Some Funnies

Garry Shipton (RIP) · #1 27-01-05, 23:14

An elderly gentleman,mid ninties,well groomed,new suit,flower in lapel,smelling of a good aftershave,walks into the cocktail lounge at Happy Hour.He spots an elderly lady(mid eighties)sittin at the bar.So,he walks over and sits beside her and orders a cocktail.When it comes,he takes a sip,puts the drink down on the bar,looks at her and asks-"So tell me,do I come here often"?

lynx42 · #2 11-09-15, 13:40

A true story from Associated Press.

Anyone want to take a shot at the odds of this ever happening again?

For those who have served on a jury, this one is something to think about.
Just when you think you have heard everything!
Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would
attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science (AAFS),
President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped
from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a
note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window,
which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware
that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to
protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able
to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was
threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the
trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the
window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old
man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr.
Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been
accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the
son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,
loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder
even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He
had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to
engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story
building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through
the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.

Bill Murray · #3 20-09-15, 21:52

This popped up on one of my automotive sites today.
Quite entertaining but NSFW.

Bill

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKef1JFpiCA

lynx42 · #4 24-09-15, 10:41

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ-8xj8CUZw

Little Jo · #5 26-09-15, 09:57

Hi All

Here is one for our Scottish members.

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on
to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee
wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat
on, lassie."

'She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice. Are you
taking me tae the pub with you?"

'Nay," Jock replied
"I'm turning the heater off while I'm oot.'

Cheers

Tony

Hanno Spoelstra · #6 30-09-15, 08:11

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Murray

This popped up on one of my automotive sites today.
Quite entertaining but NSFW.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKef1JFpiCA

Very funny! Did you know they were already planning and scheming this from the beginning?

image.jpg

Bill Murray · #7 30-09-15, 15:03

Did you mean to reference Lynx 42 post or mine????

Bill

Hanno Spoelstra · #8 01-10-15, 00:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill Murray

Did you mean to reference Lynx 42 post or mine????

Bill,

Sorry, yours! Now corrected.

Had to look up NSFW.....you learn something everyday.

Hanno

lynx42 · #9 27-06-16, 03:01

Want a god laugh? Look at this ebay for sale advert and read the questions and answers at the bottom of the advert. Look at the price too. Some people are not understanding the humour.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Barn-find-ki...-/182183637723

NEW BARN FIND KIT

Add thousands to your classic cars value! Sometimes when your selling a car you need to put in some elbow grease and really present it in the best way to attract buyers and capitalize on your investment.

This amazing product is guaranteed to work on all makes and models. (*note offer not valid for JD Camira, 1st Generation Hyundai Excel, Saab 9000 turbo and AU series 1 Falcon Forte, face it your not getting your money back when you sell any of those).

Put that bucket and sponge away, what we have here is your ticket to financial freedom.

Darrell Zinck · #10 17-07-16, 19:11

Hi

A coupla good ones:

regards
Darrell

lynx42 · #11 22-08-17, 11:20

TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
(You're going to love this................................)
.
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'

lynx42 · #12 03-09-17, 09:17

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.

One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC.

Regards Rick.

Tony Smith · #13 03-09-17, 11:39

You shouldn't laugh, I'm surprised that no-one yet has complained about one of NZ's Rugby teams, the Crusaders. Christchurch has to be one of the world's friendliest cities (lots of nice towns, but a city the size of Chch?), a truly pleasant place that would offend nobody, but someone sooner or later has to object to the name Christ-Church Crusaders as being three ways obscenely oppressive to minorities.

Mike Cecil · #14 03-09-17, 17:47

The ALL BLACKS - clearly a racist team name, surely?

We can all joke and laugh, especially on this free-ranging and very very funny thread (thanks Rick: you come up with some gems!), but I have to wonder where this revisionist history we are currently seeing in various democracies (and the USA, which is actually a Constitutional Republic, not a democracy), will end. Jokes on us. Back to the humour....

Mike