Some Funnies

[Howard]

There is a bit more than a year until the election, an election that will decide the next Prime Minister of Australia.
The person elected will be the Prime Minister of all Australians, not just the Coalition or Labor.
To show our solidarity as Australians, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.
It's time that we come together, Liberal/Nationals, and Labor/Green alike.
If you support the policies and character of the Liberal party, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Julia, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Thank you, may God bless you, and God bless Australia.

[Bob Carriere]

.... is driving a CMP with only one headlight showing half a** support ...

Bob

[lynx42]

No Bob,
It means your one of those swinging voters who can't make up their mind who to vote for until the last minute.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Lang

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing....

Youre okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....

You hear her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing shes going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...

You sigh in relief because its all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But then .... Wait a minute....

A picture is worth a thousand words....

A friend of mine owns a Volvo and I pointed out the dangers of letting his wife go out with it.

His reply was: "that's why I never wash my car!!"

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in
1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized
from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.

[aj.lec]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and hadvarious bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.

The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.

And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.

He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Howard]

I'm Jobless ...
I just got sacked from my job with 'Lifeline'.
A guy called Abdul phoned and said, “I’m desperate, I'm lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come. Please help me - what should I do?".

I said, “Remain calm and stay on the line" . . .

[Keith Webb]

No doubt it sounded like a good idea at the time:



Source

[Darrell Zinck]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.


He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvtae come tae a complete stop, that's the law, License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap oot of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[Phil Waterman]

My Kids sent me this one and I thought others might enjoy.

[colin jones]

A tour bus driver was taking a number of pensioner's on a day trip when a little old lady handed the driver a handfull of peanuts. The driver accepted them with thanks and slowly ate them while driving. Ten minutes later, again she handed him another handfull which he gratefully received. Ten minutes later, another handfull and the driver said," if you keep giving me all you're peanut's, you won't have any for you're selves"! she replied," we can't eat them as we don't have any teeth too chew them with"! The driver was rather puzzled and said! "So why do you buy them them"
She replied, "We just like to suck the chocolate off."
Colin.

[Keith Webb]

This link was sent to me by my wife...

You need to scroll down to the user comments. I should warn that this is a bit on the 'off' side of humour.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=tsm_1_fb_lk

[colin jones]

Keith, did you think perhaps she is trying to tell you that she does'nt like hairy coconuts. I would only worry if she sends you a link for "Anal Bleaching"
Colin.

[Howard]

Now, there's a mental image that I don't need right now!

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Yes it is funny, but Gentlemen, please ....

[colin jones]

Now Hanno, I hope I'm taking "Please" in the right context.
Colin.

[cliff]

Football Boots


Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick! You're in my cupboard now!!'

[Hanno Spoelstra]

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.

The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

.......and this is why the Chinese own us!

"Business is Business"

Note: In the same vein as in "Warning Objects May Be Larger Than They Appear" - this is a joke!

[Darrell Zinck]

CANBERRA: Wednesday 09 May 2012


A Royal Australian Air Force Pilot serving in the Defence Department narrowly escaped serious injury yesterday when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience.


After mounting his horse unassisted, the horse immediately began moving.


As it galloped along at a steady and rythmic pace, the Pilot, who has not been named, began to slip sideways in the saddle.


Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane, the Pilot could not get a firm grip.



He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse.



The horse continued on, seemingly oblivious to the slipping rider.



Finally, losing his grip, the rider attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety.



However, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.



Moment's from unconsciousness and possible death, to his great fortune a Royal Australian Navy Chief Petty Officer (shopping nearby at K-Mart), saw his prediciment and quickly unplugged the ride.

regards
Darrell

[Ganmain Tony]

World explained by 2 cows…

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you a little milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.


VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.



AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.



A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.



AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.



A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.



A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.



AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.



A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.



AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.



AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.



A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.



A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.

You eat both of them.

The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.

The IMF loans you two cows.

You eat both of them.

The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.

You are out getting a haircut.

[colin jones]

There was a small Asian lady at a bank trying to exchange her Yen for Dollars. It became very obvious that she was getting irritated. She said to the teller! " Why it change?" Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for Yen and today I get only one hunat an eighty dolla! Why it change?
The young teller just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Flucuations."
The Asian lady say's! "Well Fluc you white people too"
Colin.

I see there's some new medication for stressed out lesbian's "Tricoxagain"

[Tony Wheeler]

Wonderful English from Around the World

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster in Johannesburg:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In an Irish cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Thai bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Budapest :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME...

[Tony Wheeler]

Reminds me of a cheap Chinese noodle shop where I used to have lunch regularly. On each table was a plastic tray containing the usual assortment of chopsticks, plastic cutlery, serviettes and condiments, including 3 identical plastic squeeze bottles offering a choice of sauces - their contents identified in handwritten felt pen: SOY SAUCE, CHILLI SAUCE, SWEAT SAUCE

[easo]

Enjoy, Easo

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In the Australian Defence Force, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:
1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: ‘This is the way we have always ridden dead horses.’
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse’s performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as ‘living-impaired.’
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Finally Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[Ganmain Tony]

Tough day at the office was it Easo?

Loved it, very good

[lynx42]

Easo, No.15 was missing a few words. Should have had (see: Julia Gillard).

[Keith Webb]

Someone was saying Hitler was not so bad because he killed Hitler. Then someone else chimed in to remind the first person: "Yeah, but he also killed the guy who killed Hitler."

[Howard]

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

[Howard]

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No, not really" I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer".

[Luke R]

Got this off another forum