Some Funnies

[Little Jo]

True Friendship...

...SCOTTISH STYLE!!
(None of that Sissy shite)



Are ye tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship...

You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card .

Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When ye are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.

2. When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.

3. When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When ye are scared -- I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you're NOT.


5. When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING!



6... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.


7... When ye are sick -- Stay the fook away from me until ye are well again. I don't want whatever ye've got.


8... When ye fall, I will laugh my effin head off at you, you clumsy arse, .......but I'll help you up


9... This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; Because you are my friend.


Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth...



Send this to 10 o' yer closest friends,

Then get depressed because ye can only think of 4..

Cheers

Tony

[aj.lec]

The Lone Ranger


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"



"You dumber than buffalo shit - it means someone stole the tent."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A young fella sitting on a airplane happened to glance at the book the young thing was reading in the seat beside him..
It was "Astonishing True Sex Facts.."
Making small talk he said .."How's the Book..??"
She said..Fantastic...Did you know that Native American Indians have the biggest "members"...and Greek Men are the best lovers.."..my name is Cathy,by the way..What is yours..?
The young lad said...
"Tonto Yanapoulis.."

[Mike Kelly]

This was posted on a yahoo group discussing the quality of machine tools ....the guy was serious ...

Taiwan is a British Colony that is an island off of China. The quality of products being produced in Taiwan has risen by leaps and bounds of the past number of years. They are producing very decent products, but their prices have risen accordingly.

Older Taiwan, was like older Japanese. Newer Taiwan, Quality is close to or exceeds North American made. There again, depends on the factory, I have bought US amde stuff and wished I hadn't and bought Taiwan and glad I did.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA




To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Please look to your northern neighbour for reason and logic in a sound banking system. They too, are part of the British Commonwealth . Not a single bank was troubled enough to have to declare bankruptcy or whatever it is that you call it when your banks stop functioning and they close . . . taking innocent people’s money with it. Their system is the best in the commonwealth, nay, in the world!
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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[Keith Webb]

17: All domestic electricity will now be 240v 50 Hz with proper 3 pin plugs. Your light switches shall be corrected so 'down' means on. Get used to it.

18: CMPs are more than acceptable because they were built to British specifications as you will now be on the correct side of the road.

19: You shall have holidays, not vacations.

20: Automotive terms such as 'hood' and 'fender' shall be brought into line with British standards.

[colin jones]

I was sitting on a bus the other day opposite a Hindu woman when she suddenly shut her eye's and stopped breathing. Then I saw the red dot on her head and realizes she was only on standby.
Colin.

[Howard]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John!" the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep.. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep.."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I went & buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well..." the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"She kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a lying bitch she is ...

[aj.lec]

Are you having a bad day?? read on...


I LOVE MY JOB :-)


This is even funnier when you realize it's real!


Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling
rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...



~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I
wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.


So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to
the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.


Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done.

In agony I realized what had happened.


The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as
fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator.


His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,
along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.


Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression
stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and
told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two
days because my ass was swollen shut.


So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I
love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a
jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!



Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

[cliff]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[aj.lec]

Another Irish Joke

Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester Airport....
The plane is in trouble so he calls the tower and says:
'HELP, HELP, HELP ! ! !
"Easter, Pancake Tuesday,
New Year's Eve,
Bank Holiday Monday,
Halloween, Bonfire Night,
Christmas,
Shrove Tuesday !"
Voice comes back and says:
'For f***'s sake Paddy.... it's Mayday !

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Just for you Keefy..


1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3.Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
6.Variation Law-If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10.Law of Bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach.
11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Howard]

Help Needed Urgently!

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

Yesterday I put in a bid for a "Cowboy Outfit" and now it seems I am only 6 minutes away from owning the Australian Labour Party.

[lynx42]

Are there any Collingwood fans out there?? Seems that they have all gone into hiding..

I hear that there is a new bra for female Collingwood fans.


Plenty of support but no cup.

[lynx42]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare,Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne!
We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no feckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners!

[Howard]

Pollution. It is getting bad.
Yesterday I opened a can of sardines & it was full of oil & dead fish!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Polish Divorce



A Polish man moved to Canada and married a Canadian girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

SHE IS GOING TO POISON ME !!!!
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say: Polish Remover

[Hanno Spoelstra]

10 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash... - Now,we have No Jobs, No Hope and No Cash..........

The BBC recently noted, "There are three apples that changed the world:
Eve's, Isaac Newton's, and Steve Jobs'."

(PS: this message is posted using an iPhone)

[universalgrl]

This is for all you male chovanist oinkers out there.

" When God created man She was only joking"

[Keith Webb]

What makes you think we're chauvinist pigs?

Originally Posted by universalgrl

This is for all you male chovanist oinkers out there.

" When God created man She was only joking"

[Hans Mulder]

Just because I caught that swine flu, doesn't make me a male chauvinist pig. I prefer "macho porcine bigot"

[Luke R]

There's own one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig, a woman that wont do what shes told.

[universalgrl]

You blokes down under all the blood has rushed to yer ead that what comes from being upside down and blowen the froth off what you guys call beer.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Nice flat head sound at the first of the video..

http://cruzintheavenue.com/CarsWeDrove.htm

[Lang]

The Blonde and the Cow




A blond city girl marries a farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to the blond:

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the wall just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The farmer leaves for the paddock. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

[Lang]

Last 10 cents


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10c coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10c's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10c's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand..

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Australian Tax Office..'

[lynx42]

One day a man decided to retire...



He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.



After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the
hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.


He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
*
*
*
*
*


"Shit! You mean,you've built a Golf Course?"

[Hans Mulder]

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.


One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.

He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:

"Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones,sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.

[Howard]

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The tavern owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works!!!

[US6]

Some of you may have read this, and some maybe not ..... but it is clever, and well worth a look!

http://www.collegehumor.com/article/...ii-on-facebook