You Heard It Here First...

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

The MLU News and Information Service(tm) brings you the following announcement. Please ensure small children are not present in the room while reading!

PLANET-DISSOLVING DUST CLOUD IS HEADED TOWARD EARTH!
Monday September 12, 2005

By MIKE FOSTER

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. -- Scared-stiff astronomers have detected a mysterious mass they've dubbed a "chaos cloud" that dissolves everything in its path, including comets, asteroids, planets and entire stars -- and it's headed directly toward Earth!

Discovered April 6 by NASA's Chandra X-ray Observatory, the swirling, 10 million-mile- wide cosmic dust cloud has been likened to an "acid nebula" and is hurtling toward us at close to the speed of light -- making its estimated time of arrival 9:15 a.m. EDT on June 1, 2014.

"The good news is that this finding confirms several cutting- edge ideas in theoretical physics," announced Dr. Albert Sherwinski, a Cambridge based astrophysicist with close ties to NASA.

"The bad news is that the total annihilation of our solar system is imminent."

Experts believe the chaos cloud is composed of particles spawned near the event horizon of a black hole (a form of what's called Hawking Radiation) that have been distorted by mangled information spewed from the hole.

"A super-massive black hole lies about 28,000 light-years from Earth at the center of our galaxy," explained Dr. Sherwinski.

"Last year the eminent physicist Stephen Hawking revised his theory of black holes -- which previously held that nothing could escape the hole's powerful gravitational field. He demonstrated that information about objects that have been sucked in can be emitted in mangled form.

"It now appears that mangled information can distort matter.

"Just imagine our galaxy the Milky Way as a beautiful, handwritten letter.

"Now imagine pouring a glass of water on the paper and watching the words dissolve as the stain spreads. That's what the chaos cloud does to every star or planet it encounters."

To avoid widespread panic, NASA has declined to make the alarming discovery public. But Dr. Sherwinski's contacts at the agency's Chandra X-ray Observatory leaked to him striking images of the newly discovered chaos cloud obliterating a large asteroid.

"It's like watching a helpless hog being dissolved in a vat of acid," one NASA scientist told Dr. Sherwinski.

Ordinarily, Hawkings Radiation is harmless.

"It's produced when an electron- positron pair are at the event horizon of a black hole," Dr. Sherwinski explained. "The intense curvature of space-time of the hole can cause the positron to fall in, while the electron escapes."

But when "infected" by mangled information from the black hole, the particles become a chaos cloud, which in turn mangles everything it touches.

"If it continues unchecked, the chaos cloud will eventually reduce our galaxy to the state of absolute chaos that existed before the birth of the universe," the astrophysicist warned.

Some scientists say mankind's best hope would be to build a "space ark" and hightail it to the Andromeda Galaxy, 2.1 million light-years away.

"We wouldn't be able to save the entire human population, but perhaps the best and the brightest," observed British rocket scientist Dr. David Hall, when asked about the feasibility of such a project.

But even if such a craft could be built in time, evacuating Earth might prove fruitless if theories about the origin of the chaos cloud are correct.

"A black hole at the center of Andromeda is about 15 times the size of the one in our own galaxy," Dr. Sherwinski noted. "It might be like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire."

Speaking under the condition of anonymity, a senior White House official said the president's top science advisors are taking the findings in stride.

"This is a lot like global warming, where the jury is still out on whether it's real or not," said the official.

"The existence of this so called chaos cloud is only a theory. Americans shouldn't panic until all the facts are in."

I wonder how much a ticket to the Andromeda galaxy costs, and will we be able check CMPs etc in as carry-on luggage?

[Pete Ashby]

-- making its estimated time of arrival 9:15 a.m. EDT on June 1, 2014.

F**** it that's 3 years, 2 months and 6 1/2 hours before I get to draw my pension. This cannot HAPPEN !!


Ah well................Mines a pint of Hookey………………….. Ho Hum.

