Jeremy Clarkson on Defenders

[Keith Webb]

This article is from The Times

He's a witty writer.


"Defender 90 Td5 Station Wagon
Jeremy Clarkson
They’re fighting the last war – in slow motion



A couple of years ago my wife decided that although she had some horses, the other twin peak of country living was missing. So, she declared, we must rush out immediately and buy what everyone calls “a proper old Land Rover”.
I do not understand the appeal. It offers what’s best described as Sealed Knot motoring, giving its devotees an idea of what life might be like if they had to go about their daily business wearing a full suit of armour. It’s like an automotive Aga: big, heavy, cumbersome and completely ill at ease with itself in the modern age.

Having said that, Richard Hammond is a big fan of old Land Rovers, though because he’s only 5ft 1in tall his is fitted with Cuban heels in the shape of elongated red springs and some high-chair struts.



The F-reg car that my wife bought for £4,000 was much better than that. It had silent air screamers on the front wings, which, as air passes through them, emit a shriek that’s audible only to any deer or bears that might be in the road up ahead. It also had tyres on it that were wider than anything found on a Lambo, and even more knobbly than the Singing Detective’s face.

Apparently it had once belonged to the Swiss army, which was also tremendous. It meant it couldn’t have seen much action.

And because of its military pedigree it had full camouflage paintwork, super black tinted windows, an SA80 clipped to the dash and a 20ft aerial at each corner. It also had a metal roof that could be removed in as little as two days, providing you had six friends to help you, and a small crane.

Mind you, this was not the biggest drawback. No, the biggest drawback was the fact that under the bonnet it had a paraffin stove. It was — and I’m not exaggerating here — the slowest car ever made. And so, when it was charged with the task of towing a horsebox laden with Evo-Stick and Araldite — or whatever it is my wife’s horses are called — it would barely move at all.

Once, on a not-too challenging hill outside Chipping Norton, it just stopped. Honestly, there was more horsepower in the trailer.

This caused many rows. Last year, for instance, I set off in it on December 10 to buy a Christmas tree and I didn’t get back till April.

I hated that car. I hated the heavy steering, and the fact that every time you closed the door it smashed your shoulder into several small pieces. I hated the lack of legroom, and the way the 1.5 horsepower paraffin stove managed to make more noise than the Hoover dam.

Passengers, too, were worried about the sharp edges in the cabin, which they reckoned would be a serious issue in a crash. Chance would be a fine thing; you need to have some speed to have an accident, and our Land Rover wouldn’t even go fast enough to get the air screamers working. Not that this was a problem, because even if you came round a corner at full speed, a tortoise would have time to amble out of your way."

[Richard Farrant]

Keith,

I dread to think what he would write about an old Landie 2a or 3 He can be very witty and also outspoken, do you get him on Aussie TV? He upset the Greenies when he drove a 4x4 up Ben Nevis, a mountain in Scotland.

Back in 92, I was in a team that came over to take part in the Variety Bash from Sydney to Ayers Rock. We restored an ex-army 1961 2a Station Wagon and shipped it over. Land Rover Australia loaned us a new Discovery to use as back up, it had only just been released over there, but had already been voted best 4x4 of the year by the Australian press. Where ever we went people would be asking about the Disco, never having seen one before. My comment was that "it was boring, it does everything you would want it to do", much happier bashing through the bush in the 2a, must be a masocist, thinking about it, probably am, else I would not spend my life messing with old armoured vehicles

Richard

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by Richard Farrant
Keith,

I dread to think what he would write about an old Landie 2a or 3 He can be very witty and also outspoken, do you get him on Aussie TV? He upset the Greenies when he drove a 4x4 up Ben Nevis, a mountain in Scotland.

Yes, we get Top Gear over here but it's not on air at the moment.

Have you heard how the hamster is faring after his accident?

[phoenix]

Hammond is actually back to filming, so he must be ding well. And there is no such thing as top gear not being on when you have it all on your computer

[Keith Webb]

Originally posted by phoenix
Hammond is actually back to filming, so he must be ding well. And there is no such thing as top gear not being on when you have it all on your computer

I've watched quite a few of them online - the one about the caravan trip had me in stitches! But there's no substitute for seeing them on the 42" plasma. The photography is exquisite.

[phoenix]

The sounds is also much better on a normal TV, and with some of the vehicles that they are driving, well, you want great sound

[Pedr]

Hey Richard,

He did more than just drive up Ben Nevis in a Discovery.

Apparently, after proving that it was infact possible to drive a Land Rover Discovery all the way to the top of Ben Nevis; he stepped out of the vehicle, cameras stopped filming and he jumped into a helicopter to return to London.

