Some Funnies - Page 17

Hanno Spoelstra · #**481** 21-09-10, 20:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by Howard

Gentlemen,
Here is your chance to test your powers of concentration!
Don't let the little things distract you!
I want 3 out of 3 from all of you!!!

Got 2 out of 3.

Easy once you get "the hang" of it

H.

lynx42 · #**482** 22-09-10, 00:59

Ball? What Ball?? Oh! 6 out of 7 then I was lost again, don't know why. Did you notice how she ...................???

hrpearce · #**483** 22-09-10, 07:23

3 of 3, been married too long for that to distract me

Ken Hughes · #**484** 22-09-10, 08:12

Ha Ha totally lost the ball,brests more interesting!

aj.lec · #**485** 22-09-10, 11:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynx42

. Did you notice how she ...................???

Had really plucked eyebrows ?? yeah saw that

Clive_Dakers · #**486** 23-09-10, 00:36

I work on a British military base. Theres a woman at work, shes renowned for being less than smart.

She looked up one day and saw a twin rotored helicopter flying past, she said "Oh look, a Cernobyl"

On another occaision she saw a truck disgorging a load of short, swarthy looking soldiers. When she told us about it she said "They were Gherkins"

She tried to explain why a colleague was off sick, "He has deep-throat thrombosis"

She tangled up some cargo straps and fretted that they would be un-tangleable. She didn't want to own up to doing it, she said "People will think I'm stupid. I try not to be but I can't help it."

These are all true

aj.lec · #**487** 23-09-10, 10:36

Doctor in Dublin

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol. "

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

aj.lec · #**488** 24-09-10, 03:04

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Hanno Spoelstra · #**489** 02-10-10, 19:50

Jokes from wartime dated magazines via Robert Davey:

Fifty Nazi pilots knocked at the gates of heaven and sought admittance. St Peter waved them back.
"I'm sorry" he said "but only six of you can come in"
"But there are fifty of us!" the Nazis protested.
"Maybe" replied St Peter "but Field-Marshal Goering's communique said that only six had been shot down!"
Magazine dated October 1940

Moscow radio recently declared that the following story was being told among German prisoners of war.
Hitler was inspecting the Eastern Front.
"What" he asked a German Soldier "would be your last wish if a Russian bomb fell near you?"
"I would wish" the soldier rejoined "that my beloved Fuhrer could be at my side"
Magazine dated September 1942

Howard · #**490** 03-10-10, 00:41

The other spin on Andrew's joke above (and this is the abbreviated version) includes a cat, who would never pay for the meals, leaving the bloke and the Emu to pay each time. Yes the emu paid for his share.
When asked his story, the bloke replied about the Genie etc etc
His wish was for "An aussie bird vith a big butt, long legs, and a tight pussy"

Alex Blair (RIP) · #**491** 04-10-10, 20:20

I'm sure this guy was a frustrated carrier mechanic..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Kf6cHcc4KY

Alex Blair (RIP) · #**492** 09-10-10, 23:09

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Keefy Webbski,Aussie,55 struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

gjamo · #**493** 10-10-10, 05:16

ROTFL
A classic Alex but you just know he is gunna get even.
Graeme

Keith Webb · #**494** 10-10-10, 05:45

A no-armed man named Alexei Blairski goes into a church and asks if he can get a job there. The man he talks to says, "The only job we have is the person who tells our bell ringer when to ring the bell every hour." Alexei Blairski accepts the job.
The next day on his first day of work, he tries to find the man to tell him it's two o'clock. When he cannot find the man, he panics and rings the bell by banging his forehead against it. Only afterward does he realize that the man he was looking for was on the other side of the bell tower. Unfortunately, the man is so surprised, he falls off the tower and onto the street below.
By some miracle, he survives. After pushing his way through a crowd that had gathered around the man, the town mayor comes to the man and asks: "Who did this to you?" The man responds, "I don't remember his name, but his face rings a bell."

Now as extra punishment read these 6 times out loud:

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
Skip it.

Did you hear the joke about the airplane?
It's way over your head.

Did you hear the joke about the river?
It's water under the bridge.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because his mum threw a fridge at him.

Have you heard they have proven that plants can communicate feelings? It can't speak, but when you squash a grape it gives a little wine.

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Interrupting cow.
-Interrupting cow wh--?
-MOOO!

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Orange.
-Orange who?
-Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

hrpearce · #**495** 10-10-10, 11:50

What do you call a boomerang that wont come back?

