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  #121  
Old 16-01-08, 04:21
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)'s Avatar
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints out the following:

"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
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  #122  
Old 25-01-08, 23:39
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Location: Ottawa ,Canada
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Default Only John Cleese/////

Only John Cleese could come up with this one...

A Message from John Cleese To: The citizens of the United States of America In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates forPresident of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby givenotice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
2. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix-ise.
3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
4. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
5. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
6. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist the n you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
7. more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
9. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
10. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
11. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
13. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
14. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
16. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
19. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen, only He can.

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  #123  
Old 28-01-08, 03:37
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Exclamation Hmm...

Hmmm...
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  #124  
Old 03-02-08, 14:38
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Location: Ottawa ,Canada
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Default Before the shut down..

had to throw this one on before the shut down at 9:00EST
Just because the Leafs beat the Sens last night in hockey..
I'm a little bitter and twisted..




Two small business men in Toronto are sitting in their soon to be new store..

As of now the store is bare with just a few shelves. One says to the other 'I bet you 5 dollars that any minute a newfie is going to walk by..Put his face to the window and ask what we are selling'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a curious newfie walks to the window, has a peak and asked 'what are ya sellin here byes?'

One of the business men (trying to be a smart ass) says.. 'Oh..we're selling assholes here' as he laughs.


With that the Newfie replies 'Well I see you're doing really well, you've only got two left!'


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  #125  
Old 06-02-08, 14:09
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Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
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Location: Eltham, Victoria, Australia
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Default And for after the startup again

The legal profession in Britain

Quote:
A London lawyer goes through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.

He thinks he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from London and is certain he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!!

Glasgow cop says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye havtae to come to complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the s**t out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or jist slow doon?
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  #126  
Old 06-02-08, 14:59
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Thumbs up Was this you Keith...??

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle...especially in public.

From Sydney Morning Australia comes this story of a central west
couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car
break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car their in the parking lot. The wife returned later
to see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection she saw a pair of male legs from under the chassis.
Altough the man was in shorts his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood
and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

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  #127  
Old 06-02-08, 15:04
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Thumbs up One more...

One day an english bloke was driving aroung the backblocks of
Sydney one day, when he saw a little girl in the paddock next to
him. With the little girl was a gigantic bull, that was
preparing to gore the little girl.

The Pom took action. He slammed on the brakes of his car, jumped
out, ran over and jumped the barbed wire fence, grabbed the bull
by it's horns, flipped it over and broke it's back.

An Aussie reporter saw the whole thing, and after the bull was
dead (not being aware that the guy was english) he rushed over
to congratulate him.

"That was absolutly bloody fantastic mate! It'll make front page
news, just give me your details,"

So the Pom gives him his details. A day later he buys the
newspaper and looks at the headline. It reads POMMY BASTARD
KILLS CHILDS PET.

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  #128  
Old 07-02-08, 01:52
Mike Timoshyk Mike Timoshyk is offline
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Default you think Education is tough - trying being stupid

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a> significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
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  #129  
Old 08-02-08, 00:08
Mike Timoshyk Mike Timoshyk is offline
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Default Marijuana filled firewood

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).
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  #130  
Old 16-02-08, 08:05
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Default

BLESSED CANADA
> On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am
> going to create a land calledCanada It will be a land of outstanding
> natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain
> goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout,
> forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with
> an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
> God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the
> inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they
> shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
> "But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to
> these Canadians?"

> "Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give
> them."
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  #131  
Old 16-02-08, 08:11
Vets Dottir 2nd
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Default

Here's a fun one I found in another site

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said

"Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? Lord t'undrin Jesus bye' it's 2004! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

Johnny says. "How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??
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  #132  
Old 16-02-08, 20:59
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Jon Skagfeld Jon Skagfeld is offline
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Default

Mike:

Was that Larry's Lethal Weapons in Detroit?
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  #133  
Old 17-02-08, 10:07
Richard Coutts-Smith Richard Coutts-Smith is online now
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Default Lost Aussie Cat

This was the poster put up by some caring japanese students in Sydney.
Rich.
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  #134  
Old 25-02-08, 02:40
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Barry Churcher Barry Churcher is offline
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Location: Castleton Ont.
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Default I hope this is

good for you Aussies. I didn't get any of it.

Australian Citizenship Test



1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'?

