Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

The legal profession in Britain

A London lawyer goes through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.

He thinks he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from London and is certain he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!

Glasgow cop says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye havtae to come to complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or jist slow doon?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.

From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

One day an english bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.

The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.

An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.

"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"

So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Jif..
Why didn't you tell the troops that you were having a contest..??

Jif

Mar 11, 2008 14:05 ET
Jif® Peanut Butter Announces $10,000 Grand Prize Winner in Nutty Recipe Contest

TORONTO, ONTARIO--(Marketwire - March 11, 2008) -

Editors Note: A photo for this release will be available on the CP picture wire via Marketwire.

The makers of Jif® Peanut Butter announce today that Lauri Percy of Hay River, NT is the grand prize winner of the Jif® Recipe Challenge ContestTM with her original recipe - Apricot Chicken with Peanut Sauce. Lauri wins a whopping $10,000 plus a Smucker's® basket. Jif® Peanut Butter lovers from across Western Canada submitted almost 100 original recipes using Jif® Peanut Butter, Robin Hood® NutriTM Flour Blend and a variety of Smucker's® products.

"We had so many imaginative and tasty recipes, but we chose Lauri's Apricot Chicken with Peanut Sauce because it was creative, easy to prepare and absolutely delicious," says contest judge and food consultant Dana McCauley.

Other contest judges included Scaramouche Pastry Chef, Lindsay Haddock and Didier Restaurant Sous Chef, Oliver Kjeldsen. They selected the top ten finalist recipes, which were then posted on myjifrecipes.ca to be voted on by online readers. Nearly 3,000 votes were submitted.

"My kids love my Apricot Chicken with Peanut Sauce and I hoped everyone else would too," says Lauri Percy. "I'm so excited I won the grand prize of $10,000, it will definitely help with my kitchen renovations."

Four runners-up were awarded secondary prizes of $1,000 and a Smucker's® gift basket:

- 1st Runner Up - Wendy Lightbody of Brentwood Bay (Peanut Butter Raspberry Brownies)

- 2nd Runner Up - Stephanie Wren of Port Coquitlam (Peanut Butter and Jelly Cream Puffs)

- 3rd Runner Up - Zofia Morris of Summerland (Frozen Peanut Butter and Jam Mousse Cheesecake)

- 4th Runner Up - Marni Fudge of Calgary (Chocolate Cake with White Chocolate Peanut Butter Filling)

In addition to the prizes, Jif® Peanut Butter will also donate 60 jars of Jif® Peanut Butter, 60 jars of Smucker's® jam and 60 bags of Robin Hood® NutriTM Flour Blend to the local food bank in each of the winners' hometowns.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

[Barry Churcher]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate
of Stella and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

[PPS]

Originally Posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball

But there again Geoff is sharp on spotting those up to no good, and powerful on cleaning them out.

Paul.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Here's how to have some fun on a slow afternoon..


http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs...eature=related

[lynx42]

Alex, that's got to be one of the funniest call centre replies of all time. Thanks it is great. Rick

That was wild. Thanks for the laughs today!!!

[Les Freathy]

Alex
Thats a cracker i would like to try something on those lines but not sure the base of our bloody infuriating calls would understand the meaning of it so i will probably give the usual bo-----s and put the phone down
cheers
Les

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him...'Take me. young man...Take me!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, 'April Fool!' ...

And that's when I shot the little bastard!




(Jif...Where did she get you...????Hahahahahahaha!!)

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.



Then he decided to write God a letter

requesting the $100.00.





When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.





The president was so amused that he instructed his

secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.



The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little

boy.





The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:







Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a $1 back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's in Petawawa, Ont

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." .......From Kingston, Ont.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. .....From the City of Pembroke

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."......Happened at Uplands in Ottawa

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Gatineau, QC

IDIOT SIGHTING: This happened at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.......This was a lunch at Suncor, Fort McMurray,Alberta

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.........A clerk at the Campbell's Bay Court House, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side.".... This was at the Ford dealership in Renfrew, Ont


STAY ALERT!.......They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

His reply, "I know. I already got that side."....

[Phil Waterman]

Hi Alex

I was just about to post some interesting video that I shot (winter has been to long here) well I read your posting and it was just to much, wife and I had a good laugh.

But I post the link to the video anyway (even it not as funny as your post) this is what the squirrels do to entertain our cats.

http://www.canadianmilitarypattern.c...rrel%20Fun.htm hit the links for the videos

Cheers

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.




The true story...

Creator of 'The Hokey Pokey' dies

(CNN) -- Every child in America, and almost every adult, knows the Hokey Pokey. You just put your right foot in and put your right foot out to perform one of the best-known circle dances in American history.

