Some Funnies

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

As the boys at the barn are not "professional" mechanics..tradesmen of any kind or trained anything mechanical..I have compiled an explanation of some of the tools and equipment they will eventually attempt or gingerly use..

For those of you of the same calibre of technical skill,feel free to print out this document..enlarge it and hang it on your own shop wall so that you can impress your fellow tinkerers and fiddlers with a working knowledge of the equipment in your shop so that they may be as skillful in the use of the aforementioned tools that you have so laboriously acquired..
(Keefy..pay attention...)

Tools Explained:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!!!'


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Hope you found this informative.

[RHClarke]

Bob was a bit confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from Carleton University, I need some help with my math. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

[Bob Carriere]

*&*^%*$%#............................ me

[aj.lec]

The Gunfighter

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy . 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your arse, and it won't hurt as much'.

[aj.lec]

WISDOM FROM MILITARY TRAINING MANUALS



'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-


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'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -


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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -


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'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-



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'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -


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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -


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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-


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'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-


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'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-


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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-


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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-


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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-


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'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-


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'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-


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'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-


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'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-


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'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-


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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-


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'Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-


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'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-


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'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -



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'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB , AZ-


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'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -


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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

[aj.lec]

TRAGEDY!

You gotta love Little Johnny!!


Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
The middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on
The word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
Is playin' in the field and a tractor runs
Over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
Drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside,
That would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a
Great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the
Room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck
By a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a
Tragedy?'


'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
Be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f***ing accident either!'

[Keith Webb]

From bits and pieces.

[colin jones]

Excellent photo, but I'm gonna have nightmares thinking what her face would look like.
Colin.

[Keith Webb]

I thought this was entertaining: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=xQqQ-Kcjowg

[Howard]

I thought you Jeep guys said that this is a difficult and time consuming hobby?!
How It Is Done

[Marc van Aalderen]

Yes, it normally is. They are cheating they are with 8!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-son,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main in Gander NF, CANADA

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

That this is our own Nigel Watson mentioned..??

Message in a Bottle: 100-Year-Old Whisky Reveals Its Secrets

GLASGOW, Scotland, April 4 /CNW/ - Whyte & Mackay has successfully recreated the century-old whisky buried under the Antarctic ice by famous explorer Ernest Shackleton.

To view the Multimedia News Release, please click:

http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/pr...emackay/48896/

The company's master blender Richard Paterson spent a painstaking eight weeks marrying and blending a range of malts to get an exact replica of the 100-year-old Mackinlay's liquid.

And according to one independent expert, he has got the copy exactly right.

Renowned whisky writer Dave Broom is the only other person in the world to taste both the original whisky and Whyte & Mackay's new liquid.

He said: "The Shackleton whisky is not what I expected at all, and not what anyone would have expected. It's so light, so fresh, so delicate and still in one piece - it's a gorgeous whisky.

"It proves that even way back then so much care, attention and thought went into whisky-making.

"I think the replication is absolutely bang on. Richard has done a great job as it's a very tricky whisky to replicate, because you have this delicacy, subtlety and the smoke just coming through.

"The sweetness, fragrance and spice, and the subtle smoke, are all there in the replica. I'm blown away."

The Shackleton replica will cost GBP100, with 5% from every sale being donated back to the Antarctic Heritage Trust, the New Zealand charity responsible for finding and uncovering the original whisky. If all 50,000 bottles sell out the Trust will receive GBP250,000.

Trust chief executive Nigel Watson said: "From start to finish it's taken almost four years to safely extract the whisky crate from site and then Antarctica, thaw it in museum conditions, secure permits and complete scientific analysis in Scotland . I am delighted that Whyte & Mackay recognise the hard work and value of the Trust's conservation mission in Antarctica by making this very generous and welcome donation."

Richard Paterson said that matching the whisky really tested his blending skills, but it was a true labour of love.

"It was a real privilege getting to handle, nose and taste such a rare and beautiful bottle of whisky. The quality, purity and taste of this 100-year-old spirit was amazing. The biggest surprise was the light flavour and the clear, almost vibrant colour of the liquid. I hope I have done our forefathers and Ernest Shackleton proud with the replica.