A stick.

Alex Blair (RIP) · #**496** 10-10-10, 16:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

A no-armed man named Alexei Blairski goes into a church and asks if he can get a job there. The man he talks to says, "The only job we have is the person who tells our bell ringer when to ring the bell every hour." Alexei Blairski accepts the job.
The next day on his first day of work, he tries to find the man to tell him it's two o'clock. When he cannot find the man, he panics and rings the bell by banging his forehead against it. Only afterward does he realize that the man he was looking for was on the other side of the bell tower. Unfortunately, the man is so surprised, he falls off the tower and onto the street below.
By some miracle, he survives. After pushing his way through a crowd that had gathered around the man, the town mayor comes to the man and asks: "Who did this to you?" The man responds, "I don't remember his name, but his face rings a bell."

Now as extra punishment read these 6 times out loud:

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope?
Skip it.

Did you hear the joke about the airplane?
It's way over your head.

Did you hear the joke about the river?
It's water under the bridge.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because his mum threw a fridge at him.

Have you heard they have proven that plants can communicate feelings? It can't speak, but when you squash a grape it gives a little wine.

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Interrupting cow.
-Interrupting cow wh--?
-MOOO!

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Banana.
-Banana who?
-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Orange.
-Orange who?
-Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

Keith ..
When I saw the joke I though of our favourite photo junkie and couldn't resist..and on your retort ,seeing it is Thanksgiving,you are forgiven..
(Canadian and US Thanksgiving are on different dates..
Canadian..always 2nd Monday in October..)

Keith Webb · #**497** 11-10-10, 11:45

Here are some fun ones:

Quote:

Grammar rules to keep in mind
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Remarks in brackets (however relevant) are (usually) (but not always) unnecessary.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

No sentence fragments.

Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

One should NEVER generalize.

Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

Don’t use no double negatives.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Kill all exclamation points!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Alex Blair (RIP) · #**498** 12-10-10, 02:42

Keith..
Here is a blonde for you..

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."

Phil Waterman · #**499** 24-10-10, 20:15

A friend just sent to me, I know probably everyone in Canada has seen it but I don't think it has been posted on MLU. Everyone who owns and drives a right hand drive vehicle anywhere they drive on the wrong side of the road, ie North America has wanted to do this.

If the link starts with a political commercial excuse it please the US is in the middle of the silly season with elections coming up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIldwGiXKK4

Cheers Phil

aj.lec · #**500** 28-10-10, 06:41

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

Brian Gough · #**501** 28-10-10, 09:21

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a
Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander.

They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up
with a poem that contained the word; ' TIMBUKTU '.

The Yale graduate stepped to the microphone and said:

' SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they
thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone
and recited:

' ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU. '

The Newfie won hands down.

Brian [/B][/B]

Alex Blair (RIP) · #**502** 29-10-10, 22:11

SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fuc*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

Hanno Spoelstra · #**503** 02-11-10, 12:52

Leather Dresses (And Why Guys Like Them)
.
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
.
.
.
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think totally irrationally.
.
.
.
Ever stop to wonder why?
.
.
.
Well
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's because she smells like a new car!!!
.
.
.
.

Hanno Spoelstra · #**504** 02-11-10, 20:06

Cheeky WW2 cartoon.

So what do you guys like best? A leather dress or body paint?!?!?

hrpearce · #**505** 02-11-10, 21:45

one vote for body paint

Alex Blair (RIP) · #**506** 07-11-10, 14:43

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says, 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

Keith Webb · #**507** 13-11-10, 22:29

It seemed when I was in Canada I was the only one who could correctly pronounce Geoff's name but somehow they misheard me and thought I was calling him "Jif".

Maybe this is why.

Source

aj.lec · #**508** 15-11-10, 08:44

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

aj.lec · #**509** 17-11-10, 10:39

On their way to get married, a young Catholic
couple were involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves
sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them.

They began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When
St Peter showed up, they asked him
St Peter replied, "I don't know.This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me find out," and he disappeared.

Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. As
they waited, they had time to discuss the remifications of being
allowed to marry in Heaven, along with the eternal aspects of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St Peter finally returned, looking
a bit bedraggled. "Yes," he informed them, "you CAN get married in
Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what
if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St Peter, red-faced with frustration and maybe a tinge of un-angelic anger,
slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?"asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a
lawyer?"

aj.lec · #**510** 17-11-10, 10:46

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat ... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."