Some Funnies

[Howard]

That's Good. That's very good!

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Subject: Snowing Blondes

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."

Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says,

"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says...

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time ."

[Pedr]

Three mates are working on their carrier. One Bloke says to his mate "What's your problem, you don't seem very happy today?"

"Nah!" he says, "Coming here today has cost me a paint job on the house and new landscape gardening. How am I going to afford all that?"

"That's nothing!!" pipes the second, "Today has cost me a new sports car and some diamond jewellery for the Missus. That's expense."

The third guy puts his head down and works even harder. Finally, the other two quip, "So come on smartarse.....what did it cost you?"

"Nothing" he says.

"NOTHING. How'd you pull that off??"

"Well," he said, "I woke up a 3am this morning, rolled over and said to my wife "I'm going to play on the carrier with the boys later.....or we could have sex right now?",

She rolled over, pulled up the quilt and said "Say hello to the boys for me, and make sure you put your dirty clothes in the laundry when you get home.""



Pedr

[Howard]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Plushy]

I like that one Howard !

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Today is my son in laws birthday..
I sent him this...
enjoy and if it is your birthday double it..!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACUjMNDSrgY&NR=1

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

This was emailed to me today by a 95 year-old WW2 veteran some of us know...

********************************************

Subject: War Time

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Our own gunner training his crew in Africa...
or a reasonable facsimile...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPFYc...elated&search=

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes into the ward and says :


"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a nasty pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your manhood was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

Now the man groans a bit, but the doctor goes on : "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, maybe better, in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap, it's a thousand pounds an inch"


The man perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine inch one she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five inch one this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the man agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"Well" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife ?"

"I have." says the man.

"And has she helped you in making a decision ?"

"She has" says the man.

"And what is that decision ?" asks the doctor.
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"We're having a new kitchen".

R.

[Keith Webb]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks mate. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Keith..
What can you tell us of this one..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDD5xfAxhXo&NR=1

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by Alex Blair
Keith..
What can you tell us of this one..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDD5xfAxhXo&NR=1

That one was discovered a few years ago - not sure what has happened to it since.

The 'archival' footage in that clip is a shot of the prototype K5054, the Mk VIII when Col Pay owned it and a shot of a pilot in a Hurricane. The crocks however are real, and a real threat.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."


The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"



"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"



"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."



The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"



"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."



"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Subject: Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "£150!", she cried. £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan it's now £150."

[Howard]

An Aussie traveler was lost while touring New Zealand's South Island. He happened upon a small town Pub & went in to ask for directions. However, he soon found that it wasn't often a non-local was seen in town, and soon it was him that was answering their questions.
"Where ya from, Bro?" asked one local
"Sydney, Australia" he said with pride
"And what do you do with your self, Bro?"
to which he replied "I'm a taxidermist"
"So you drive a cab then, Bro?"
"No" he said, grinning to himself. "I mount and stuff Animals"
The Barman said "Let me buy you a beer, you should have said that you were one of us, eh, Bro"

[Howard]

Jacki-Jacki stormed his way into the Boss' office.
"Boss, I am very angry with you!"
"What seems to be the problem, Jacki?"
"My Missus just had a Baby & the little beggar is white! You is the only white fella on this sheep station, and there ain't no other white fellas for 600 miles! I'm gunna hafta kill ya!"
"Hold on Jacki" said the boss. "Things like that happen in nature all the time! We have 2000 sheep, none of the rams are black, but look! Every now and again we get a black lamb, don't we?!"
Jacki hung his head... "OK Boss, you win. I won't say nothing about my Missus if you don't say nothing about my sheep..."

[Ken Hughes]

a bloody good laugh, howard. good onya mate

[Pedr]

A bloke rings 000 ( 999, 911 )

"Hello is this the Fire Brigade, I'd like to report my wife missing."

Fireman " Mate this is the Fire Brigade. We don't find missing persons, we put out fires. You want the Police.

Bloke " No I don't....last time this happened I rang them and they found the bitch!"

Pedr

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

BLESSED CANADA
> On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am
> going to create a land calledCanada It will be a land of outstanding
> natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain
> goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout,
> forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with
> an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
> God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the
> inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they
> shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
> "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to
> these Canadians?"

> "Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give
> them."

Here's a fun one I found in another site

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said

"Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? Lord t'undrin Jesus bye' it's 2004! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

Johnny says. "How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Missing Missus..??
You need some practice...

http://www.cci-ammunition.com/game/default.htm

[Richard Farrant]

best score I had so far is 49...........little varmints

[Sally Ann]

Got 61 on first try .. Geoff was a witness... Guess since I am not weeding gardens anymore I can work off my grrr on the varmits

Thanks Alex, that was fun! (Do you have one with Raccoons ??? )

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Rancher
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off', she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[Howard]

Condom factory burns down in New Zealand:
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Hillen, its the hilth Munister here.* Sorry to bother you at thus hour bit there is an umerguncy!!* I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.* It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.
PM:* Shut !!* The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.* W' ill be ruined.*
Hilth Munister:* We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?
PM:* No chence.* The Poms will have a field day on thus one.
Hilth Munister:* What about Australia?
PM:* I'll call Kivin Rudd.* Tell hum we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms.* 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE:* MEDIUM

[Rob Beale]

A young Aussie bloke was traveling through Europe on his OE.
He was getting concerned at his lack of success with the opposite sex, so asked his Commonwealth cousins for some help.

