Some Funnies

[Tony Smith]

The Pope came to Australia for World Youth Day.

After visiting the small town of Dubbo for a large outdoor Mass, he was in high spirits. He said to his personal driver: "What a marvellous day this has been. The Mass was well attended, my sermon went down very well and it's such a lovely day for a Sunday Drive. Give me the keys and let ME drive for a change."
"But your Holiness, I can't do that! I'd lose my job and couldn't bear the guilt if anything went wrong!"
"Nonsense, what could go wrong out here? There's no-one around for miles, and I really feel like a drive. It's been years since I had the pleasure of a drive in the country."
"But your Holiness", said the Driver "If you haven't driven for years, do you still have a licence?"
"Look, I haven't forgotton how to drive, and these big wide, straight country roads wouldn't present a problem even for Me! For Heaven's sake, give me the keys!"
The Driver looked up the road, then looked down the road. There didn't seem to be any traffic about, and the roads were wide and flat. What could go wrong? And besides could he really deny the Holy Father?
"OK Father, but please promise me you'll be careful."

The Pope grabbed the keys with glee and leapt in the front, while the Driver reluctantly got in the back. The Pope gently pulled away, fussing about with the mirrors and controls. "Yes, yes, it's all coming back to me now! What fun! As his confidence grew, his speed slowly crept up and up, until the Driver cried in alarm from the back seat "Holy Father! Have mercy! Please slow down, your doing over 140!" The Pope just grinned and said: "Yes, isn't she a beauty, my son? Whoo-hoo!"

At that point, the Pope noticed a Police Patrol car pull out from behind a billboard with it's lights flashing. The Driver wailed "That's it! I knew this would happen. You aren't even licensed, and now you'll get done for speeding! Oh, Mea Culpa, what will happen to me?" The Pope said "Just quit your whinging. Raise the privacy screen and don't say a word. I'll be able to talk the Officer out of giving me a ticket."

After the Pope pulled over, the Policeman sauntered up to the window of the Limo and said " Driver, you were recorded travelling at a speed in excess of ..... OH MY GOD! IT"S YOU!!" In the back, he could see a shadowy figure clutching some Rosary Beads and genuflecting like crazy, while rapidly muttering a prayer. He hurried back to his patrol car and got on the radio. "Hey Sarge, it's Wilson. I've got a situation here and don't know what to do. I've pulled over a driver for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."
"Why not, Wilson? Just issue the fine."
"But Sarge, it's someone really important!"
"Who, the Mayor?"
"Nope, bigger!
"Who, the Police Commisioner?"
"Nope, bigger."
"The Prime Minister?"
"No, the Big One. I think I've pulled over God, because He's got the bloody Pope as his chauffeur!

[aj.lec]

sorry about that tony I forgot you were down that way .My nephew sent it to me and he lived in lithgow for a While
I doubt if the dubbo police would recognise the pope or care either way .They are pretty savage and would book him anyway

one for the Canadians -if you know this bloke its probably a good idea to avoid him on the road

Subject: Alberta Driver

Must of been a green light that kept him/her going, i think!!
Now here's one tough Dodge truck. This happened in Vernon , B.C

The driver hit the left turn light at 48th Ave. And 27th St. shearing it off at the base, and then kept driving on about 2 km to Squires Four Pub.

Where he stopped for more beer!! How pissed do you have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a lamp standard?

(Notice that there is an Alberta plate on the truck. No one said anything about a smart driver.)

The truck was towed about 2.5 km, with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and bent bumper,

To the Vernon Towing yard, where it took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the pole free.

[aj.lec]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish

you were married, or wish you weren't married, this

is something to smile about the next time you see a

bottle of wine:


Sam was driving home from one of his business

trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly

Navajo man walking on the side of the road.


As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped

the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.



With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.



Resuming the journey, Sam tried in vain to make

a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old

man just sat silently, looking intently at

everything he saw, studying every little detail,

until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sam.



'What in bag?' asked the old man.



Sam looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's

a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'


The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.


Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:


'Good trade.'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

DATING IN 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with h e r saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[hrpearce]

The latest development in brest implants is to incorporate Ipod's into them costing between $400 and $800 depending on cup size and speaker selection. This should stop women complaining that men just stare at their brests and don't listen to them.

