Some Funnies

[Howard]

A truckie went in to a 'house of ill repute', slapped $500 down and said "Give me your oldest hag & get me a burned chop.
The Madam said "For $500 you can have the best!"
The truckie replied "I'm not horny, I'm home sick!"

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped it."

The priest said, "Rubbing against one another is the same thing as putting it in. You are not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50.00 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his Hail Mary's and walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money into the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the money against the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

[Keith Webb]

Only in USA or perhaps North America?

A farmer’s divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had? just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

'Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

'Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now, what the F*ck would you have said?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

[cliff]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF ..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon"unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Keith Webb]

Think I'm going to cry 'Ruth' or 'Herb'

[aj.lec]

Subject: Archeology Remains

An archeological team, digging in
Washington DC , has uncovered
10,000 year old bones and fossil remains
Of what is believed to be the first
Politician.

[Keith Webb]

Watch to the end:

[Phil Waterman]

This is probably a stupid question but just in case you have not seen this show start with this clip http://www.topgear.com/us/videos/mor...bus-for-london

[Keith Webb]

Get it? We even make our own pale imitation of it in Australia!
Just do a search on Youtube for "Top Gear Australia".

[Phil Waterman]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Get it? We even make our own pale imitation of it in Australia!
Just do a search on Youtube for "Top Gear Australia".

Thanks Keith now if I could only get this on satellite here in the states. If you come across a link for view whole shows share it.

Cheers Phil

[Keith Webb]

I liked this:



Source

[james roy]

Comics from the Maple Leaf reprinted in "Herbie" by Bing, 1947

[Gordon Yeo]

If anyone is interested in seeing more of the misadventures of Herbie a reproduction of 'Herbie Wus Here' was available from Lee Valley Tools as part of a reproduction series of books they had for sale. It is a collection of the cartoons Bing Coughlin did during WW2. Some cartoons are delightfully ribald and politically incorrect soldier humour.

[Keith Webb]

How to make a car roller coaster.

This is in two parts.

Just as well you can't do this to a CMP.

[Howard]

At Last... A solution!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lntC9bHmguc

[gjamo]

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

"The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means you are about 25 percent more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq."

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington ..

Graeme

[Darrell Zinck]

Hi

Thought these might appeal to the Forum membership.

regards
Darrell

[Darrell Zinck]

Hi

A few more with a military theme.

regards
Darrell

[Darrell Zinck]

Hi

And finally.........

regards
Darrell

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Yass had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the croc.'

Some old men can still think fast.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh God, darling this one's even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

[Mk1rceme]

The Royal Fart...

[Mk1rceme]

A local lad...

[aj.lec]

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out "one letter" in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email....obviously to the wrong address.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 4th November, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. it's F***ing hot down here!

[Ganmain Tony]

Australian Tax System

Have a read...

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to
reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men
would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the
sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each
man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the
principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to
work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began
to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,
when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get
anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have
enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is
how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the
most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may
not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is
somewhat friendlier.

[aj.lec]

Pastor's Ass



The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
It won..

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
That he entered it in the race
Again, and it won again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day, the local paper headline
Read:



BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get rid
Of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.



The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
The donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild..


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

[Phil Waterman]

A friend just sent to me, I know probably everyone in Canada has seen it but I don't think it has been posted on MLU. Everyone who owns and drives a right hand drive vehicle anywhere they drive on the wrong side of the road, ie North America has wanted to do this.

If the link starts with a political commercial excuse it please the US is in the middle of the silly season with elections coming up.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIldwGiXKK4

Cheers Phil

[aj.lec]

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!

[Brian Gough]

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a
Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander.

They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up
with a poem that contained the word; ' TIMBUKTU '.

The Yale graduate stepped to the microphone and said:

' SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they
thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone
and recited:

' ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU. '

The Newfie won hands down.


Brian [/B][/B]