The Canadian said he knew a young girl from his country, and sent him over to meet her, and a short time later the boy from Oz returned with a bright red slap mark on his cheek.

So they asked him what happened, and he said he asked her: “Do ya screw?” and she slapped him!

The Kiwi said to him, “Look mate you have to sweet talk them, ask them about their favorite pets, books they’ve read or movies they’ve seen, and things they like to do”.

So off he goes to meet a young Kiwi lass, and sure enough he returns with the other cheek slapped.

So they asked him what happened, and he said he asked her “What was her favorite pet? Read any good books? Seen any good movies? Want to screw?” and she slapped him!

The Brit said look, you have to make her feel special, and valued, like she’s a model!

So he spies an Aussie Sheila and wanders over to her. This time the “cousins” move nearby to watch.

And he says: “Are you a model? What’s yer favorite pet?, Read any good books? Seen any good movies? Do ya screw?”



And the Aussie Sheila drawls: “Not till I met you, ya sweet talking bastard!”

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Keefy....
Where the hell is that yellow hammer you were using on Swiss Chriss's truck..??

World RSS Email Print
Million-dollar ring stolen in Melbourne
5:15AM Tuesday Mar 31, 2009

Staff at an exclusive Melbourne jewelery store are shattered after the theft of a million-dollar diamond ring, described as a stunning handcrafted nine-carat round-cut solitaire.

On Sunday, a brazen thief used a distinctive hammer to smash his way through reinforced glass and snatch the ring from a window display. The man, dressed in black and wearing a black beanie, stole the piece from Hardy Brothers Jewelers in Collins St about 4.40pm.

"All our jewels are one-offs, stones that size, of that quality are made by God essentially," store manager James Baron said.

The unusual hammer, which has a yellow handle and weighs 1.8kg, is being examined by forensic experts.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I don't know where to put this so I put it here..

RIP.Mikey..


Pop star Michael Jackson dead: report
Reuters



Pop icon Michael Jackson dead: TMZ.com website AFP/File – Pop legend Michael Jackson, pictured in March 2009, died Thursday after suffering a cardiac arrest, the …

* Michael Jackson Slideshow:Michael Jackson
* Michael Jackson has gone into cardiac arrest Play Video Celebrity Video:Michael Jackson has gone into cardiac arrest AP
* Raw video: Austin cancer patient remembers Fawcett Play Video Celebrity Video:Raw video: Austin cancer patient remembers Fawcett KVUE-TV Austin

4 mins ago

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Pop giant Michael Jackson, who took to the stage as a child star and went on to set the world dancing to the thumping rhythms of his music for decades, died Thursday, TMZ website reported. He was 50.

"We've just learned Michael Jackson has died," TMZ said.

"Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon and paramedics were unable to revive him. We're told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back," the entertainment site said.

There was no official confirmation of the reported death and spokespersons for Jackson could not be reached for comment.

Earlier, the Los Angeles Times said that the singer had been rushed to a Los Angeles-area hospital by fire department paramedics who found him not breathing when they arrived at the singer's home.

The newspaper said paramedics performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation at the scene before taking him to the UCLA Medical Center hospital.

Jackson had been due to start a series of comeback concerts in London on July 13 running until March 2010. The singer, whose hits include "Thriller" and "Billie Jean," had been rehearsing in the Los Angeles area for the past two months.

The shows for the 50 London concerts sold out within hours of going on sale in March.

Jackson started out as a child star in the band "The Jackson 5" more than 40 years ago.

He has lived as a virtual recluse since his acquittal in 2005 on charges of child molestation.

There have been concerns about Jackson's health in recent years but the promoters of the London shows, AEG Live, said in March that Jackson had passed a 4-1/2 hour physical examination with independent

[aj.lec]

No one that we know!

Four Horses


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name..
He replied, "She called Four Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[Keith Webb]

Now to creatively advertise some rusty old junk.

Here's how you sell something on an online auction site for 100 times what it's worth....

"Old mid 80's Fisher and Paykel top loader.
Goes like a rocket!

By 'goes like a rocket' I actually mean that literally.
It actually shakes the house.

It's the loudest most violent sounding washing machine I have ever encountered.
It makes guests scared and children cry. I've lived with it like that for almost a year and it still scares me.

Once while washing a load of towells it got a bit out of balance and it got so out of control for a minute that I swear I actually saw a porthole to another dimension open above it just for a second, there were dinosaurs on the otherside and they looked scared too, it almost sucked me in but I held onto for my life to the deepfreeze. It sucked my shoes and pants off though and it got the iron as well which pissed me off because it was quite a good one. Luckily it sucked it's own power cord out of the wall and stopped before the whole house went in.
I drew a picture of the dinosaurs i saw incase people didn't believe me, they are partly red because my green felt ran out half way through.

I think it would be good to paint it matt black and put steel spikes all over it and draw demons on the front, however I have added an image of another possible customization option for people who like horses.

On heavy duty spin cycle it sort of sounds a bit like the tortured howls of 1000 undead writhing in the sulphury pits of hell mixed with a train with carriages full of scrap iron sliding down the road with no wheels, on fire, into a bell factory.

Thankfully it's bite is not as bad as it's bark. It washes fine, completes cycles, does everything it's supposed to.
It leaks a bit when it's running, always has.
Its a bit grubby, could do with a wipe down, I refuse to touch it because I'm still getting over the whole dinosaur scare thing.

If your in a fix and need a cheap washing machine and are either completely deaf or hate your neighbours this baby is for you."

Had a $1 reserve & sold for $5160.00 !