

So off he goes to meet a young Kiwi lass, and sure enough he returns with the other cheek slapped.

So they asked him what happened, and he said he asked her “What was her favorite pet? Read any good books? Seen any good movies? Want to screw?” and she slapped him!

The Brit said look, you have to make her feel special, and valued, like she’s a model!

So he spies an Aussie Sheila and wanders over to her. This time the “cousins” move nearby to watch.

And he says: “Are you a model? What’s yer favorite pet?, Read any good books? Seen any good movies? Do ya screw?”



And the Aussie Sheila drawls: “Not till I met you, ya sweet talking bastard!”

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Keefy....
Where the hell is that yellow hammer you were using on Swiss Chriss's truck..??

World RSS Email Print
Million-dollar ring stolen in Melbourne
5:15AM Tuesday Mar 31, 2009

Staff at an exclusive Melbourne jewelery store are shattered after the theft of a million-dollar diamond ring, described as a stunning handcrafted nine-carat round-cut solitaire.

On Sunday, a brazen thief used a distinctive hammer to smash his way through reinforced glass and snatch the ring from a window display. The man, dressed in black and wearing a black beanie, stole the piece from Hardy Brothers Jewelers in Collins St about 4.40pm.

"All our jewels are one-offs, stones that size, of that quality are made by God essentially," store manager James Baron said.

The unusual hammer, which has a yellow handle and weighs 1.8kg, is being examined by forensic experts.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had? just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

'Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

'Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now, what the F*ck would you have said?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

[cliff]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF ..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon"unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Keith Webb]

Think I'm going to cry 'Ruth' or 'Herb'

[aj.lec]

Subject: Archeology Remains

An archeological team, digging in
Washington DC , has uncovered
10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
Of what is believed to be the first
Politician.

[Keith Webb]

Watch to the end:

[hrpearce]

It must be top secret as I don't see a link!

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

It must be top secret as I don't see a link!

For some reason it didn't post.

Link

[Phil Waterman]

This is probably a stupid question but just in case you have not seen this show start with this clip http://www.topgear.com/us/videos/mor...bus-for-london

[Keith Webb]

Get it? We even make our own pale imitation of it in Australia!
Just do a search on Youtube for "Top Gear Australia".

[Phil Waterman]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Get it? We even make our own pale imitation of it in Australia!
Just do a search on Youtube for "Top Gear Australia".

Thanks Keith now if I could only get this on satellite here in the states. If you come across a link for view whole shows share it.

Cheers Phil

[Keith Webb]

I liked this:



Source

[Howard]

G'Day All. Sorry I have not been very active on the beloved MLU lately...
and it may be some time down the track before I get "active" again...
Things are hectic around here at the moment!
Meanwhile, here is a cartoon that my young fella found in one of my old books.

From one of the "Jolliffe's Outback" series of books. Look for them in book shops, they are rare mix of wry humour, Aussie folk lore, our bush history and outstanding art!

[aj.lec]

Now this is scary

[Keith Webb]

Liked this.

[Mike K]

The local hardware store here ..sells bolts and wood and nails .. It also sells pigs ears ..Can somebody tell me WHY ? Right on the counter, a box full of Pigs ears for sale . I know bush people are different , peculiar even , but I've never come across that before.

Mike

[aj.lec]

I could be wrong but i think they might be dog treats for them to chew on
Another possibility is as a training aid for teaching pigging dogs to tag ?

[Howard]

Originally Posted by Mike Kelly

The local hardware store here...sells pigs ears ..Can somebody tell me WHY ?
Mike

Dogs love 'em. They chem on 'em for yonks.
Speaking of such, a WARNING to all of our MLU friends...
If you receive an email warning about CANNED PORK PRODUCTS causing SWINE FLU, ignore it. It is simply SPAM!

[Tony Smith]

Originally Posted by Howard

WARNING to all of our MLU friends...
If you receive an email warning about CANNED PORK PRODUCTS causing SWINE FLU, ignore it. It is simply SPAM!

It always amazes me just how fast jokes get around following some event:

"The Brazilian Navy has exhausted it's search off the coast of Brazil for the Air France plane and has asked the Royal Australian Navy to look in the Southern Ocean because the Brazillians don't have a Map of Tassie."

[Kuno]

Got this one from a colleague in Thailand:


It is low season in a small town in northern Issan, it is raining so there is not too much business happening, and as usual business and everyone else is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a farang tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 1000 baht note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 1000 baht.

The butcher takes the money and races to his wholesale supplier to pay his debts.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay 1000 for pigs he purchased some time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the 1000 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain her clients.

At that moment, the farang tourist is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his 1000 note back and departs.

Now, there was no profit or income, but everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future and continue to make a living.
Thai Logic Works.

[Kuno]

And I liked this one:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Darrell Zinck]

Hi

I too must apologive for not being around here much.

Can I make it up to you with this joke?

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Samoan led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Maori clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Maori clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Maori voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid coconut . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

I got it as an email from a fellow Canuck who, as far as I know has no Samoan or Maori connections.

regards
Darrell