Trafalgar Day - "England expects every man to do his duty"

Well, we've missed it by a month and a day (shame on me for not reminding everyone), however, this seems to sum up the current social position and illustrate the difficulties our hero Lord Nelson may have in this day and age. I claim no originallity.

R.

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir"

"In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Great stuff, R.!
Go on then, you've earned your daily ration of tobacco (without namby-pamby mufflers).


H.

[Tony Smith]

John Cleese would be too tall to play Nelson, but otherwise I'd think he'd suit this Admiral-ably.

Originally posted by Hanno Spoelstra
Great stuff, R.!
Go on then, you've earned your daily ration of tobacco (without namby-pamby mufflers).

Oh! Thanks awfully old chap.

R.

Originally posted by Tony Smith
John Cleese would be too tall to play Nelson, but otherwise I'd think he'd suit this Admiral-ably.

Ripper!

Mind you don't cut yourself on the sharp Aussie wit; been at the Vegemite again?
:

R.

[Tony Smith]

I see that the French contingent attending the Red Vs Blue sea battle in the Channel decided that they may have a better chance in Round 2 if they brought a 859ft nuclear-powered Carrier to duel with the British fleet of Tall Ships.
Did it do them any good? Was there a result?

Originally posted by Tony Smith
I see that the French contingent attending the Red Vs Blue sea battle in the Channel decided that they may have a better chance in Round 2 if they brought a 859ft nuclear-powered Carrier to duel with the British fleet of Tall Ships.
Did it do them any good? Was there a result?

Don't know, its only a few miles down the road too. In a spate of unbelievable PC of course we have "Red" and "Blue", why not English vs French - historically accurate.

Bit premature too for a 200yr anniversary as Trafalgar was 21st October (1805).

R.

[Pete Ashby]

I think we still won the replay, the secrete to our success is we Brits don't have lunch and a snooze like the jolly Continentals do



PC of Oxford

Originally posted by Pete Ashby
I think we still won the replay, the secrete to our success is we Brits don't have lunch and a snooze like the jolly Continentals do



PC of Oxford

Aha, a part-time gentleman from an erudite and revered university city; how the devil are you ol' chap?

Seeing what some of the continentals throw down their necks at lunch-time its no wonder a snooze is essential and good job too, since the afternoon RTA rate just over the water still has a pertinent, afternoon, bump in the curve.

R.