Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

’Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.

’What’s going on here, people?’ asks the officer. ‘I’m making love to me wife,’ the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

’Oh, I’m so sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’

’Well, needer did I,’ says Paddy, ’til ya shoined dat bloody light in her face!!!

[Keith Webb]

They have some very good signs from time to time.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Keith ..
Here is one for you...


Two traffic police officers on patrol near North Berwick were involved in an
unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1, Great
North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a
vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the
speed was recorded at over 300 mph.

Their radar gun then suddenly stopped working, and the officers were not
able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree-tops revealed that the radar had in
fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a
low-flying exercise over the Scottish/English borders, approaching them from
the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff compl
aint to the RAF Liaison office . . .

Back came the reply in true, laconic, RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this
incident"

"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado jet
in question, had detected the presence of (and subsequently locked onto)
your hostile radar equipment, and had automatically sent a jamming signal
back to it, which was why it stopped working"

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft, had
also 'automatically' locked onto your equipment"

"Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what
it was, and quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, managing
to override the automated defense system, before the missile was launched
and your hostile radar installation was destroyed"

"Good Day"...................

[aj.lec]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING


MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found Shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Hudson

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away? This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Police were called.

9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.


13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' And last, but not least:

15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,
'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.

One of the clerks passed out.

[aj.lec]

And they say revenge is sweet...........

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope, you are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

[Ganmain Tony]

Robot barman

A man enters a bar and orders a drink.
The bar has a robot barman.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global
warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.



The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another
drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100."



Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holden’s, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.



Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"



The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says...real slowly...





"So...............ya gonna vote for Kevin again???"

[lynx42]

http://videosift.com/video/A-Most-Wo...he-Hanky-Panky

Have a laugh.!!!(I hope no-one is offended).

[Yeo.NT]

How do you double the worth of your restoration project? Fill up the petrol tank.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by lynx42

http://videosift.com/video/A-Most-Wo...he-Hanky-Panky

Have a laugh.!!!(I hope no-one is offended).

Only in Montreal Canada do we have such talent..Bravo..!!

Ursula Martinez - Hanky Panky @ Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal.

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Only in Montreal Canada do we have such talent..Bravo..!!

Ursula Martinez - Hanky Panky @ Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal.

It was my wife who showed me this some time ago - My jaw hit the ground.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

It was my wife who showed me this some time ago - My jaw hit the ground.

You sure it was your jaw...
Here is a little entertainment for you..A neat project for the Corowa show using old CMP parts...and Carrier parts..

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=RobaJKGMMiE
Alex
Happy Easter (The Easter Bunny in drag..)

[aj.lec]

That is one time you would not want a hose to rupture

[Paul Singleton]

The Esso near me had some troubles with their sign today. I hope it's not a sign of things to come!

[gjamo]

Subject: Man

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you
a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other
ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you
back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk
to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of
sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years... How about twenty and I'll
give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'


But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the
ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes
eighty, okay?'


'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'


So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do
monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years
we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
as a public service.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

they shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Now this is a man's BBQ!!!!


BBQ RULES
It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine......
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[Keith Webb]

With one omission I have corrected. I know there are other military colours but this one no man should leave out.

[Ganmain Tony]

World survey



Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

· In Eastern Europe they didn't know the meaning of the meaning of "honest";

· In Western Europe they didn't know the meaning of "shortage";

· In Africa they didn't know the meaning of "food";

· In China they didn't know the meaning of "opinion";

· In the Middle East they didn't know the meaning of "solution";

· In South America they didn't know the meaning of "please";

· In the USA they didn't know the meaning of "the rest of the world";

· In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[aj.lec]

Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind
to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father
and supported many charities.


One day the evil brother died. Then,
after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to
heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life.


One day he went to God and asked,
"Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him
here in heaven."



God replied, "As you know, your brother
led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.
He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied.
"But, I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said.
"I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother
gazed into hell. Before long, he saw his brother
sitting on a bench.