[aj.lec]

In case you need a laugh:
>>>>> Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
>>>> school certificate to fix one.
>>>>>
>>>>> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe
>>>> Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
>>>>> The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
>>>> form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
>>>>>
>>>>> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
>>>>> Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
>>>> pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
>>>>> recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
>>>>>
>>>>> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
>>>> an accident.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>>>>> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>>>>>

FAVORITES
>>>>> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>>>>> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Something loose in cockpit.
>>>>> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>>>>> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>>>> descent.
>>>>> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>>>>> S: Evidence removed.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>>>>> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>>>>> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>>> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>>>>> S: Suspect you're right.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>>>>> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Aircraft handles funny
>>>>> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Target radar hums.
>>>>> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>>>>>
>>>>> P: Mouse in cockpit.
>>>>> S: Cat installed.
>>>>>
>>>>> And the best one for last..................
>>>>> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
>>>> pounding on something with a hammer.
>>>>> S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Canada Day jokes ..

Good..

A Saskatchewan police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old
boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR
TRAP AHEAD' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)



BETTER:


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Edmonton, AB.A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being
cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded
with another mailed photo of handcuffs.



BEST:


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Saskatchewan RCMP
Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said,
I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[Rob Beale]

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean
for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach at Whanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.

As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up alongside with two men wearing All Black jerseys. Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who the hell was that, bro?' 'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.' 'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know bugger all about shark fishing .........

Is the bait holding up okay bro, or do we need to get another Aussie?

Rob

[hrpearce]

Sent to me in Eail.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

THE RULES OF RURAL ONTARIO ARE AS FOLLOWS

Listen up City Slickers !

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 21/26 goes east and west, Hwy 6/10 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in Rural Ontario waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat biscuits & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. OHL and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Leafs and Habs, and more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17.. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges, They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Canadian Forces. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. 2 inches of ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and Tractors with Snow Blowers will have you out the next day.

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Shucks Alex, ya brought a tear to me eye...

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball

Shucks Alex, ya brought a tear to me eye...

Thanks Jif..happy fourth to you...Thought you would like these..By the way..Read rule 1 and apply..

[Darrell Zinck]

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Gee Darrell, sounds like some of the Armour types I know...

[Darrell Zinck]

Hiya Geoff

Jeez, now you're just giving dogs a bad name!!!

regards
Darrell
("I say, Driver, could you turn the turret air-conditioning down a touch? There's a odd looking dust covered chap outside who apparently is trying to tell me something!!")

[Yeo.NT]

Who is that?

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Bubba.


“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They
took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question
him.Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why
do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red
material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that
the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are
shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't
panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

[Reginald Hoey]

One for the New Zillinders...
How they make Vodka
Reg.

[Ken Hughes]

Ha Ha Ha,a bloody good one Reg.

[Howard]

The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Is, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.' !
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pe p e when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe.. Go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis MI amigo... What ees it?
'Pepe.. . Ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees


Eees a Ham Bush.

[aj.lec]

GOOD, BETTER, BEST

Good
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball.'
He replied, 'Central Otago Police don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[aj.lec]

NEVER EVER TICK OFF A NURSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because
he bossed them around just like he did his staff None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, 'I have
to take your temperature.' After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms
and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.' This started another round of complaining
but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'
After a pause, the doctor confessed.... 'Not with a CARNATION.'

[hrpearce]

Subject: Celibacy...


>
> Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy, for
> example.
>
> This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental
> factors.
>
> While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Susan
> listened to the instructor declare:
>
> "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are
> important to each other."
>
> He addressed the men in the group.-
>
> "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
>
> Robert leaned over, touched Susan's arm gently and whispered,
> "Self-raising, isn't it?"
>
> Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.....

[Barry Churcher]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified.


He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their
answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'


The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's
no warning.


'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he
asked the second man.


'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is
the fastest thing I know of.'


'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply.


'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.


Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.


Old BUBBA replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'


'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good,
and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON
THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'


BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!


You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now
on!...


--

[gjamo]

Military humour

[aj.lec]

1st Airforce downsizing ?
2nd I wonder if the terorists read signs ?
3rd New personal aircraft

[aj.lec]

1st What to do when you run out of ammo ?
2nd operation Desert glide
3rd smile

[aj.lec]

Who has been back to Temora again ?

[aj.lec]

dogs are moving with the times too
Now no longer only pointers but they are spotters as well

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Strewth" says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'