Some Funnies

[hrpearce]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

[aj.lec]

Vet school

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his
mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students..

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Funniest tax time add staring Newfoundland's funny man Rick Mercer..and the man in black...a reminder for Rick to pay his taxes..
Hope you get a laugh out of this ..It's a couple of years old but I still t6hink it is one of the funniest adds on You Tube..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_XT-T_naCA&NR=1

[Keith Webb]

This would have to come under the banner of bizarre, but is nonetheless an interesting use of flash animation with some clever 'rag doll' kinetics thrown in.
She's falling

[Mike Kelly]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...


Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran o ut into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and c alled in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[aj.lec]

Thought this was topical ...


Better than a Flu Jab!



Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the Vicar
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity


about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist .
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[aj.lec]

A woman sitting in a Darwin Pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration
'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

[Bruce MacMillan]

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,
"Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin

[colin jones]

The young girl who just got her first job at a hardware store was about to serve her first customer.
Good morning sir what can I get you.
The man replies " I would like a file thanks "
Which one would you like, she says.
"I'll have that bastard up there".
Well the young girl was horrified at the mans language and asked him to leave. The manager heard this and explained to the young girl, that it is in fact a bastard file and the man was not being rude.
An short time later, another man came to the counter. Good morning sir, how can I help you this wonderful morning.
" I want a file thanks"
certainly sir, which bastard would you like.
The man look at the girl and pointed at the wall and said,
" I'll have that f....ker over there.??

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I don't know where to put this so I put it here..

RIP.Mikey..


Pop star Michael Jackson dead: report
Reuters



Pop icon Michael Jackson dead: TMZ.com website AFP/File – Pop legend Michael Jackson, pictured in March 2009, died Thursday after suffering a cardiac arrest, the …

* Michael Jackson Slideshow:Michael Jackson
* Michael Jackson has gone into cardiac arrest Play Video Celebrity Video:Michael Jackson has gone into cardiac arrest AP
* Raw video: Austin cancer patient remembers Fawcett Play Video Celebrity Video:Raw video: Austin cancer patient remembers Fawcett KVUE-TV Austin

4 mins ago

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Pop giant Michael Jackson, who took to the stage as a child star and went on to set the world dancing to the thumping rhythms of his music for decades, died Thursday, TMZ website reported. He was 50.

"We've just learned Michael Jackson has died," TMZ said.

"Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon and paramedics were unable to revive him. We're told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back," the entertainment site said.

There was no official confirmation of the reported death and spokespersons for Jackson could not be reached for comment.

Earlier, the Los Angeles Times said that the singer had been rushed to a Los Angeles-area hospital by fire department paramedics who found him not breathing when they arrived at the singer's home.

The newspaper said paramedics performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation at the scene before taking him to the UCLA Medical Center hospital.

Jackson had been due to start a series of comeback concerts in London on July 13 running until March 2010. The singer, whose hits include "Thriller" and "Billie Jean," had been rehearsing in the Los Angeles area for the past two months.

The shows for the 50 London concerts sold out within hours of going on sale in March.

Jackson started out as a child star in the band "The Jackson 5" more than 40 years ago.

He has lived as a virtual recluse since his acquittal in 2005 on charges of child molestation.

There have been concerns about Jackson's health in recent years but the promoters of the London shows, AEG Live, said in March that Jackson had passed a 4-1/2 hour physical examination with independent

[aj.lec]

No one that we know!

Four Horses


A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name..
He replied, "She called Four Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[Keith Webb]

Now to creatively advertise some rusty old junk.

Here's how you sell something on an online auction site for 100 times what it's worth....

"Old mid 80's Fisher and Paykel top loader.
Goes like a rocket!

By 'goes like a rocket' I actually mean that literally.
It actually shakes the house.

It's the loudest most violent sounding washing machine I have ever encountered.
It makes guests scared and children cry. I've lived with it like that for almost a year and it still scares me.

Once while washing a load of towells it got a bit out of balance and it got so out of control for a minute that I swear I actually saw a porthole to another dimension open above it just for a second, there were dinosaurs on the otherside and they looked scared too, it almost sucked me in but I held onto for my life to the deepfreeze. It sucked my shoes and pants off though and it got the iron as well which pissed me off because it was quite a good one. Luckily it sucked it's own power cord out of the wall and stopped before the whole house went in.
I drew a picture of the dinosaurs i saw incase people didn't believe me, they are partly red because my green felt ran out half way through.

I think it would be good to paint it matt black and put steel spikes all over it and draw demons on the front, however I have added an image of another possible customization option for people who like horses.