Sometime later it was realized that he still had the keys to the Disco in his pocket. and the car was still locked up on top of the mountain.

Talk about a dillberry!

But still nothing beats his Range Rover Sport vs Challenger Tank segment.....BRILLIANT!....why can't we see more TV like that.


Pedr

[David_Hayward (RIP)]

As you guys know I was on Top Gear back in May and took a few snaps. I was on the TV twice in the end!

But, and the lady should cover up here ears here, the swearing once the cameras stopped was £$%$&*ing amazing! That Clarkson guy can insert ^%$£ into every second word! There were however two young kids there, despite specific reference on the tickets to it being over-18s only. When the team saw that there were thr two kids they covered up their filth for a time, then went back to it!

I know all the words I thought but I think even a seasoned matelot would have had his / her ears burned!

Oh! I did some work for BBC and TG, so was an unpaid consultant and I suppose I still am if they ask me!

[Richard Farrant]

Originally posted by Pedr
He did more than just drive up Ben Nevis in a Discovery.

Talk about a dillberry!

But still nothing beats his Range Rover Sport vs Challenger Tank segment.....BRILLIANT!....why can't we see more TV like that.

Hi Pedr,

I had forgotten about him leaving the Disco at the top. I know it got the greenies and enviromentalists up in arms.

The race with Challenger was very entertaining viewing. I bet the tank crew were all out to beat him

Richard

[Tim Sullivan]

Guys,

Anyone know if the series is available on NTSC DVD? I've been really enjoying the series online, but I'd really rather be able to kick back on my sofa and enjoy it on the regular TV. I thank god for the segment on the Toyota Hilux pickup that first introduced me to the show. And damn, why we can't get programming like this in Canada Thank God for Youtube

Agreed, very much enjoyed the Caravan challenge, but I also really like the car vs. other transportation challenges. I'm not a huge car guy, but the one featuring the Bugatti Veyron gave me a new love in my life. Gawd to be able to sample an 8.0 litre, W-16 engine....that only cranks 1001 BHP 0-100 kph in 2.5, to 200 kph in 7.8, 300 kph in 16.5, and tops out at just over 400 kph in about 55 seconds 10 radiators...blah blah blah.... and you can even get it in green

Oh to be rich

Tim

[Dinty]

G'day All, Yes just about everyone has knocked the Land Rover in some form or other (toyota tried to steal Snowy Mts fame from them, in fact the Land Rovers dragged em around), I don't own a Blitz or any WW2 vehicles but I do have my own fleet of restored ex-military Land Rovers (link to sie if anyone's interested, the website is out of date as to my restorations http://www.remlr.com/dmshed.html) and in my opinion they are a very robust vehicle. I did get a chap once to drive one home from a show and all he did was whinge about how slow it was compared to his jeep (ww2 variety) until I reminded him that his jeep was not a true representation of what it was, I went on to say 'Thanks for driving it home' but your jeep is a hot rod i.e. 250 falcon engine x flow head 5 speed g/box stainless steel body 4 wheel discs and the list goes on, and I also told him that my Land Rovers would outrun his jeep if it were presented as it was made he got very red in the face and left. Every vehicle ever made is going to have mechanical failure at some point doesnt matter what it is, and even the best restored vehicles are still subject to mechanicla failures you onl;y have to read posts re the Back 2 the track and attend any of the events at Corowa to see the odd mech/failure (mine included) anyway rant over and I dont take anything seriously that said by tv presenters as they are in their own little world far removed from ours anyway looking forward to Corowa 07 and seeing someone ride KW's bike out to the airport and back cheers Dennis
Waiting for the flak

[gordon]

Honestly, there was more horsepower in the trailer.

Well if he just wrote boring straightforward stuff who would read it? He might exaggerate at times but any driver would know what he meant.

The LR is a superb off-road round-the-world tool but the standard vehicle is no motorway cruiser.

Anyway - have you seen the one where James May made a Triumph Herald float and fitted a sail and mast?

Gordon

[Keith Webb]

I was most impressed with that episode - the Herald was hilarious.

[Tim Sullivan]

Yeah, quite frankly I'm suprised that Jeremy's Toyota Hilux worked as well as it did....and if it wasn't for his typical testosterone-filled bravado, he would have won the challenge as well Of course, the Hilux was the only amphib vehicle I would have actually wanted of the three that they had.

I also enjoyed the episode where Hamster and May spent 24 hours in a smart 44. Quite funny indeed.....

Tim