Its popularity belies its age, and conceals its author. The man who wrote the song, Larry LaPrise, died last week at 83 in Boise, Idaho.

He wrote the tune for the Sun Valley, Idaho, ski crowd in the late 1940s, but it took a recording by big band leader Ray Anthony to make the Hokey Pokey a nationwide phenomenon. (It appeared on the B side of the "Bunny Hop" single.)

LaPrise didn't receive royalties for the song until the 1960s, when its rights were purchased by country star Roy Acuff's publishing company.

In recent years, LaPrise worked in the post office in Ketchum, Idaho. Children often wrote him notes addressed to "The Hokey Pokey Man."

[Clive_Dakers]

IDIOT SIGHTING: I worked in a DIY store. I guy asked a coworker "which is whiter, masonry paint with a 10 year guarantee or masonry paint with a 15 year guarantee?

IDIOT SIGHTING: Same store. A guy handed me and old spray paint can and asked if we had any in stock. I took him to the shelf and saw that the label design had changed so I had to examine each of the cans that we had. I read the bar code number off the can and compared it to the labels on the shelf edge. "There you go" I said, handing him the new can. "How do you know its the right one he said". I said "I read the barcode". He said "WOW how did you learn to do that?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING: I once spent half an hour explaining to a rather confused woman how and why fuses work. She needed a fuse for her bedside lamp as the one in her plug had blown. Instead of taking a replacement 3 amp plug she opted instead for a 13 amp so that it wouldn't blow next time

[PPS]

This may have been posted before, but here goes.

A local traffic policeman was in his usual hiding place on the side of the road, when one of the local boy racers flashed past. Off went the policeman in pursuit.

When he caught up and pulled him in policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said.

The kid replied, " Well Officer, I got here as quick as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent boy racer on his way without booking him.

Anybody want to try it???

Paul.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Cut this posting out and prominately display it on the entrance door of your work shop...


Using Sex as a Weapon and the Other Six Biggest Mistakes Married Women Make; Leading Authority on Marriage and Relationships Dr. Tseday Aberra Tells Women What NOT to Do

Dr. Tseday Aberra
Highlighted Links


Dr. Tseday Aberra

LOS ANGELES, CA--(Marketwire - April 22, 2008) - Have you ever withheld sex from your husband to get what you want? Think again, according to top marriage and relationship expert Dr. Tseday Aberra. According to Dr. Aberra, a clinical psychologist, there are seven mistakes that women will typically make at one point or another during the course of their marriage.

"Most of the women who come to me with marital problems have, at one point or another, made all of these mistakes during their marriage," said Dr. Aberra. "It is critical for women to change their way of thinking in each of these areas."

The seven mistakes women typically make in a marriage:

1. Using sex as a weapon: The biggest no-no ever! A faithful husband has no choice but to come to you for sex. He doesn't like being reminded of his vulnerability; it's hurtful and will create feelings of anger and resentment. Find another way to solve your problem.

2. Keeping score: Most women have the uncanny ability to recall the time and place of every mistake their husband has ever made and bring past errors to the forefront to win arguments. Stay away from bringing up his mistakes over and over again; scorekeeping is not an endearing quality.

3. Demanding to know everything: You don't have the right to know everything he thinks about or does, unless it's about your marriage. If you need to know everything, you're insecure about yourself and your marriage.

4. Nagging all day: He clearly understands what you want. And he's capable of making a decision about what he wants to do. You're not going to get what you want by nagging so cut-it out.

5. Fighting unfairly: This quality is more common in women than in men. A woman's tendency is to personalize fights, making it difficult to have fair and necessary marital arguments. Productive disagreements need to be kept within the context of the marriage and the issue at-hand.

6. Latching: Even if you enjoy each other's company, he still wants to have time without you. It's necessary. Time without you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Don't take it personally. It's rather healthy.

7. Throwing a fit over his spending: Most men shop for themselves a couple of times a year and their spending seems excessive because they do their shopping all at once. You, on the other hand, don't appear to spend much because you shop more frequently.

Dr. Tseday Aberra is a clinical and forensic psychologist and one of the country's leading authorities on the male-female relationship. Dr. Aberra advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage, the elements necessary for a successful relationship and the role of sex in a marriage. Dr. Aberra has a successful private practice in the greater Los Angeles area, written numerous articles on the subject and conducted seminars across the country reaching countless people seeking to improve their relationships and marriages. More information is available at www.drtseday.com.
Contact:
Steve Honig
The Honig Company, Inc.
818-986-4300
Email Contact

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[aj.lec]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I
pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell
was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Tony Smith]

The Kiwi love affair with ALL things Australian is as strong as ever.

The article doesn't explain his reasons for retracting the claim, was it A: He now realises it wasn't a Wombat that got him, or B: It was a Wombat, but they have reconciled their differences and everything is consensual now?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' S o the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back He claimed he was strand ed and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Thanks for the laughs, guys!