2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does "sinkin piss at a mates joint" and "getten para" mean?
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  #135  
Old 25-02-08, 07:53
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Max Hedges Max Hedges is offline
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Default

your right Barry good for a laugh
No 4 is a ripper
you do know what No 11 is don't you
and No 16 is a must
Max
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  #136  
Old 27-02-08, 08:54
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aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default

no wonder CMPs are built so tough and slow
If all canadian truck drivers are like this one in manitoba .Apparently he tried to "hop it" at 55mph
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  #137  
Old 27-02-08, 08:57
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aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default Good Sense Of Humour

AT LEAST THE AIRLINES HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR
WESTJET

You gotta love the Canadian sense of humour.

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary , Alberta . West

Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture'

and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that

have been heard or reported:

On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you

want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight

attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here,

find a seat and get in it!'

-----------------------

On another West Jet Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the

pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will

be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants.'

------------------------

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have.'

------------------------

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of

this airplane.'
-----------------------

'Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the

business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

---------------------------

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport , a

lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

-------------------------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight

attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the

overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell

everything has shifted.'

-----------------------

From a West Jet Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to

Calgary . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,

and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised.'

---------------------

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from

the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If

you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting

with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your

favourite.'

-----------------------

'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll

try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody

loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.'

------------------------

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments.'

-----------------------

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything

left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please

do not leave children or spouses.'

---------------------------

And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'West Jet Airlines is pleased

to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'

-----------------------------

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and

I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's

fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault,

it was the asphalt.'

------------------------------

Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina , on a particularly

windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really

having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant

said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina . Please remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

airplane to the gate!'

------------------------------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask

you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

---------------------

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his

ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required

the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,

and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of

his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had

gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir,

do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

-------------------

After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax , the attendant came on with,

Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and

the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we

will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the

terminal.'

-----------------------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you

folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge

to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll

think of West Jet Airways.'

-----------------------

Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to

smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light

'em, you can smoke 'em.'

-----------------------

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to

Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg toMontreal . The weather ahead is

good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit

back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' 0Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally

spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of

mine!
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  #138  
Old 28-02-08, 02:36
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Tony Smith Tony Smith is offline
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Default

A Multi-Millionaire living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool!

Colin was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Colin was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor! The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Colin.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Colin.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again, Colin said "No".

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Colin, then what do you want?"

Colin said, "I want the bastard who pushed me in the Pool."
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  #139  
Old 28-02-08, 07:35
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aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default another westjet classic

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines, from Ottawa to Calgary.

The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to go ask the flight attendant.

So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant who was busy serving drinks.

She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy answered, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you!

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  #140  
Old 28-02-08, 11:55
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Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
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Default Westjet

Quote:
Originally Posted by aj.lec View Post
'Well, then, you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you!

I just knew I liked them for a reason....
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  #141  
Old 02-03-08, 05:44
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aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default how to tell the sex of a fly

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.



"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"




He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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  #142  
Old 02-03-08, 12:23
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aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default dangerous ground

Picture of a man with only seconds to live...
Attached Images
 
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  #143  
Old 02-03-08, 12:26
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Default

Subject::JOKE



A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing
through his (thinning) hair.


"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.


But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police
Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with
no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew
down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.


Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this
kind of thing" and
pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to
catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and
walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If
you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."


The man looked back at the Policeman and said,


"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were
bringing her back."


The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
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  #144  
Old 02-03-08, 12:32
aj.lec's Avatar
aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default jokes

Subject: Fw: Top Jokes









Top Joke in Wales

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when a gang of snails mugged him. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'. 'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient. The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?' The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

Top Joke in Scotland

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married for 35 years."

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."

THE WINNING JOKE

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

SECOND PLACE

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. ! Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


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  #145  
Old 02-03-08, 12:56
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aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default blonde and the irish men

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole,looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of
this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder."
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag,
loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few
measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length."
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  #146  
Old 03-03-08, 12:25
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aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default Cheeky

> > A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
> > man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
> > husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
> > because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
> > some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
> > that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
> > from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
> > would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
> > requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
> > all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
> > completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
> > He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
> > friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
> > beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
> > overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear,
> > I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
> > How can I possibly repay you?"
> > "My darling," she replied,
> > "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
> > kiss you on the cheek."
> >
> > If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!
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  #147  
Old 05-03-08, 22:23
Bob Doak Bob Doak is offline
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Default Test

This is a test to prove or disprove the age old adage that a dog is "man's best friend":

Place your wife and your dog in the trunk (boot) of your car and return in one hour and see which one is glad to see you.
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  #148  
Old 06-03-08, 03:16
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chris vickery chris vickery is offline
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Default

A Hells Angels biker enters a bar in downtown Toronto with his pet monkey.
The barman tells the biker that his pet is not allowed into the establishment as he is sure to cause disruption to the other patrons. Convincingly, the biker explains that his pet is really well behaved and IF he does get into any nonsense he will gladly pay for the damages. Reluctantly the barman agrees to the monkey being allowed to stay.
Shortly afterwards, the monkey, doing things monkeys do, decides to start playing and running up and down the bar; he's into the peanuts, stealing stuff etc. The barman is not happy and warns the biker to control his pet or leave. Well, next thing the monkey leaps onto the pool table and eats the cue ball. The barman, furious, kicks the biker and his monkey out.