"I would like to thank the Trust in particular for their patience, their expertise and their hard work. They fully deserve the substantial funds this special bottle will generate."

The whole replication process has been documented exclusively for National Geographic Channel for a documentary due to air at the end of this year.

Notes to Editor

Tasting Notes

The replica Mackinlay contains whiskey from a range of highland malts, including Glen Mhor, which was the original Mackinlay's distillery before it closed in 1983.

The 47.3% ABV whiskey has a light honey and straw gold colour with shimmering highlights.

The nose is soft, elegant and refined with delicate aromas of crushed apple, pear and fresh pineapple. It has a whisper of marmalade, cinnamon and a tease of smoke, ginger and muscovado sugar.

The generous strength of the 47.3% whiskey, believed to be high to stop the alcohol freezing, gives plenty of impact, but in a mild and warming way. It has whispers of gentle bonfire smoke slowly giving way to spicy rich toffee, treacle and pecan nuts.

Additional Info

Three bottles of the original Shackleton whiskey were flown by private plane from New Zealand to Whyte & Mackay's Glasgow base by the company owner Dr Vijay Mallya.

There were three cases of whiskey and two cases of brandy found on the Antarctic in 2007. One case was removed from the ice and was painstakingly thawed out under laboratory conditions to preserve the bottles and spirit in the best possible way.

That one case was found to have only 11 bottles instead of the usual 12, leading to much speculation about what happened to the missing bottle

Video:
http://multivu.prnewswire.com/mnr/pr...emackay/48896/

For further information:

Rob Bruce, Head of Global PR, Whyte & Mackay Tel: +44(0)750-784-9831; Jill Inglis, Global PR Manager, Whyte & Mackay Tel: +44(0)773-636-5247

[Keith Webb]

This is pretty amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIMig...layer_embedded

[Keith Webb]

And here's a link.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN (OR MAYBE THREE!)

[colin jones]

A woman was walking past her daughters bedroom when she heard a buzzing sound.She opened the door and found her engaging in self pleasure with a vibrator. She said what on earth are you doing. Her daughter replied, Mum, I'm thirty five years old and this is the only husband I'll ever get so shut the door and leave me alone.
A few days later, Dad heard the same sound coming from her bedroom and opened the door to investigate. He found his daughter pleasuring herself with a vibrator and said, " what on earth are you doing. She again replied. "Dad! I'm 35 years old and this the only husband I'll ever get so shut the door and leave me alone.
A week later, mum and daughter came home from shopping. They walked passed the lounge room and heard a buzzing sound. They opened the door to investigate and found dad watching TV with the vibrator on full speed sitting next to him. "What the bloody hell are you doing" They cried'
Just watching the game with my son in law!

[colin jones]

A man rang 000 or 911 and said
I think my wife's dead!
What makes you think that said the opperator.
Well the sex is the same,
but the dishes are piling up!

[Keith Webb]

Seen before but worth reinforcing:



Source

[aj.lec]

Cannibal story

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly Baked: Politicians all: Labor Party, Liberals/Nationals, Democrats or Greens : $150.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a huge price difference for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!"

[Howard]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by howard

finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"that's so clever," the woman gasps. "how did you do it?"
"easy," replies the man. "these are my khakis".

groannnnn!!!!!

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Howard

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

I don't get it?

Hanno

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by chopper

What do Kate Middleton and Osama Bin Laden have in common?
Last Sunday they both had there back doors smashed in
and had a bloke from the navy shoot in there faces

But I do get this one and would like to ask you not to cross the thin line between funny and vulgar. This is a family forum, so please watch your langauge - thank you!

Hanno

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Hanno Spoelstra

I don't get it?

Hanno

Khakis = car keys. It's in the pronunciation.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Khakis = car keys. It's in the pronunciation.

Ah yes, that was to be expected

H.

[chris vickery]

Hanno, you need to perfect the Aussie drawl to get it, mate...

[Little Jo]

Hanno

Don't worry mate, myn family had to immigrate to Australia to get it, so if they stayed in Holland I would not have got it either.

Cheers

Tony

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by chris vickery

Hanno, you need to perfect the Aussie drawl to get it, mate...

The problem is I still have Geoff's Canuck drawl of Khaki still in my memory. . .

H.