Oh and another reason why this cosmic event will not occur, the Leyland will just be ready for it's first public showing.......... so that's that sorted then.

I say Old Boy that’s not the thing to come home to don’t you know………… gave me quite a turn,………… consider yourself on a charge for spreading alarm and despondency in the ranks

Pete

PTO&G (with bar awarded for stiff upper lip in the face of killer cosmic cloud)

[Snowtractor]

...can't it hurry up so I don't have to go to work.

So , what , this galaxy sized cloud "snuck up" on us? Hmmm, 28,000 light years away , nothing travels faster than the speed of light, soooo...I should plan a vacation for sometime after 30,000A.D. ? Damn, I already had plans then.
Sean

ps: the word con keeps repeating in my ears.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Originally posted by Snowtractor
...can't it hurry up so I don't have to go to work.

So , what , this galaxy sized cloud "snuck up" on us? Hmmm, 28,000 light years away , nothing travels faster than the speed of light, soooo...I should plan a vacation for sometime after 30,000A.D. ? Damn, I already had plans then.
Sean

ps: the word con keeps repeating in my ears.

Naw, it's the black hole that's 28,000 light years away... the cloud's ETA is 9:15 a.m. EDT on June 1, 2014.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball
Naw, it's the black hole that's 28,000 light years away... the cloud's ETA is 9:15 a.m. EDT on June 1, 2014.

Jeez Jif...
That is going to throw a scut into CC15,on the 26-28 June 2014....might have to move it up a weekend...or two.....

[John McGillivray]

What has Yappy being up to? It sounds like the little pixie has being blowing smoke rings again.

[Gordon Yeo]

This news will have the Jehovahs Witness mob giddy with excitement.

[Jon Skagfeld]

Originally posted by Gordon Yeo
This news will have the Jehovahs Witness mob giddy with excitement.

Hallelujeh...Armageddon at last!

(Not in my bloody lifetime!)

[ron]

Wow great news time to start buying up big time. first thing in the morning I am off to the bank to see the manager looking for a huge loan to buy up all those military vehicles that I have always wanted just think we will never have to pay back the money nice to stick it to the banks for a change, just kidding

Regards.
Ron.

[Dinty]

G'day All, With due respect to GWB for starting this thread and to Ron here in Oz who is going out in the morning to get DEEP into DEBT because we are heading for Amargeddon in 2014, well after reading the post i had a squizz (look) in Google and I'm sorry to say chaps but it's all B.S. , so Ron dont go to town in the morning stay home and have a XXXX or 2 cheers Dennis
PS yeah I know I'm going to get a floggin :dh:

[ron]

Hey Dinty,
Its too late I am camped on the bank doorstep, got the tent pitched, esky by my side, Shrimps and snags on the barbie and a few slabs of xxxx to while away the night, I am not moving so that you can pinch my spot,

First in best dressed,
Regards,
Ron,

[sapper740]

PLANET-DISSOLVING DUST CLOUD IS HEADED TOWARD EARTH!
Monday September 12, 2005


I wonder if this dust cloud will dissolve the Klingons circling my anus, sorry, Uranus?

[Pat Holscher]

http://www.snopes.com/science/dustcloud.asp

Urban legend.

The disaster's called off.

[Tony Smith]

Of course it's wrong! Nostradamus predicted the world would end in 2012. Kim Jong-il is trying for 2007.

[ron]

Hi Pat.
MMMm what can I say spent up big time
up to my neck in debt and now its called off, carnt help bad lucj I guess,
Regards,
Ron,
anyone want a cheap tent? and barbie, and an irate bank manager? and a couple of slabs of xxxx ?

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

Hi all

For those that don't know what XXXX is, it's a brand of Queensland beer. The reason it's called XXXX is that they couldn't spell the word beer. Sorry Ron.

Bob

[ron]

Hi Bob,
Thats ok have another stubbie on me,

Regards,
Ron,