On heavy duty spin cycle it sort of sounds a bit like the tortured howls of 1000 undead writhing in the sulphury pits of hell mixed with a train with carriages full of scrap iron sliding down the road with no wheels, on fire, into a bell factory.

Thankfully it's bite is not as bad as it's bark. It washes fine, completes cycles, does everything it's supposed to.
It leaks a bit when it's running, always has.
Its a bit grubby, could do with a wipe down, I refuse to touch it because I'm still getting over the whole dinosaur scare thing.

If your in a fix and need a cheap washing machine and are either completely deaf or hate your neighbours this baby is for you."

Had a $1 reserve & sold for $5160.00 !

[cliff]

A friend sent me this....

Wish I could think this fast...

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

[Howard]

I have a feeling this may have ben posted before, but a quick quick search of the forum proved fruitless. So, here I present...
Rural Australian Computer Terminology
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

[Howard]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen: an old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

[Keith Webb]

No comment. Really.

[Keith Webb]

Here's a golden oldie:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach

when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a

booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have tried

to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one

wish. The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge

to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord

said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the

enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the

supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific

and the concrete and steel it would take! It will

nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,

but it is hard for me to justify your desire for

worldly things. Take a little more time and think of

something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker

thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,

'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand

women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's

thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why

she cries, what she means when she says nothing's

wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied,









'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Mike Kelly]

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)



According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers.... and then there are educators!!!

[Tony Smith]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Here's a golden oldie:
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach ........
Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
women; ......and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment

Poor bloke must have given up riding in the end:

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Tony Smith

Poor bloke must have given up riding in the end:

Bet that's not the first time something like this has occurred.

Has it happened to anyone else?

[cliff]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Bet that's not the first time something like this has occurred.

Probably happened to a lot of guys with R.A.Ts. Sydrome over time Keith

[Rob Beale]

After he retired, Joe's wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like
most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday his dear wife received the following letter from the local
Target.




Dear Mrs.Hudson

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
J.Hudson are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares'. Get on it right away! This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layby.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Police were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:



15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here'. One of
the clerks passed out.

[Kuno]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ..

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,

'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor...

Sometimes the bull wins.'

[Barry Churcher]

So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?



1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll , ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House'. Then we burned it, and most of Washington .. We got bored because they ran away. Then, we came home and partied........ Go figure.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We got clobbered in the odd battle but prevailed in ALL the wars)

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, he slept in and missed the whole thing. He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)

19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass (Incidently...so does our beer)

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.



OOOoohhhhh..... Canada !!

Oh yeah... And our elections only take one day.

[Howard]

Four married blokes are fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come outfishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second bloke: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third bloke: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth bloke has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'
Fourth bloke: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Fishing or Sex?'
and she said: "Wear sun-block."

[colin jones]

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could take a bath but the woman of the house told her they never had one, but she could use a tin bath in front of the fireplace.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts, " she said..
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following monday...!
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was very surprised to see the young girl had no pubic hair and she told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtain so you can see for yourself.
The following monday, while the girl got undressed, the wife asked,
"Do you shave?
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes" said the woman, and showed off her hairy muff.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked,
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, " but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "Your've seen it before."
"I know." he said,"but the darts team hdhn't!!"

[Ganmain Tony]

Four Union reps were at an outdoor barbeque during a convention and discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first bloke was from the Brewers Union and he turned to his dog & instructed it to get a jug of beer and pour it out evenly into three glasses. The dog did this without any trouble.

The second fellow, who was from the Bakers Union claimed he felt his dog could out do the first. He instructed his dog to get a tray of biscuits and divide it into four even piles. The dog accomplished the task without a flaw.

The third chap was from the Architects Union. He admitted the both dogs were clever but thought that his could beat them both. He turned to his dog & told it to go & draw a square, a circle & a triangle on a white board. The dog accomplished the task easily.

They all turned to the fourth bloke who was from the Water Side Workers Union and said "What can your mongerel do mate???"
The bloke turned to his dog, who's name was 'Tea Break' & said "Show these bastards what you can do mate!!!"

Tea Break ate all the biscuits, drank all the beer, pissed on the white board, screwed the other three dogs, compained he had hurt his back, filed a workers complaint & shot through on sick leave.......

[colin jones]

John O'rielly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh, thats very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[aj.lec]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.........

[Ganmain Tony]

Originally Posted by Bruce MacMillan

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks,
"Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin

Bruce that was a bloody pearler!!! Sorry I'm just catching up reading these things. This one reduced me to tears!!!