In one arm he held a keg of beer,
and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and
he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the
other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.

The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

[colin jones]

We always here the rules from the female side, now here's they are from the male side.
1. Breast are for looking at and thats what we do. Don,t change it.
1. Learn to work with the toilet seat. We don,t complain when its down.
1. Saturday sport is like a full moon or the changing of the tide. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport and we never think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want and lets be clear on that.
Subtle hints don't work
strong hints don't work
Obvious hints don't work
Just say it?
1. yes or no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. Thats what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for!
1. A headache for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor!
1. If you think you're fat you probably are so don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be taken 2 ways and 1 of them makes you sad
then we meant the other one.
1. You can eitherask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not
both. If you know the best way then do it yourself!
1. Christopher Columbus did'nt need directions and niether do we.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched and we will do that.
!. If we ask whats wrong and you say nothing then we will act that way
cause its not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to then expect an
answer you don't want to hear?
1. When we go somewhere what ever you wear will be O.K.
1. Don't ask what we're thinking unless you want to discuss sex, cars or sport
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape cause round is a shape!

Thanks for reading and yes I will be sleeping on the couch but thats Ok. Its
just like camping?

Please pass this on to men and give them a laugh then pass it on to women and give them an education?

[Ganmain Tony]

We are a cultured lot, even appreciate poetry......

[Keith Webb]

Only the dog knows...

[gjamo]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said "Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[aj.lec]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Trevor, what's your problem?'

Trevor answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Trevor to the principal's office.

While Trevor waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Trevor was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Trevor : '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Trevor : '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Trevor can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Trevor both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Trevor, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Trevor replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Trevor : 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Trevor: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Trevor replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Trevor : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Trevor : 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Trevor in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

LOts of oldies..
Bob Carrier was in this and I think probably Keith may have edited it..


104 YEAR OLD FILM CLIP


"you are there" for a cable car ride in San Francisco"



This film was "lost" for many years. It was the first 35mm film ever. It was taken by camera mounted on the front of a cable car.

The number of automobiles is staggering for 1906. Absolutely amazing! The clock tower at the end of Market Street at the Embarcadero wharf is still there. ... How many "street cleaning" people were employed to pick up after the horses? Talk about going green!



Great historical film!
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=NINOxRxze9k

This film, originally thought to be from 1905 until David Kiehn with the Niles Essanay Silent Film Museum figured out exactly when it was shot. From New York trade papers announcing the film showing to the wet streets from recent heavy rainfall & shadows indicating time of year & actual weather and conditions on historical record, even when the cars were registered (he even knows who owned them and when the plates were issued!).. It was filmed only four days before the Great California Earthquake of April 18th 1906 and shipped by train to NY for processing. Amazing, but true!

[Bob Carriere]

Everyone is wearing dark colors.....

....there are very few women visible ......

....... and now I know where most of Toronto taxi drivers ( and Alex ) come from or learned how to drive......

On two occasions there are street cars..... electric at that.... that crosses the cable track....... at first I could not make out the steel track for the street cars..but yes they are flush with the cobble stone pavement....

Fantastic clip...... no CMP seen.....

Boob

[Ganmain Tony]

Australian Tax System

Have a read...

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this;

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with
the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to
reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men
would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33.
But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the
sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each
man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the
principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to
work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began
to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar
too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"

"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back,
when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get
anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to
pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have
enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is
how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the
most benefit from a tax reduction..

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may
not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is
somewhat friendlier.

[aj.lec]

Pastor's Ass



The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
It won..

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
That he entered it in the race
Again, and it won again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
Publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day, the local paper headline
Read:



BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he
Ordered the pastor to get rid
Of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
Nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
The following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.



The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
The donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild..


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Here is a great game to play with your friends..
Leave it up to the Kiwi's to think this one up..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY4cp...eature=related

[Howard]

Australia is currently being led by a 'Ranga!
Enough said.