H.

[Keith Webb]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,'saysthe PM. 'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown. I 'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down...all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there..Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!' 'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly. 'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!' Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration,Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says,opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.' With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland,
looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into
black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I'm sure half of these people worked for me at one time or the other...


Survey Reveals Most Embarrassing Job Interview Blunders

TORONTO, May 28 /CNW/ - Most people are on their best behaviour when
meeting with hiring managers, but some actions fall nothing short of bizarre.
In a recent survey, OfficeTeam asked executives to recount the most
embarrassing job interview moments they had heard of or witnessed. Following
are some examples:

<<
- "The candidate sent his sister to interview in his place."
- "The person was dancing during the interview. He kept saying things
like, 'I love life!' and 'Oh yeah!'"
- "A job applicant came in for an interview with a cockatoo on his
shoulder."
- "The candidate stopped the interview and asked me if I had a
cigarette."
- "We had one person who walked out of an interview into a glass door -
and the glass shattered."

The survey was developed by OfficeTeam, a leading staffing service
specializing in the placement of highly skilled administrative professionals.
It was conducted by an independent research firm and is based on telephone
interviews with 150 senior executives at the 1,000 largest U.S. companies and
100 senior executives in Canada.
It's helpful to do your homework before a job interview, and the following
job seekers would have benefited from more preparation:

- "The candidate got his companies confused and repeatedly mentioned
the strengths of a competing firm, thinking that's who he was
interviewing with."
- "A guy called me by the wrong name during the entire interview."
- "We're a retail company, and when we asked the candidate why she
wanted to work for us, she said she didn't want to work in retail
anymore."

Most employers observe applicants' body language to see how friendly and
honest they appear. Unfortunately, these job candidates could have used some
improvement in that area:

- "An interviewee put his bubble gum in his hand, forgot about it, and
then shook my hand."
- "A job seeker gestured with his hands so much that he sat on them to
stop it."
- "A candidate fell asleep during the interview."

Dressing professionally increases your chances of landing a job.
Regrettably for these next job hopefuls, the wrong attire can take you out of
the running:

- "Someone showed up for an interview in pyjamas and his hair not
combed, like he had just rolled out of bed."
- "The candidate had a big rip in the back of his pants."

While job seekers should give complete and compelling responses to
interviewers' questions, saying too much can work against you, as these next
examples demonstrate:

- "An applicant was doing really well in the interview until she got to
the reason she left her other job. She told us everyone was out to
get her."
- "A candidate insulted the interviewer on his tie."

"Although extreme, these examples illustrate the importance of interview
basics," said Dave Willmer, executive director of OfficeTeam. "To be
considered for a job, candidates must prepare well, dress appropriately and
provide compelling information about themselves."
OfficeTeam provides the following tips to avoid embarrassing job interview
moments:

- Do your homework. Study the company and ask the interviewer relevant
questions that demonstrate your interest in the firm.
- Dress to impress. Err on the conservative side with a suit in a
neutral tone. "Test drive" a new outfit before the interview to make
sure it's comfortable.
- Don't delay. Plan to arrive at your interview at least 15 minutes
early. Give yourself extra time if you are unfamiliar with the area.
- Keep it real. Offer examples and anecdotes that help illustrate your
strengths, but do not embellish or lie.
- Resist rambling. Once you have answered an interview question, stop
talking. Allow for periods of silence while the hiring manager
formulates the next query.

Alas, even careful preparation can't prevent all mishaps, such as the
following:

- "A candidate cut his lip shaving, and it was bleeding profusely
during the interview."
- "The applicant became ill during the interview."
- "The applicant spilled coffee on her suit."
>>

Added Willmer, "Handling problems gracefully may actually impress
interviewers. But if the situation can't be overcome, move on and focus on the
next opportunity. It's a learning experience that will someday make an
entertaining story."

[PPS]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male ..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female .... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male .... Playing football without a cup (box/guard).

3. COMMUNICATION ( ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female .... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female .... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE ( flach-u-lens) n.
Female .... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male ...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ........ Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female .... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


AND . . . . .

He said . . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . . That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you done with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said . . . . . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Paul.

[PPS]

How about this one?

Paul.

[Keith Webb]

Discovered by my wife on one of her fora.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .... . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs; I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[aj.lec]

Subject: The Lithgow Cow



>
> The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people
> did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200.
>
> They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced
> lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided
> to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They
> would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the
> bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever
> the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what
> approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could
> not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the
> Vet, who was very
> wise, what to do.
>
> They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our
> cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
> When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. An attempt from the
> side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a
> minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?"
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
> bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we
> got the cow in Lithgow?"
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Lithgow"
>