Two weeks later the same guy returns with his monkey. The same barman is on staff and stops him immediately. You can leave my bar right now he pleads, considering the bad behaviour he had last time and the cost of replacing the cueball. The biker settles up for the damages and once again re-assures him that this time the monkey will behave himself. OK, says the barkeep, business is slow today and I can use the sales.

After a short time a good looking blonde mozies up to sit beside the biker. The monkey starts his nonsense again. After some idle chatter, the biker offers to buy her a drink. The barman delivers a fancy cocktail topped with a cherry. The drink barely hits the bar and the monkey reaches in and swipes the cherry. He then proceeds to stuff it up his a**, pulls it out and eats it... That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen, exclaims the blonde!
The biker, laughing this time says:
Since the last time we were here and he ate the cueball he now checks everything for size first...
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1968 M274A5 Mule Baifield USMC
1958 M274 Mule 2cyl (4cyl engine waiting for transplant!)
1970 M38A1 CDN3 70-08715 1 CSR
1981 MANAC 3/4T CDN trailer
1983 M1009 CUCV
1971 M35A2

RT-524, PRC-77s,
and trucks and stuff and more stuff and and.......

MLU, MVPA, G503, Steel Soldiers
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  #149  
Old 08-03-08, 01:55
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Location: Ottawa ,Canada
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Wink Some Brit Humour...

Strange chaps..but funny..

http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=H6h8i8...eature=related

http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=Xrzovx...eature=related

http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=3pcePH...eature=related

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  #150  
Old 11-03-08, 21:52
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Wink Holding out on the Troops..

Jif..
Why didn't you tell the troops that you were having a contest..??

Jif

Quote:
Mar 11, 2008 14:05 ET
Jif® Peanut Butter Announces $10,000 Grand Prize Winner in Nutty Recipe Contest

TORONTO, ONTARIO--(Marketwire - March 11, 2008) -

Editors Note: A photo for this release will be available on the CP picture wire via Marketwire.

The makers of Jif® Peanut Butter announce today that Lauri Percy of Hay River, NT is the grand prize winner of the Jif® Recipe Challenge ContestTM with her original recipe - Apricot Chicken with Peanut Sauce. Lauri wins a whopping $10,000 plus a Smucker's® basket. Jif® Peanut Butter lovers from across Western Canada submitted almost 100 original recipes using Jif® Peanut Butter, Robin Hood® NutriTM Flour Blend and a variety of Smucker's® products.

"We had so many imaginative and tasty recipes, but we chose Lauri's Apricot Chicken with Peanut Sauce because it was creative, easy to prepare and absolutely delicious," says contest judge and food consultant Dana McCauley.

Other contest judges included Scaramouche Pastry Chef, Lindsay Haddock and Didier Restaurant Sous Chef, Oliver Kjeldsen. They selected the top ten finalist recipes, which were then posted on myjifrecipes.ca to be voted on by online readers. Nearly 3,000 votes were submitted.

"My kids love my Apricot Chicken with Peanut Sauce and I hoped everyone else would too," says Lauri Percy. "I'm so excited I won the grand prize of $10,000, it will definitely help with my kitchen renovations."

Four runners-up were awarded secondary prizes of $1,000 and a Smucker's® gift basket:

- 1st Runner Up - Wendy Lightbody of Brentwood Bay (Peanut Butter Raspberry Brownies)

- 2nd Runner Up - Stephanie Wren of Port Coquitlam (Peanut Butter and Jelly Cream Puffs)

- 3rd Runner Up - Zofia Morris of Summerland (Frozen Peanut Butter and Jam Mousse Cheesecake)

- 4th Runner Up - Marni Fudge of Calgary (Chocolate Cake with White Chocolate Peanut Butter Filling)

In addition to the prizes, Jif® Peanut Butter will also donate 60 jars of Jif® Peanut Butter, 60 jars of Smucker's® jam and 60 bags of Robin Hood® NutriTM Flour Blend to the local food bank in each of the winners' hometowns.
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